Home » Things That Look like Penises that Probably Shouldn’t

Things That Look like Penises that Probably Shouldn’t

A while back I received a Schick Quattro for Women Trimstyle Razor in a goodie bag that was given to me at an event. This razor has 4-blades on one end and a vibrating battery operated “Trimmer” on the other end (for Ladies who like to do a little “pruning of the hedges” if you know what I mean).

I was using my new razor one morning when the man in my life asked me:

“So, how do you like your new razor?”

“It’s great. I really like it”

“You know you only like it because it looks like a Penis”

I rolled my eyes and looked at him incredulously: “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”

“Take a closer look”

I know that my boyfriend has an even dirtier mind than I do (yes, this is possible) so, I decided to humor him and examine my razor closely. Upon closer inspection I realized that there was something very, very, familiar about my razor…and it wasn’t just because I had been shaving my legs with it for the past week.

What’s the deal with the familiar looking “lip” on my razor? I mean, look at it. It definitely looks like something I’ve seen before. Something many of us have seen before. Don’t tell me you don’t see it. Wait, what are those marks? Are those veins? DOES MY RAZOR HAVE VEINS?

I flipped over the razor and yes, my razor definitely has veins. Lots of veins. Or, maybe that’s supposed to be slightly droopy foreskin. I stared at the razor in awe. It was undeniable. My razor definitely had some very Penis like qualities. I was totally perplexed. WHY DOES MY RAZOR LOOK LIKE A PENIS? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

So, I asked around about this and apparently in the field of Industrial Design there is a school of thought that believes that products designed for women sell better when they resemble phallic shapes just as products designed for men sell better when they feature organic curves reminiscent of the shape of a woman’s body. Apparently this theory is often applied during the design of commercial perfume packaging. For example, Calvin Klein’s Eternity for Women is packaged in a tall, thin bottle with sharp edges. The Eternity for Men is packaged in a short, wide bottle with curved edges. Obviously, this is not a complete science nor, is it true across the board but, if you look at enough products you will see these patterns (I tested this out during a lunch time browse of the Holt Renfrew perfume section)

But, the Shick Quattro Trimstyle or, the Schick Dick Razor as I’ve come to call it, takes this subliminal marketing technique to a whole ‘nother level. They’ve given up on being subtle. This thing looks like a cock and frankly it rubs me the wrong way (no pun intended about razors or cocks)

Once I started to seriously think about what kind of marketing might be behind my Schick Dick razor, I got pissed off. I have this image of some high level product manager at a board meeting saying to his staff:

We need the razor to look like a dick so women will buy it. We need more veins. Definitely more veins. Also, can we give it a mushroom head like tip? Yes. Like that. Perfect! Muahahahahaha”

Ok, it probably didn’t go down exactly like this but, I can’t help but feel like its an insult to my intelligence that someone would design a product for my demographic hoping that I’d like it because it kind of looks like a wang. I guess I just feel blindsided. I’ve been enjoying shaving my legs with a penis and I didn’t even know it.

It gets better though. The Schick Dick razor can be used with or without the funny mushroom cap thing. There is definitely some bizarre “un-cut” vs. “cut” action going on here.

Funnily enough, I enjoy the experience more with the “cut” version of the Schick Dick so, I guess these crazy marketers managed to get one thing right.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against penises. I like penises. Depending on their owners, sometimes I love penises. My whole thing is (and I’m sure some of you will be able to relate to this) I just don’t like being surprised by penises. I kind of like to know when they are coming and going (pun kind of intended). I can say this because I am a bonified expert in surprise penis exposure. Whether its being flashed in the city park or finding myself in the middle of a crowded dance-floor when a very drunk guy decides to just “take it out” right in front of me, I’ve seen my share of strange weenies.

I always thought I was alone in my knack for attracting unexpected exposed male genitalia until I read comedienne Samantha Bee’s collection of autiobiographic essays “I know what I am, but what are you?”. It seems Miss Bee and I share the same quirk:

“If you’ve ever dreamed of serenading an innocent person in the park while strumming your guitar, with your foot up on a tree stump as you free-ball in your shorty short jean shorts, I am definitely the girl you want to do that in front of. Just in case your penis needs a breather, let’s say and it prefers an audience”

Yes. I am also that girl.

Back in the day before everyone owned a digital camera, I took a disposable camera to my Best Friend’s BBQ. After taking a few cutesy photos with my besties, I made the fatal mistake of leaving my camera out on the kitchen table. A few weeks later, my Mom and I went to the local pharmacy to get my film developed. When the photos came out, my Mom and I looked through the prints and that’s when I noticed that a large number of them were of penises. Someone had hijacked my camera during the BBQ and had used it to produce their own photo essay on their junk. Unfortunately this incident occurred at a time when I made it a habit to always order double prints and have every roll burned onto CD. My Mom’s comment:

“Umm, Simone…do you know these guys?”

Like a phallic version of the game Clue, I tried to figure out who the culprit behind the photos was based on the guest list. However, I never nailed it down. The fact remains is that I am the owner of a CD full of random peen.

The Schick Dick razor is kind of like the grooming industry’s answer to the cock shot. It takes something you enjoy (penis) and places it in a context where you are just like “WTF?”

This whole experience has made me wonder, what other penis shaped products are lurking in my apartment?

That’s a question to be answered another night.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go shave my legs with a penis.


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