Online Dating Archives

One of the most common things people ask me when they find out what I write about for a living is, “Have you tried Tinder?” They’re usually shocked to learn that I haven’t tried the app that’s become ubiquitous in modern online dating. I refuse to count that time when, after a few too many Pisco Sours, my friend let me play around with her Tinder account & I got a little too trigger happy with swiping right. This resulted in a very interesting conversation with a guy named G-Dawg69 from Seattle (one the “matches” I chose for my friend.) File that under: “sorry” and “let’s pretend that night never happened.”

People have been asking me to write about Tinder for awhile now. However, since I have very little first hand knowledge, I decided to bring in an expert. My British dating blogger friend, Tinderella is here today to share her Tinder knowledge, while Joe the Intern and his friends provide the visuals. Take it away!

I’ve been Tindering furiously for a few months now, so I suppose I could consider myself a veteran Tinder junkie.

Between laugh-out-loud experiences, drunken one-night stands, and sloppy first-date kisses, Tinder has taught me a lot about men and the world of online dating.

Below are 5 of the most important lessons I’ve learned from Tinder (in no particular order):

1. Be Open About Your Intentions

Tinder™ is a curious little dating app. Unlike Match.com or Christian Mingle, it’s geared mainly toward hookup culture rather than finding your soul mate/ life-long partner. Yet, some people (both men and women) are on there in the hope that they might meet someone special.

On the flip side, there’s also lots of individuals on there merely looking for a speedy sexing. Not being clear about what you want out of you Tinder experience is a rookie mistake. Being vague about your intentions (one-off sex vs. romance) may actually hurt you or the other person in the end. This actually leads me into the second thing I’ve learned from Tinder …

2. Don’t Be Afraid to Be Brutally Honest

Most people are weenies. They are afraid to say what they mean for fear of rejection, backlash or disappointment.

Don’t be that person.

As a woman on Tinder, I can tell you that there have been countless guys who just. don’t. get. the. hint. that I don’t want anything to do with them. Similarly, some just can’t fathom why I wouldn’t want to have sex with them after one measly date.

It’s important therefore, to be honest with your Tinder matches. I’ve told guys who have invited me to their houses, that I straight up don’t want to have sex with them. While this approach may seem uncouth or too intense for some, trust me – it works. These guys respected me more in the end, and some have actually told me that they appreciated the fact that I didn’t play games.

For the sweethearts who I just can’t see myself with in the long-term, I’ve also had to be brutally honest and let them know that “while the conversation was great”, and “they’re very witty”, “I just don’t see this going anywhere”. While it sucks having tell some nice guy that I don’t want to see him anymore, letting your matches know that this isn’t going to work is the mature, honest and right thing to do.

Ultimately, you want to date someone who wants what you want, and the best way to find that out is to be truthful with every individual you meet.

3. Beware of Shirtless Pics

Now, this may seem totally obvious for some, but be wary of guys with shirtless photos on their Tinder profiles. The same goes for men seeking out women: beware the ‘duck faces’ and pushed-out boobs. By striking these poses, these individuals are priming themselves for sex. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing since some people are on Tinder merely for a late-night rendezvous…

The reason I’m telling you to take these online dating pics with a grain of salt is for the following reasons: If you’re looking for a relationship out of Tinder, someone who bares their body parts [even if they look amazing] in an online dating profile for the world to see, is probably kind of vain and waaaay too into themselves. So I’d stay clear.

Alternatively, if you’re only looking for sex, you may still want to be sceptical of the shirtless and boob pics. These photos represent a specific moment in time. Who’s to say that that person even looks like that now? Exactly. So. Beware ladies and gents.

4. That Cute Dog Photo? Yeah, That’s Totally Intentional.

Even though they totally work on me, men who upload photos of themselves with their dogs or cats (squee!) are totally aware of what they’re doing. In fact, that might not even be their dog. Don’t rule out them borrowing their neighbour’s Fido for the photo op.

Pay close attention to the animal’s face in the image. If it looks distressed, then your Tinder match may not be the loving person you make them out to be. Conversely, if the pet looks like it’s loving life and is comfortable and at ease in its owners grasp, then your match may be a softy at heart.

