It’s that time again! Welcome to episode #3 of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong. The theme of today’s post “If Old McDonald Had a Sex Toy Shop“
While doing some research for these sex toys gone wrong posts I came across an interesting phenomena: there are a lot of sex toys out there that are shaped like animals (too many) and its starting to give me the creeps. I’m not talking about the iconic “Rabbit” vibrator. I understand the appeal of the Rabbit. I’m talking about sex toys that take this whole animal thing to a new creepy level. Here are a few toys that make me say “E-I-E-I-OH-NO” (Come on. You knew that was coming.)
1. The Fun Factory Dolly Dolphin. Growing up on the West Coast, I went through a phase many girls go through, where I wanted to be a marine biologist. Whenever I’d go to the mainland with my parents, I’d insist we visit the Vancouver Aquarium. My favorite was “White Wing” – the Aquarium’s star dolphin that had a singular white flipper . I was so enamored with White Wing that my parents bought me a plastic model of her from the Aquarium gift shop that I proudly displayed in my bedroom. For my 4th birthday I had a cake with a dolphin on it and with a message below that said “Happy Birthday love Mom, Dad and White Wing“. As I got older my love for marine biology waned and was replaced with other interests like ballet and teen drinking. However, I took solace in knowing that my White Wing doll was safely packed away with the rest of my childhood toys…or, so I thought.
You can imagine the horror I experienced the first time I walked into a sex shop and saw an unexpected familiar face:
2. The I Rub my Duckie Paris Vibe The original I Rub my Duckie vibe is a classic yellow rubber duck designed for a little extra “bath time fun”. The manufacturers have updated the duck so that its also available in a fun new color (pepto bismal pink!) with new “glamorous” features (a feather boa! a Swarovski studded beak!). The people over at Pinkcherry.ca describe this toy as “possibly the most discrete pleasure toy available“. Can someone please explain what exactly is discrete about this toy? ITS A BRIGHT PINK DUCK IN A FEATHER BOA. If I saw this in someone’s bathroom I’d have so many questions. First of all – when you use it, what happens to the feather boa? As I’ve learned from experience, feathered accessories and water do not mix. Does the boa get flung off onto the wet bathroom floor in a fit of passion? Or, would the owner be more inclined to hang it up on a tiny duck sized towel rack before getting down to business? What’s the deal?
The only person I could imagine having something like this in their home is my gay friend Geoffrey. I met Geoffrey at the height of my fag hag partying days. Geoffrey was and still is, one of the most flamboyant men I know. The decor of his apartment could be described as “Malibu Barbie and Gay Ken’s beach house” meets “Jersey Shore set“: Animal print sofas! Pink and gold zebra print bedspread! Photos of naked men hanging everywhere! Hand-towels streaked with orange bronzer! The last time I went over there my friend said to me: “Hey Simone! Look what I bought!” and emerged from his bedroom carrying a rubber fist the size of a baseball bat. Rubber Duckie, you are not the one for me…or for Geoffrey.
3. The Hello Kitty Vibrator: Another weird phase I went through while growing up on the West Coast was this period in high school where I wished I was Asian. In 2009, Statistics Canada reported that over 30% of the inhabitants of Vancouver – a city with a metropolitan population of 2 million – have Chinese heritage. Living on the West Coast, its hard not to pick up on a little bit of Asian pop culture. I took this a step further, and turned my love for Asian pop culture into a full-fledged identity crisis. I looked up to my Asian friends: the music they listened to, the food they ate, the way they dressed. I read fashion magazines from Hong Kong. I mainlined Bubble Tea like it was my job. I listened to tapes of Cantonese pop that my friends would give me. I dated Asian guys. I learned how to swear in Cantonese. I’d impress my friend’s parents with my nimble chopstick skills. My friends and boyfriends lovingly teased me that I’d become an “Egg” – white on the outside, yellow on the inside. As part of my “Egg” identity crisis I became obbsessed with all things Japanamation. My life started to look like it was sponsored by Hello Kitty & friends – a phase that lasted into first year university when I eventually realized that I was creeping people out. Although I’ve abandoned my dream of owning a Hello Kitty toaster (which once seemed like the holy grail of household products) I’m still kind of an EGG at heart. I love Dim Sum as much as Bacon & Eggs, my mouth waters at the sight of salted Taiwanese plums and I like to roam to ailses of T&T whenever I’m feeling homesick. My Hello Kitty nail clipper & contact lense case has long since disappeared but, I still have a soft spot for the mouthless feline. With that said, I can never, EVER get on board with this product:
4. Portable Pleasure Petz are a collection of gelatinous looking travel sized vibrators in the shape of some of your favorite animals. For the sake of bio-diversity, the Pleasure Petz collection includes a vibrating Bunny, Beaver, Penguin and Platypus, all of which come with toy cleaner and lubricant. I assume that’s lubricant – the bottle simply says “MOIST” – straight to the point!
Please note that these are “PETZ” with a “Z”. There is something inherently questionable about things that are spelled with a “Z” that don’t need to be…like, “Cheez” or “Wingz”. There’s this restaurant that I drive by everyday on my commute to and from work called “Bitez and Thingz”. Lets just say that my desire to eat there is about the same as my desire to use a vibrating “platapuz” on my “puzzy”.
These toys do however, make me want to go and buy a bag of 5 cent gummy candy.
5. The I Rub my Wormie: Lets take a moment to acknowledge the complete un-sexiness of this product. “I Rub My Wormie” sounds like something you’d hear an old man say right before he opens his raincoat and exposes his goods to the passengers of the Westbound Queen streetcar.
I once had the displeasure of hearing a 32 year old man that I’d had sex with with refer to his cock as his “pee pee”. Just thinking about that makes my lady parts go dry. This toy has a similar effect. I’ve established a new Rule of thumb: If it has googly eyes, I don’t want it between my legs.
DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE I RUB MY FISHIE.
What do you guys think?