Did Someone Say Codpiece?

Some things are just too terrible not to share. Like, when you find out there’s a company  making padded jeans for men.

Last week, my magazine editor & travel blogging friend Abby posted on Facebook that she’d just received a 4 page press release about the “Hot Child Junk”  – “the first anatomically designed jeans with a man’s junk in mind” that features a built in “cod-piece”  intended to accent said, “junk.”

I immediately messaged Abby something like “OMG, MUST SEE THIS.” After all, as a blogger who regularly receives bizarre press releases, (i.e. the publisher who wanted to send me a copy of a coffee table book called “101 Vaginas” – which, in case you were wondering is exactly what it sounds like), it seemed like a huge cosmic oversight that they had sent the press release to Abby and not me.

Being the good friend that she is and recognizing blogging gold when she sees it, Abby scanned the press release and sent it right over. Now that I’ve actually stopped laughing hysterically and simultaneously shuddering long enough to catch my breath, I present to you the terrifying denim line that is “Hot Child Junk”

Disclaimer:  Brace yourself. This is not for the faint of heart.

For all the guys out there, looking to “enhance your package” with a pair of padded jeans, “The Hot Child Junk” line (aka “T.H.C”) is the line for you. The Hot Child wants you to know that they are a “bad ass new brand” with “big balls” that “breaks rules, pushes boundaries and looks damn sexy doing it.”  Packed and loaded with plenty of nut-sack puns, overt drug references and a heck of a lot of padding, “T.H.C”  wants you to know that they are “straight dope” and poised to take fashion “to a new high

(This is all taken from the worst press release ever their press release. I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up.)

The Hot Child will introduce an 18-piece collection that combines classic American style with fashion-forward design to create clothes that embody a seamless blend of apparent contradictions

I love how the T-Shirt says "I'm from the future" but looks like it was drawn with an etch-a-sketch. Maybe this is what they're talking about when they mention "apparent contradictions"

“Undoubtedly, the most shocking item in the T.H.C. line, is the FIRST anatomically-designed, open, button-fly jeans with a built-in codpiece. Yes, you read that right – “codpiece.” (No insert, no hard plastic, just soft as silk, you and the denim.) They’re called The Hot Child Junk.”

When I forwarded the press release to my male friend, he wrote back “What the fuck is a codpiece?! I have no idea and I’m throwing up in my mouth trying to imagine it”

For those of you who are wondering the same thing, according to Wikipedia “A codpiece (from Middle Englishcod, meaning “scrotum“) is a covering flap or pouch that attaches to the front of the crotch of men’s trousers and usually accentuates the genital area. It was held closed by string ties, buttons, or other methods. It was an important item of European clothing in the 15th and 16th centuries, and is still worn in the modern era in performance costumes for rock music and metal musicians and in the leather subculture.”

Henry VIII proudly rocking a codpiece.

My Mom is a costume designer by profession. I double checked this definition with her and she confirmed that it is indeed correct, adding “Back then, people wore codpieces to protect themselves from other guy’s swords. Um, no pun intended! I mean, everyone carried a sword back then. With that many sharp objects floating around, someone was bound to get hurt! Today we call it the jock strap.”  Thanks Mom!

However, judging by the photos the only attacks you’ll have to fend off  while wearing these jeans will be from the fashion police.

What's up with this guy's hair and why is it nicer than mine?

“The Hot Child is casually sexy and boldly irreverent. The logo (a twisted baby hand reaching skyward) [because, you know there’s nothing weird about that]  serves as a giant middle finger shoved in the face of mainstream expectations.”

They also want you to know that they are all about “secrets” – in the most convoluted way possible:

“Like a person, what makes T.H.C the most interesting, what really gives it its character, is its secrets; the double-entendre-loaded initials; the covert, contraband-stashing pockets; and the long-overdue, junk friendly jeans. No more squashing, squishing, scrunching, or splitting of the goods.”

“Once we are launched, those who know these secrets will be “in the know.” Those who don’t are people The Hot Child man doesn’t want to know. The Hot Child makes clothes for men on the bleeding edge of fashion — men with the confidence to stand out and be noticed — men with the balls to pack a codpiece!”