On the other hand, STAY AWAY from matches who have been photographed next to wild animals. Tourist hubs in places such as Mexico, South Africa and Thailand sometimes have lion or tiger cubs drugged up and on display for the masses. Anyone who is willing to take advantage of these poor animals’ exploitation for personal gain is a douche-bag (or at the very least has no worldly experience or empathy) and should be avoided at all costs!

(So in other words, follow this guideline for animal shots.)

5. Always Have Your First Meeting In A Public Place

Once again, this may sound obvious to some, but it’s extremely important for your personal safety – both physically and emotionally. Without ever having met him, I’ve had many a dude message me asking if I want to come over. Even if you’re just looking for sex, and it seems too good to be true that this hottie is only 2 miles away, it’s always best to scope them out in a public place before you go home with them.

Meeting your Tinder™ match in a bar, café, restaurant, even a busy park, will ensure that you get a ‘feel’ for who they are and what they want from you. Your gut instincts when you meet a person face-to-face are the single most-important indicator of whether or not you should/want to go home with them later.

When online, people can craft themselves into exactly the person they want to be perceived as because they have the time to do so. In the flesh, one needs to think on one’s feet, and you’ll know within minutes if a person is creepy or genuine.

So folks. There ya have it – the 5 most important things I’ve learned from Tinder (so far). I’m sure as I continue the pleasure of Tindering I will encounter more lessons, which I will of course share with you if given the opportunity!

This article was written by yours truly, Tinderella. I’m a 20-something sex and relationship blogger based in the UK. I love to make people laugh with my terrible sex and dating stories, but occasionally I do also have some sound advice to offer about the realm of dating, sex and relationships.

Check out my blog called Great Sexpectations and follow me on Twitter at @TinderellaBlogs

One of my favourite parts of my job is when readers email me with questions. I don’t always feel qualified to answer them (after all, I always joke that this blog is basically the blind leading the blind – except when it comes to sex toys. I actually know quite a bit about those.) However, the email below, which was sent to me by a reader that I also consider a friend, hit really close to home. It was one of those, “Yup. Girl, I have been there” moments. Because of this, I thought it would be a really good one to answer on the blog –

“Simone – I can’t bring myself to date yet! How do you bounce back from all the whack situations and disappointments? What is your mindset when you date? How do you know when to walk away? I feel like I’ve lost faith and trust in myself for misjudging the last two situations…I always try to make things work or give it more time “to see.”

I also have this belief that my anxiety and any flaw in me has to be fixed before I can truly attract the love I want and be the partner that I envision. This is a really good mind trick to never date again! In short: gearing up to get back out there but terrified.”

Ok, so a few things –

First of all, if you’re not ready to date – that’s totally OK. I feel like we live in a culture where everyone is constantly being encouraged to date, pair off and be together – something that just isn’t always realistic, fair or even healthy. We’re fed the message that if we’re not dating, in a relationship or trying to find one, that there’s something wrong with us – something that inevitably needs fixing. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Sometimes hearts just need time to heal. Being alone can help facilitate this. If not dating feels like the most authentic and right thing for you right now; follow your intuition. However long you need, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking a breather.

The truth is, although this blog covers a lot of my life, there are also a lot of things that you don’t see. It may seem like I’m always dating up a storm; immediately climbing back atop of the proverbial horse every time I get knocked down, however this isn’t always the case. Over the past three years I’ve taken several lengthly hiatuses from dating and sex. It just doesn’t always read this way because more often than not, I don’t always write about my experiences in real time.

With that said, this wasn’t always the case. While writing my book, which involved digging through the romantic wreckage of my past, I realized there were so many times that I flung myself, head-first into various relationships with very little regard for my own self-preservation. I practiced what I like to call “emotional cliff-diving.” I wanted to feel and experience things, and didn’t really think through consequences. I was brave to a fault. I had some good experiences but also lots of really, really bad ones.

Although a lot of good writing material came from these experiences, I wouldn’t recommend emotional cliff diving to anyone (well, at least anyone over the age of 23.) With that said, here’s what I’ve learned now that I’m older and a tiny bit wiser: dating is always going to make you feel somewhat vulnerable. The only way you can avoid vulnerability is by closing yourself off emotionally from other people – which doesn’t work if your goal is to meet someone. You have to be brave. Once I decided that I wanted to start dating again, I realized that the only way I was going to get through it was by becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable.

