The Sexual Apocalypse is Here and I’m Ready

Greetings from the pandemic where I’m currently hoarding imported Mexican salsa and drunk ordering books off Amazon late at night. How are you doing?

Lately, I’ve been writing a lot about the intersection of Covid-19, dating, sex and relationships for my Toronto Sun column . I’ve written pieces about the boom of the sex toy industry, called out the weird behaviour of single men in quarantine (I see you) and written A LOT about all the sex us single folk aren’t having right now. I don’t imagine a lot of people feel great about the idea of forced celibacy, but I’m strangely okay with it. Then it dawned on me why this is: I’ve been training for this my entire writing career.

Remember when I used to be a regular sex blogger? I know it’s been a while. Anyway, if you’re an OG Skinny Dip reader you might recall me once likening myself to Kenny “yo I gotta have sex tonight” Fisher because my stash of sex supplies far outweighed my current needs. At the height of my sex blogging, the stockpile of toys, lubes and candles my bedroom looked like I was gearing up for some kind of sexual apocalypse. Well, my friends, that day is here.

(FYI, the Kenny Fisher inspired artwork above can be found here)

My sexual doomsday prepper tendencies have finally paid off. While my hand sanitizer and Lysol wipe supply may be dwindling, I have everything I need to survive the era of solo-sex.

The other night, I decided to do an impromptu inventory of my wares, which lead to a Marie Kondo-esque cleaning out of my sex toy cabinets. Just like Kondo suggests, I pulled everything out and placed it on my bed. Not going to lie — it was a bit scary. I found a lot of stuff that I either forgot I owned, have never tried or never want to try.

In the spirit of sex toys that go hilariously wrong, I thought it would be fun to walk you through some of the weirder items I came across.

Like this thing. What fuck is this? Similar to the telltale dildo (RIP you veiny monstrosity), I always forget I own this thing until I open the drawer and it startles me back to reality. It would be hilarious, if it wasn’t so terrifying.

I solemnly swear that I do not like this toy and don’t want it anywhere near my genitals.

Made of creepy, tacky jelly material, I think this is supposed to used as an attachment for a wand vibrator. However, it doesn’t fit any of the wands I own, which begs the question: #why? Also, the fingers are creepily small *shudder*

Next, what fresh slice of hell is this? I was sent this confusing contraption a few years ago but have since thrown out the manual and now have no idea/desire to try and figure it out.

I assume it’s for a couple (both with vaginas, maybe?) to use internally together, but it’s almost two feet long. When fully inserted there’s still going to be at least 6 inches of plastic “arm” between the two of you. Even in the time of social distancing, this seems wrong.

I mean, I kind of wish it was a set of wearable speakers for running, but alas it is not.

By the way, I found these two throwback gems. Who can forget this unfortunate thirst purchase and the almighty candy cane vibrator? (Insert joke about Christmas “comes” all year round).

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I also unearthed a handful of vibrators that look like a stingray had sex with a computer mouse. I vaguely remember trying these? But why are there so many of them and why are they all so unmemorable? Also, I’m pretty sure one of them is called “The Chocolate” which makes zero sense because it’s pink.

While I mostly plan on sticking to my favourite sex toys during quarantine (if it ain’t broken, why fix it?), many of the less favoured items in my collection can still be put to good use.

For example, these Fifty Shades of Grey arm restraints can be repurposed as a stylish face mask in a pinch.

If things really go south, I’m also prepared for any Birdbox type situations that may arise.

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Oh, and those Fifty Shades of Grey handcuffs I never use because they have quotes from the book engraved on them (I kid you not)…

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If society descends into full out anarchy, the cuffs paired with the Fifty Shades of Grey blindfold are perfect for restraining adversaries.

It’s what Christian Grey would want.

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Like the inscription on the cuffs says, any predators will be “all mine.”

Since many of us are embracing home improvements lately, I think it’s also important to note that silicone lube is great for fixing a creaky door.

While it’s unlikely I’ll be using any of these toys in the bedroom, they can still be useful. My suggestion: combine two questionable toys into one horrifying back scratcher/high shelf-reacher/social distancing tool.

Here, let me get that for you!

Lastly, just because handshakes are off the table right now doesn’t mean you can’t still make those money moves.

Well, that’s all folks. I hope you’ve enjoyed this post and are all staying safe and well.

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