Welcome to Spinsters ‘R’ Us

Years ago, when I was still living in Toronto, I remember having a conversation with my friend Alex about the IKEA catalog. When I told him that I never received it in the mail anymore, he explained that apparently IKEA had set up these invisible borders in the city based on presumed income. If your apartment fell on the wrong side of the dotted line it meant that you didn’t receive the catalog. Lots has changed in Toronto since then. Neighbourhoods that were once rough around the edges have since been gentrified, making way for Yuppies and Hipsters alike. I assume that IKEA has adjusted their mailing policies. However, back then when I lived in an affordable “up and coming”  neighbourhood where my “neighbours” consisted of a group of transexual prostitutes who conducted business in front of my apartment building, being told by IKEA that they didn’t I could afford a $29 bookshelf just added insult to injury.

I feel that similar, mysterious forces are at play here. The other day I received this in the mail:

Is it possible that my subscription to Fredricks of Hollywood  got cancelled and no one told me? Inside the “Added Touch” catalog I found a wide variety of floor length night gowns, Christmas sweaters and all things related to cats. Universe, are you trying to tell me something? I know I’ve acting like a bit of a Senior Citizen lately now but come on, this is a bit much.

I’ve included some of my favourite pages from “The Added Touch” so you can see what I’m dealing with:

Readers, behold Exhibit A: “The Snuggle Popover Robe.”

Because nothing says “sexy” like a floor length turtleneck. If I ever decide to kill my sex life for good, I’m going to start rocking one of those bad boys. Like the catalog says, they are perfect for chilly nights…alone. Can’t decide between periwinkle or hospital pink?! No problem! There are plenty of other colour options in the same ultra body obscuring cut:

Personally, I’m a fan of the “Catnap Flannel Sleepshirt.” You can’t tell from the photo but theres actually a matching rhinestone studded cat T-shirt and coordinating pair of Christmas socks featured on the same page. It’s the perfect thing to wear if you plan to lure eligible bachelors into your poinsettia themed bedroom:

(PS. Throw on a “Sequined Glamor Cap”  to keep things interesting!)

I’m not going to lie, I was actually impressed by the sheer volume of cat related merchandise they carry. Cat Face T-Shirt or coasters anyone?

The tie-dyed “Fluffy Felines Tee” (above) is actually kind of awesome. Oddly enough, it’s also kind of trendy. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the same T-Shirt being sold at one of the uber Hipster stores on Queen Street West for 3x the price.

Cat figurines! Cat ring holders! Kitty Kleenex boxes! With prices as low as $3.99 who can resist?

Don’t plan on ever having sex again? They’ve got the purrrrrrrrrfect bedding for you!

Because really, who needs a man when you can drink coffee out of this mug every morning?

Near the end of the catalog there was a section of gifts which I can only assume are meant for grandchildren. Think cat shaped night-lights and T-Shirts that say “If Mom says no, ask Grandma!”  There was also this board game:

Yes, that’s a board game called “FART” and this “Fast and Flatulent Card Game” is about exactly what it’s name suggests:

“Fart! is the sound-sensentional game of rip roaring fun that will challenge even your straight-laced Aunt to keep from cracking up! An instant source of laughter, Fart! is the hilarious game where you race to be the first to discard all your cards, while being serenaded by the fast and frantic fart chorus. Every now and then an enormous explosion will let rip, forcing you to change direction, pick up penalty cards, or “Pass the Wind” to your opponent” 

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. Ok, I probably could but it looks like someone beat me to it.

THIS GAME IS REAL.

And now I’m more confused than ever.

What does a “fast and frantic fart chorus” sound like? On second thought, I don’t want to know.

***

When I told my (usually cynical) sister about the catalog she said,

“I think it’s really cute! It looks like it’s for sweet, little old ladies. I mean, besides the FART game. That’s just weird”

“Yes, but why are they sending it to me?”

“Maybe you need to stop taking so many Instagrams of the cat”

It’s like the Universe is trying to tell that I should just give up, like, right now. Maybe I should just embrace Spinsterhood and settle into a cozy life that involves hanging out in my living room in a floor length “Snuggle Robe”, surrounded by cat figurines, playing a game of “FART” for one.

Then again, the other day I also received a box that contained a year’s supply of lube, crotchless underwear and a vibrator shaped like a duck.

Clearly, my life is full of a lot of MIXED MESSAGES.

Now, if you’ll excuse me – there’s a Cat Eyeglass Holder I need to buy. 

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