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After living in Toronto for 12 years, you decide to move to Victoria, BC as a single 30-something.

With a population of about 300,000, Victoria isn’t exactly a small town yet, it manages to have a small town feel. Everyone knows everyone. After living in a city of 4 million people you find this both strange and comforting.

You spend the first year in Victoria mostly hanging out with your best friend and being an honorary senior citizen. However, you slowly start to make new friends. You start online dating. You make more friends. When you get frustrated by meeting the same 20 guys online, you ask your friends to set you up. You date a friend of a friend. You date another friend of a friend. You date another.

Although you prefer meeting people in person, you come to the conclusion that this whole “meeting people through common friends” thing has it’s drawbacks.

Namely, that some people don’t want to date you precisely because you have friends in common. When you ask a friend about his dating habits, he tells you that he likes to “date off the grid” – no small feat in a town like Victoria, where everyone is connected by one or two degrees of separation. (photo credit)

You ask him, “I’m kind of off the grid though, right?”

“Simone, you know 30% of the people I know. You are the Grid.”

In theory, we’d all be able to live within reasonable geographic proximity, date each other and still get along with minimal drama, like they do over at Seattle Grace Hospital. However, you quickly learn that this is a far cry from reality. In other words, life is not an ABC drama written by Shonda Rhimes. (image credit)

You have conversations that sound like this:

Ryan: “I can’t date you because you dated John.”

John: “I can’t date you because you dated my friend Ryan.”

You try and explain, “But Ryan and I never dated. He just sends me really weird photos of his penis, and I’m not sure why.”

However, it’s no use.

Meredith Grey and Olivia Pope don’t have to deal with this kind of bullshit. Why do you?

You try not to let this get you down until a guy tells you that he considers you “tainted” as a romantic prospect, because you briefly dated two people that he knows.

You’re single. You like dating. You like sex. However, sometimes dating in a small town can make you feel like you’re wearing a scarlet letter. You feel like a double standard is at play and you can’t help but wonder if things would be different if you were a man. Although you don’t regret leaving Toronto, you start to remember why you left this one horse town in the first place.

Sometimes this town can feel small. Too small. This hits home when you bump into Fitness Guy at your local Thrifty Foods. You figured it would happen eventually since he lives around the corner from the store, but you still have a heart attack when you see him and almost drop an armful of groceries. Apparently, your case of sexually transmitted awkwardness is still alive and well. (photo credit)

Instead of going to the other Thrifty Foods where you’d surely bump into your high school nemesis (or that other guy you hooked up with), you buy most of your groceries at the overpriced yuppie-ster bodega in your neighbourhood. Your skin looks great, but your wallet cries every time you fork over $12 for a package of organic lunch meat and a pear.

You go out for a beer with a guy that you meet on OKCupid, only to come home to find the following message from another guy.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. A few months ago you received a message that said, “I saw you walking through the Bay Center. Have you cut your hair? Maybe you noticed me, I was the guy in the red toque, eating an apple?” You haven’t met either of these guys in real life. Apparently, your online dating inbox has turned into Craigslist’s Missed Connections. (photo credit)

NOWHERE IS SAFE. I REPEAT, NOWHERE IS SAFE.

Despite it’s drawbacks, you realize that dating “off the grid” is even more terrifying than dating people in your social circle. You notice the small town vibe is getting to you when you catch yourself becoming unreasonably suspicious of anyone who doesn’t know at least one person you know (“How do you not know Ryan?! EVERYONE KNOWS RYAN! You know, the guy who sends people photos of his penis?”)

You really start to appreciate the grid when you go out on a few dates with a guy who literally has no friends – that is, except for a guy he met while buying a stereo at Best Buy who goes by the nickname “Rapey” (“He’s always telling his female coworkers that he’s going to rape them. It’s hilarious! You’re going to love this guy, Simone.”) Luckily, you never have the chance to meet “Rapey” because according to your date, he’s been missing for some time and may or may not be residing at your local mental hospital. True story. (photo credit)

With that said, you know something has to change with your love life when you find a photo on your friend’s Facebook and tell yourself, “I’ve seen far too many of these dudes penises.” (photo credit)

So, life in a small town didn’t turn out like the ABC drama of your choice, but you decide to lean into it anyways. In a moment of frustration, you contemplate channeling your inner Emily Thorne from Revenge, printing out the photo and crossing the faces out with a red marker. However, you suspect it will just incite lots of awkward questions when you have to explain to people who come over, “No, I don’t have a revenge plot in the works. These are just people I’ve banged in the past 3 years.”

