10 Wildly Inappropriate Holiday Gifts

It’s been over a year since I wrote an instalment of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong. Has it really been that long? It seems like just yesterday I was snickering at my laptop as a I wrote a description of the Sukit Draft Fleshlight. I review sex toys often which means I stumble across some pretty weird stuff on a regular basis. I’ve just been stock-piling all of these photos and links to share with you in one big creepy post.

It’s that time of year again when I start thinking about the Holidays and shopping for the people I love. I don’t really have anything on my own Christmas wish-list. I pretty much have everything I need (however, if Santa wants to bring me  at home laser hair removal device I wouldn’t object) ‘Tis the Season to make fun of stuff, so here are a few things that I hope don’t find their way under my tree or yours (or anyone’s for that matter). I present:

When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong: Holiday Edition.

1. Barry the Beaver.

I feel like Barry the Beaver almost belongs in a category all of his own, like one called “When Hipsters Make Sex Toys.” Barry the Beaver was created by design nerd Jeremy Fish to be your new “vibrating vinyl friend.” One turn of his tree stump base and he starts vibrating throughout his cute little tubular body. Oh, and did you notice his strategically placed vibrating beaver tail?! I think what’s most disturbing about Barry isn’t that he’s a beaver – I’m no longer surprised by sex toys shaped like animals. It’s that he’s a beaver wearing tightie whities.

2.California Exotics COLT Power Stroker.

Wow, so this seems a little violent. The Colt Power Stroker is a masturbation sleeve “designed for male pleasure”. Grenade. Pleasure. Not seeing the connection. It “blows my mind” (see what I did there?) why any guy would want to put his penis inside something that closely resembles an explosive device – especially when the box says “EXPLODE!” in big bold letters across the front. Why tempt fate?

3. Man Eaters.

Years ago I had this friend with benefits. We’d occasionally hook up, but most of the time we would spend hours on MSN Messenger talking about sex. In my defence, it was the early 2000’s and MSN was the cyber sex platform du jour. Anyways, one night we started discussing blow jobs. He described to me his worst blow job experience: “It was horrible. She used her TEETH!” Now enter the Man Eaters – a male sex toy described as “a unique product with revolutionary design.” To use the Man Easters you just place your johnson in the alien’s gaping, toothy red maw & rev ‘er up!

Seriously, what’s with all these terrifying toys for men? Guys, do you secretly desire to be pleasured by something that looks like it’s out of Little Shop of Horrors?! The way I see it, the Man Eaters is basically my former booty call’s worst nightmare all wrapped up in Toys R’ Us style packaging – teeth and all. Considering he and I are no longer on speaking terms, someone should really send him this for Christmas.

4. Oh Oui Pink Banana.

Why yes, that’s a vibrator shaped like a hot pink banana. Who am I kidding?! This is awesome! Or should I say utterly “appealing”

5. “Bodyfluid” Lubricant

I’m all about using lube in the bedroom and this one by innovative sex toy company Fun Factory is probably quite awesome – IF it didn’t have the worst possible name EVER. But don’t worry, as the packaging explains it’s “For Lovers” (not haters?) Seriously though, if I was over at a guy’s house and noticed he had a can of something labeled “Bodyfluid” in his bathroom I’d grab my panties and run for the hills. Two questions: Does it come with a free box of Kleenex? And, is this product associated with my local internet cafe?

6. Cock Cologne.

I love how the muscled chicken lifting weights on the packaging of this penis spray makes me feel super masculine” – said no man ever. Containing purified water, Aloe extract and a bunch of other ingredients, this “intimate male lotion” is designed to freshen things up downstairs before you get down. Oh hey, I know something else that does that. It’s called a shower.

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When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong #4

I feel like my last few posts have been very “touchy, feely, let’s all go watch Oprah, hold hands and sing kumbaya” Writing about my feeeelings has left me craving a bit of snarky commentary. What better way to get the ball rolling than with another installment of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong?

If you think all of the weird sex toys are products designed for women, think again. From products that promise to be the best blowjob machines in the world to sex toys that are reminiscent of McDonald’s characters, it’s clear make some pretty bizarre stuff for men too. Here are some of my top pics of sex products for the gents:

BOYS WILL BE BOYS..