Because sometimes a photo speaks more than words, here is more photographic evidence that this is in fact, a real thing:

(More photos after the jump. C’mon, I know you want to see them.)

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That Friday Afternoon I Spent Watching Strippers, Photographing Half-Naked People and Doing Other Weird Stuff.

On October 22nd I spent the afternoon at the Toronto Metro Convention Center covering the annual Toronto Everything to Do with Sex Show for The Hip & Urban Girl’s Guide. The ETDWSS is a huge event that features over 100 different sex themed vendors, workshops, live entertainment and special guests.

If you’re interested in learning more about the show you can read my very vanilla-ified review of the event here. As a blogger who tends to write a lot about sex & relationships, going to this event was a bit like being a kid in a  candy store….a giant stadium sized candy store full of lingerie, sex toys & tons of interesting blog fodder. I was in heaven. Here’s a look at what I saw:

Interesting Sex Toys & “Adult Themed” products:

I was only at the show for a few minutes before I located the Sqweel. You might remember this toy from my Christmas list last year. Yes people, that’s a wheel of tongues. It’s back on my Christmas list this year because apparently even Santa is weirded out by this thing. I think this is one of those toys that’s so wrong, it’s almost right (IT’S A WHEEL OF TONGUES, HOW COULD THIS BE A BAD THING?)

Oh hello there, Cobra Libre Hands Free Masturbator. Last time I saw you it was in this post about Sex Toys Gone Hilariously Wrong. You really do look like a vacuum cleaner in person.

Do you want to be that creepy person on the block that everyone suspects is a total sex criminal? DO YOU?! Then, I suggest purchasing this “Pornkins” pumpkin carving kit for next Halloween. I can only imagine the trick or treating conversations (“Mommy, why is that one Spiderman stabbing that other Spiderman with his hips?”) Um, yeah.

Stuff that just doesn’t belong:

Like this random Soft Serve Stand. Is this always there? Is it part of the show? Does anyone really want to eat vanilla soft serve in the middle of a sex show?! Wait, don’t answer that. Either way, the lady behind the counter was not impressed that I took a photo of her.

Oh snap, I didn’t realize The Everything To with Sex Show was also carrying birth control!

I’m all about condoms and safe sex but, fellas – if your underwear features an ode to safe sex in the form of dancing cartoon condoms and says “EL SUAVE” across the waistband, you’re doing it wrong (unless your goal is to never get laid – if that’s the case, carry on!)

Once again, I feel like these Ed Hardy shirts do more to impede sex than encourage it.

Nearly naked hot people:

After I spent a good chunk of time wandering around all of the booths, I headed over to the main stage to catch the Baci Lingerie show. This basically involved watching a bunch of hot people strut down the runway in fancy underwear. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.  This is my favorite photo from the show:

I didn’t plan on spending the afternoon watching male strippers, it just happened. When it was time for male exotic dancing star Assassin to take the stage, the PR girl who was kindly showing me around, nudged me and said “You should stick around for this. He’s the biggest guy in the industry…and I mean BIGGEST. It almost hangs down to his knees” – naturally, my curiosity was piqued.

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When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong #4

I feel like my last few posts have been very “touchy, feely, let’s all go watch Oprah, hold hands and sing kumbaya” Writing about my feeeelings has left me craving a bit of snarky commentary. What better way to get the ball rolling than with another installment of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong?

If you think all of the weird sex toys are products designed for women, think again. From products that promise to be the best blowjob machines in the world to sex toys that are reminiscent of McDonald’s characters, it’s clear make some pretty bizarre stuff for men too. Here are some of my top pics of sex products for the gents:

BOYS WILL BE BOYS..

1. The Hand-Job Turbo Stroker: This product definitely puts the “hands” back in “hand-job”. The Turbo Stroker promises to deliver “life-like stroking action” with “plastic hands that stroke you up and down”….because every man fantasizes about having his junk stroked by tiny plastic doll hands. The fact the manicure matches the canister is no mistake people! I think what’s really creepy about this toy (besides the glaringly obvious) is that it says it includes a “realistic vagina opening” at the top of the shaft. Take a look at the photos. No really, check them out. I’m not exactly a vagina expert however, I’m guessing that neither are the manufacturers of this toy. FYI. THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.