Mostly though, you just laugh. You drink wine with your friends. You laugh some more.

When a girlfriend of yours drunkenly comments on how incestuous this town is (“Everyone in Victoria shares a few bedpost notches”) you don’t disagree.

Instead, you laugh and drink more wine. What else can you do?

After a weird December and calling it quits with my younger man friend, I decided to get back on the ol’ online dating horse and give OkCupid yet another shot. Since reentering the world of online dating, I’ve been on a few dates with nice people, been matched with someone I dated 15 years ago and had one guy ask me if I’d be interested in “sexually dominating him.” (When I politely delcined he got really offended and sent me a message that said “INTERESTING THAT YOU DON’T RESPOND TO ANY OF MY OTHER MESSAGES BUT RESPOND TO THIS ONE SO YOU CAN REJECT ME.”) So, in other words – just your average month on the beat.

No matter how long I stay away from online dating; the one thing that never changes are the photos. Oh, the photos. I can write a hundred of articles about the do’s and don’ts of online dating photos, and yet, truly terrible online dating photos prevail. I’m sure some of you are actually decent dudes (and that us ladies post our share of equally terrible pics), however you’re shooting yourself in the foot with all of these bizarre photos.

So, in an effort to remedy this problem, Joe the Intern and his friends have teamed up to provide 6 more photos that you need to delete from your online dating profile. FYI, these are all modelled after actual photos I came across on OK Cupid, February 26th, between 7:42pm-9:05pm.

Here’s something I like to call “Ok Cupid: Dead or Alive Edition.” Recently, I was matched with a guy whose only photo showed him sprawled limply over a bank of rocks, with a vacant, heavy lidded expression; his beer dangling limply from his hand. The photo was taken on the beach near where I grew up – an area I know well. The photo literally looks like he fell off a cliff and impaled himself on the rocky shore below. When I showed the photo to my friend, she leaned in then jolted back in surprise. “Is he OK, Simone?” she asked. FYI, this is not what you want women to say when they look through your online dating profile.

I get it – we live on the West Coast. The soulful, hanging out on the beach photo is about as ubiquitous as seasonal allergies – everyone and their dog has one or two. However, if you want to make these beach shots work in your favour, they can’t be awkward or look like something that a CSI team should be investigating.

Below, Trump has helped recreate another photo I stumbled across. The male subject in question was sprawled out on the beach, with his arm placed inexplicably behind his head in a way that looked like he had dislocated his elbow. His face was scrunched up in discomfort, while his armpit hair played centre stage. Once again, I have no idea why the person decided to include this photo, but there it was in all of it’s painfully uncomfortable glory. Awkwardness is contagious: if you look awkward, we feel awkward too. So, if you’re going to include a “chill beach pic” make sure you actually look, well, chill and that you have good posture. (photo credit)

Once again, most women are attracted to guys who look alive. We don’t want to see photos of you sleeping (?) on the couch, passed out on the floor or floating face down in a pool of water. You may think these shots are funny and whimsical, but to us, you just come across as lazy and not much fun. Along with some simple head shots, we like to see photos of you doing stuff that you’re into. Whether that’s brewing your own beer, hiking the Grand Canyon or playing hockey – almost anything is better than a photo that looks like a potential crime scene or something your friends took when they thought you were too drunk to notice. (photo credit)

So, this photo is still happening. If you want to be taken seriously, keep in mind that no good can come from the shirt grab photo. Joe the Intern’s army buddy wants you to know that it looks just as ridiculous when you do it. (photo credit)

Hey, you know what else I’m sick of seeing on OkCupid? Dead animals! To that dude who posted a photo of himself clasping the horns of a dead and bloodied elk – yes, I’m talking to you (and no, we won’t be going for coffee anytime soon.) You know what I find totally sexy? Photos of guys being nice to animals, not standing over their bloody carcasses. But you know, maybe that’s just me.