1. The Hand-Job Turbo Stroker: This product definitely puts the “hands” back in “hand-job”. The Turbo Stroker promises to deliver “life-like stroking action” with “plastic hands that stroke you up and down”….because every man fantasizes about having his junk stroked by tiny plastic doll hands. The fact the manicure matches the canister is no mistake people! I think what’s really creepy about this toy (besides the glaringly obvious) is that it says it includes a “realistic vagina opening” at the top of the shaft. Take a look at the photos. No really, check them out. I’m not exactly a vagina expert however, I’m guessing that neither are the manufacturers of this toy. FYI. THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.


2. Carmen’s Voluptuous Lips Blow Job Imitator: A few months ago, my friend Lindsay was over at my house hanging out and drinking wine. Somehow we ended up looking at sex toys online. The following conversation happened as soon as we stumbled upon Carmen’s Voluptuous Lips:

“What is that?”
“It’s a blow-job imitator”
“Why is it frowning? It looks sad”
“It does! I also don’t understand why it’s purple? It kind of reminds me of something else”
“It kind of reminds me of this guy”
“It’s Grimace’s girlfriend”
“Totally”
“Grimace’s girlfriend…why you so sad?”
“I’m sure it has something to do with the Hamburgler”

3. The Cobra Libre Hands Free Masturbator: This is the latest toy for men from Fun Factory. If you’re not familiar with Fun Factory, they are known for their high quality and body safe line of sex toys. The Cobra Libre is a Hands Free Masturbator for men. You stick your penis in the open end and then you sit back and relax as the toy vibrates & pulsates. I’m sure this toy is fantastic however, I can’t shake the feeling that it also reminds me of something else…
Oh right! My Hoover S1361. Boy, that thing is good on carpets.


4. The Aria Cock Pleaser: Aria is a blow-job imitator that has a “vibrating and rotating tongue” designed to “stimulate your love rod” (their words, not mine). Why does this toy weird me out? Five simple words: IT. HAS. A. NOSE. WHY?


5. The Sukit Draft by Fleshlight. I consider this product today’s piece de resistance. I imagine somewhere, at some point the following conversation occurred between an executive and an industrial designer:

“What are two things men enjoy?”
“Easy: beer and getting head”
“Let’s combine both of those into one product!”

“Ok, but we need a theme”
“I have really fond memories of that weekend I spent on R&R in Cam Rahn Bay in ’67. I think we need to give the product an Asian twist.”
“Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was born in the 80’s. The closest I’ve come to ‘Nam is that time I watched Apocalypse Now while totally baked on pot brownies”
“Fine. Just do your best…and make it discrete!”

And thus, the Sukit Draft aka, “Blow Job in a Can” was born.


Sure, this product is “discrete” until your buddy comes over, decides to grab a cold one and gets a very unpleasant warm surprise. If I really wanted to get into what I find wrong about this product (besides, once again…the glaringly obvious) I could re-hash for you one of my 4th year Anthropology lectures on the negative cultural impact of Orientalism however, instead I will quote Wayne and Garth: “It really SUKS!”

SOMETHING YOU BOTH CAN ENJOY…

6. Underwear Built for Two: the box says “Twice the Fun!” , Skinny Dip says “253646768797979769569 times the Awkward”

LASTLY…

7. 18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream: The name really says it all. I don’t know about you but, I’m pretty sure my vagina does not want to be 18 again. I don’t remember my vagina being particularly satisfied at that age. I was still sleeping with guys who’d barely mastered missionary and thought making love meant pounding away on a girl like an out of control energizer bunny. It wasn’t exactly what I’d consider a golden era. So, this cream just makes me scratch my head more than anything else. How exactly does it work? How does the cream know when its tight enough?! I just imagine somewhere a vagina is crying out: “NOOOOO THE WALLS ARE CLOSING INNNNNNNNN. MAKE IT STOP!”


Even more bizarre, you can purchase this cream from Amazon. It’s great to know that if I ever decide I want to live out the nightmare I described above (not likely) I can purchase this product in the same shopping basket as the latest Glee box set and the complete works of David Sedaris. Now, that’s what you call modern convenience.

Maybe I am totally missing the point but do people actually use these products? Do my male friends secretly enjoy sticking their penises inside something that looks like a vacume cleaner? I don’t think I really need to know the answers however, I am going to think twice next time I grab a beer from their fridge.

Have you guys seen anything weird and wonderful lately? Please share!

 

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