I feel like my last few posts have been very “touchy, feely, let’s all go watch Oprah, hold hands and sing kumbaya” Writing about my feeeelings has left me craving a bit of snarky commentary. What better way to get the ball rolling than with another installment of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong?
If you think all of the weird sex toys are products designed for women, think again. From products that promise to be the best blowjob machines in the world to sex toys that are reminiscent of McDonald’s characters, it’s clear make some pretty bizarre stuff for men too. Here are some of my top pics of sex products for the gents:
BOYS WILL BE BOYS..
1. The Hand-Job Turbo Stroker: This product definitely puts the “hands” back in “hand-job”. The Turbo Stroker promises to deliver “life-like stroking action” with “plastic hands that stroke you up and down”….because every man fantasizes about having his junk stroked by tiny plastic doll hands. The fact the manicure matches the canister is no mistake people! I think what’s really creepy about this toy (besides the glaringly obvious) is that it says it includes a “realistic vagina opening” at the top of the shaft. Take a look at the photos. No really, check them out. I’m not exactly a vagina expert however, I’m guessing that neither are the manufacturers of this toy. FYI. THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.
2. Carmen’s Voluptuous Lips Blow Job Imitator: A few months ago, my friend Lindsay was over at my house hanging out and drinking wine. Somehow we ended up looking at sex toys online. The following conversation happened as soon as we stumbled upon Carmen’s Voluptuous Lips:
“What is that?”
“It’s a blow-job imitator”
“Why is it frowning? It looks sad”
“It does! I also don’t understand why it’s purple? It kind of reminds me of something else”
“It kind of reminds me of this guy”
“It’s Grimace’s girlfriend”
“Totally”
“Grimace’s girlfriend…why you so sad?”
“I’m sure it has something to do with the Hamburgler”
3. The Cobra Libre Hands Free Masturbator: This is the latest toy for men from Fun Factory. If you’re not familiar with Fun Factory, they are known for their high quality and body safe line of sex toys. The Cobra Libre is a Hands Free Masturbator for men. You stick your penis in the open end and then you sit back and relax as the toy vibrates & pulsates. I’m sure this toy is fantastic however, I can’t shake the feeling that it also reminds me of something else… 
Oh right! My Hoover S1361. Boy, that thing is good on carpets.
4. The Aria Cock Pleaser: Aria is a blow-job imitator that has a “vibrating and rotating tongue” designed to “stimulate your love rod” (their words, not mine). Why does this toy weird me out? Five simple words: IT. HAS. A. NOSE. WHY?
5. The Sukit Draft by Fleshlight. I consider this product today’s piece de resistance. I imagine somewhere, at some point the following conversation occurred between an executive and an industrial designer:
“What are two things men enjoy?”
“Easy: beer and getting head”
“Let’s combine both of those into one product!”
“Ok, but we need a theme”
“I have really fond memories of that weekend I spent on R&R in Cam Rahn Bay in ’67. I think we need to give the product an Asian twist.”
“Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was born in the 80’s. The closest I’ve come to ‘Nam is that time I watched Apocalypse Now while totally baked on pot brownies”
“Fine. Just do your best…and make it discrete!”
And thus, the Sukit Draft aka, “Blow Job in a Can” was born.
Sure, this product is “discrete” until your buddy comes over, decides to grab a cold one and gets a very unpleasant warm surprise. If I really wanted to get into what I find wrong about this product (besides, once again…the glaringly obvious) I could re-hash for you one of my 4th year Anthropology lectures on the negative cultural impact of Orientalism however, instead I will quote Wayne and Garth: “It really SUKS!”
SOMETHING YOU BOTH CAN ENJOY…
6. Underwear Built for Two: the box says “Twice the Fun!” , Skinny Dip says “253646768797979769569 times the Awkward”
LASTLY…
7. 18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream: The name really says it all. I don’t know about you but, I’m pretty sure my vagina does not want to be 18 again. I don’t remember my vagina being particularly satisfied at that age. I was still sleeping with guys who’d barely mastered missionary and thought making love meant pounding away on a girl like an out of control energizer bunny. It wasn’t exactly what I’d consider a golden era. So, this cream just makes me scratch my head more than anything else. How exactly does it work? How does the cream know when its tight enough?! I just imagine somewhere a vagina is crying out: “NOOOOO THE WALLS ARE CLOSING INNNNNNNNN. MAKE IT STOP!”
Even more bizarre, you can purchase this cream from Amazon. It’s great to know that if I ever decide I want to live out the nightmare I described above (not likely) I can purchase this product in the same shopping basket as the latest Glee box set and the complete works of David Sedaris. Now, that’s what you call modern convenience.
Maybe I am totally missing the point but do people actually use these products? Do my male friends secretly enjoy sticking their penises inside something that looks like a vacume cleaner? I don’t think I really need to know the answers however, I am going to think twice next time I grab a beer from their fridge.
Have you guys seen anything weird and wonderful lately? Please share!