ARMPIT HAIR. There’s entirely too much of it online. Yes, we all have arm-pit hair. However, if you’re trying to make a good first impression online, you might want to avoid posting photos where it’s prominently displayed. Sure maybe some women like this (maybe? possibly? I don’t know?) however, personally I’d prefer to not see your armpits in intimate detail until we actually know each other. What would be better: A nice photo of your face, sans armpit foliage. (photo credit)

The other day I got matched with a family – at least that’s what can be assumed by the profile photo. The photo featured a man, a woman, two kids and a German Shepard. I assume that it’s the man’s profile, however considering he describes himself as “an easy going guy who loves long walks in the park” it could be the German Shepard. Who the heck knows. If these kinds of details are unclear, you’re doing it wrong. (photo credit)

So, to sum up:

-Alive is better than dead.

-A nice photo of your face > everything.

-Put your arms down.

The End.

{All photos taken by me, unless otherwise noted.}

What’s your online dating photo pet peeve?

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of lovers.

I know that the word “lovers” makes many of us cringe. Up until recently, I subscribed to Liz Lemon’s philosophy that the only place the word “lovers” belongs is in between “meat” and “pizza.” However, I’m asking you to hold back your dry heaves & bear with me for a minute.

I few months ago, I was out for drinks with a few of my girlfriends. My friend started to tell the group about an acquaintance of hers who, after turning 40, decided to completely re-think her approach to sex.

“She old me she’s done with the booty calls, one night stands and “friends with benefits” scenarios of her youth. Instead she’s decided to take lovers” my friend explained to us.

What followed was a discussion about the nature of “taking a lover” and how exactly it differs from the other options mentioned above. As it was explained to my friend, “taking a lover” is about an arrangement between two adults that involves enjoying each others company – both inside and outside of the bedroom – without the binding commitment of a traditional relationship. Unlike being “friends with benefits” which requires a pre-existing friendship, having a lover simply means you enjoy having sex each other and sometimes this comes with the added bonus of some quality companionship.

As I sipped my whiskey sour and mulled this over, I couldn’t help but think all of this sounded incredibly modern and sophisticated – like something out of a French movie. (Cue moody accordion music and cigarette smoke.)

“I think that’s what I’ve been doing with The European” I shared with them.

The European and I met almost a year ago when I decided to try online dating again. The first time I showed my best friend a photo of this guy her reaction was immediate: “Wow, Simone – he’s so not your usual type.”

Aside from being tall and handsome, The European is pretty much the physical antithesis of the kinds of guys I usually go for: he’s distinctly Nordic looking with naturally white blond hair and blue eyes. He’ll probably hate me for saying this, but without knowing him, you might mistake The European for (gasp) a Hipster. If you need a visual, think Alexander Skarsgard with geeky on purpose Elvis Costello glasses.

With that said, there was something that drew me to his profile. Although he was born in Canada, he’d spent most of his life living abroad. Amidst the (literal) sea of guys you usually meet online in Victoria, The European seemed smart, sophisticated and well, different. However, I’d be lying if I didn’t mention that I also liked how his arms looked in one of his photos.

We exchanged a few messages and a few nights later met for a drink at a local Oyster bar. My first impression of The European was that he seemed very serious, bordering on austere. However, a few minutes into our drinks and we were laughing and bonding over our mutual love of electronic music and the band Disclosure. When he walked me home, he kissed me outside of my house. I liked his lips and how he gripped me in his arms – gentle, yet deliberate and wanting. We made plans to see each other again.

There was a second date – this time at a local brew-pub (which I was completely overdressed for in my new Rachel Roy dress & cage heels) – and another kiss. Unlike a lot of my recent dates who just wanted to talk about Crossfit, I liked that I could have actual intellectual conversations with The European. I was looking forward to seeing him again.

However, a few days before we were scheduled to meet up, I received a text from him.

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The 5 Most Important Things I’ve Learned From Tinder

On Dating, Intuition and Being Brave

Things You Learn When You Date in a Small Town

Guys, We Need to Talk About Your Online Dating Photos

On Lovers and Learning How to Hold On Lightly

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