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When Sex Toys go Hilariously Wrong

Last night was my friend Sam‘s lingerie shower. We had so much fun. We ate. We drank. We played games. We got a bit silly.

One of favorite parts of the night -besides hanging out with Sam and her family (I kind of wish I could adopt them or they could adopt me, because they are one of the warmest & nicest group of people I have ever met) was some of the amazing prizes that Kim (Sam’s mom) picked out.

Exhibit A: “The Pleasure Bumps”

What’s that on my finger you ask? That’s a plastic penis extension! You know – for the guy who “wants a little bit more” (because nothing says romance like “hold on babe, let me go grab my fake penis tip to put on top of my real penis. Yeah, that’s the stuff!”). The contraption had a weird plastic-y feel. I imagine these are made in the same factory as clown noses. I also imagine there is a whole assembly of line of Chinese factory workers laughing at us, as in “I can’t believe the shit westerners buy

Do people actually use things like this? Would this even stay on? So many questions.

Friend: “It looks diseased!”

me: “I think it has genital warts”

Kim: “I think they’re supposed to be pleasure bumps

me: “I’m sure there is a guy out there who is trying to convince a woman that that’s what his are”

Exhibit B: I was the lucky winner of the The Magic Super Stretch Superb Pleasure Set” (try saying THAT three times fast). This little dream team promises that “Each tickler delivers different sensations. Enjoy one at a time or in thrilling combinations!“. The box also states in bold letters, “USE WITH PENIS OR FINGER”. I don’t know about you but, I don’t really trust a sex toy that promises to fit both a penis and a finger, two appendages that one always hopes are two very different sizes.

I love how the box says that the product is sold as “an adult novelty toy only”. What else would it be sold as?! What could anyone else possibly use this for, besides maybe an angler on the end of a fish lure?!

…which lead to the following conversation:

“Why is it that bad sex toys always remind me of seafood?”

“It kind of looks like a squid”

“The big guy makes me think of popcorn shrimp. I haven’t had popcorn shrimp in a while”

“I could totally go for some calamari right now”

It wasn’t until I took a really close look at the big pink contraption that I noticed something. The little nubby bit on the tip (which I assume is meant for clitoral or maybe anal stimulation) is actually a tiny miniature penis.

Because, I’m sure when most women think of “mind-blowing orgasms“, what immediately comes to mind is “1/2 inch hot pink penis

I think both of these products definitely classify as “sex toys gone wrong“. But, in these toys defense if the world was only filled with beautiful, expertly designed pleasure objects a la Lelo or Jimmy Jane, it would be a pretty boring place. “Sex toys gone wrong” may just be a recurring feature because I’m sure there are more of these gems lurking on the back shelves of a sex stores everywhere.

Before I sign off, I must introduce last night’s special male guest “Danny”. He’s a naughty, naughty boy. He had nothing nice to say so, we had to tape his mouth shut.

“Danny” was a good sport about it all, even after I mistakenly called him “Bucky” on several occasions – the result of a few too many glasses of sangria. And yes, that may or may not be two people trying to hump each other in the background.

How was your weekend?


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