2. Carmen’s Voluptuous Lips Blow Job Imitator: A few months ago, my friend Lindsay was over at my house hanging out and drinking wine. Somehow we ended up looking at sex toys online. The following conversation happened as soon as we stumbled upon Carmen’s Voluptuous Lips:

“What is that?”
“It’s a blow-job imitator”
“Why is it frowning? It looks sad”
“It does! I also don’t understand why it’s purple? It kind of reminds me of something else”
“It kind of reminds me of this guy”
“It’s Grimace’s girlfriend”
“Totally”
“Grimace’s girlfriend…why you so sad?”
“I’m sure it has something to do with the Hamburgler”

3. The Cobra Libre Hands Free Masturbator: This is the latest toy for men from Fun Factory. If you’re not familiar with Fun Factory, they are known for their high quality and body safe line of sex toys. The Cobra Libre is a Hands Free Masturbator for men. You stick your penis in the open end and then you sit back and relax as the toy vibrates & pulsates. I’m sure this toy is fantastic however, I can’t shake the feeling that it also reminds me of something else…
Oh right! My Hoover S1361. Boy, that thing is good on carpets.


4. The Aria Cock Pleaser: Aria is a blow-job imitator that has a “vibrating and rotating tongue” designed to “stimulate your love rod” (their words, not mine). Why does this toy weird me out? Five simple words: IT. HAS. A. NOSE. WHY?


5. The Sukit Draft by Fleshlight. I consider this product today’s piece de resistance. I imagine somewhere, at some point the following conversation occurred between an executive and an industrial designer:

“What are two things men enjoy?”
“Easy: beer and getting head”
“Let’s combine both of those into one product!”

“Ok, but we need a theme”
“I have really fond memories of that weekend I spent on R&R in Cam Rahn Bay in ’67. I think we need to give the product an Asian twist.”
“Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was born in the 80’s. The closest I’ve come to ‘Nam is that time I watched Apocalypse Now while totally baked on pot brownies”
“Fine. Just do your best…and make it discrete!”

And thus, the Sukit Draft aka, “Blow Job in a Can” was born.


Sure, this product is “discrete” until your buddy comes over, decides to grab a cold one and gets a very unpleasant warm surprise. If I really wanted to get into what I find wrong about this product (besides, once again…the glaringly obvious) I could re-hash for you one of my 4th year Anthropology lectures on the negative cultural impact of Orientalism however, instead I will quote Wayne and Garth: “It really SUKS!”

SOMETHING YOU BOTH CAN ENJOY…

6. Underwear Built for Two: the box says “Twice the Fun!” , Skinny Dip says “253646768797979769569 times the Awkward”

LASTLY…

7. 18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream: The name really says it all. I don’t know about you but, I’m pretty sure my vagina does not want to be 18 again. I don’t remember my vagina being particularly satisfied at that age. I was still sleeping with guys who’d barely mastered missionary and thought making love meant pounding away on a girl like an out of control energizer bunny. It wasn’t exactly what I’d consider a golden era. So, this cream just makes me scratch my head more than anything else. How exactly does it work? How does the cream know when its tight enough?! I just imagine somewhere a vagina is crying out: “NOOOOO THE WALLS ARE CLOSING INNNNNNNNN. MAKE IT STOP!”


Even more bizarre, you can purchase this cream from Amazon. It’s great to know that if I ever decide I want to live out the nightmare I described above (not likely) I can purchase this product in the same shopping basket as the latest Glee box set and the complete works of David Sedaris. Now, that’s what you call modern convenience.

Maybe I am totally missing the point but do people actually use these products? Do my male friends secretly enjoy sticking their penises inside something that looks like a vacume cleaner? I don’t think I really need to know the answers however, I am going to think twice next time I grab a beer from their fridge.

Have you guys seen anything weird and wonderful lately? Please share!

 

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