That Friday Afternoon I Spent Watching Strippers, Photographing Half-Naked People and Doing Other Weird Stuff.

On October 22nd I spent the afternoon at the Toronto Metro Convention Center covering the annual Toronto Everything to Do with Sex Show for The Hip & Urban Girl’s Guide. The ETDWSS is a huge event that features over 100 different sex themed vendors, workshops, live entertainment and special guests.

If you’re interested in learning more about the show you can read my very vanilla-ified review of the event here. As a blogger who tends to write a lot about sex & relationships, going to this event was a bit like being a kid in a  candy store….a giant stadium sized candy store full of lingerie, sex toys & tons of interesting blog fodder. I was in heaven. Here’s a look at what I saw:

Interesting Sex Toys & “Adult Themed” products:

I was only at the show for a few minutes before I located the Sqweel. You might remember this toy from my Christmas list last year. Yes people, that’s a wheel of tongues. It’s back on my Christmas list this year because apparently even Santa is weirded out by this thing. I think this is one of those toys that’s so wrong, it’s almost right (IT’S A WHEEL OF TONGUES, HOW COULD THIS BE A BAD THING?)

Oh hello there, Cobra Libre Hands Free Masturbator. Last time I saw you it was in this post about Sex Toys Gone Hilariously Wrong. You really do look like a vacuum cleaner in person.

Do you want to be that creepy person on the block that everyone suspects is a total sex criminal? DO YOU?! Then, I suggest purchasing this “Pornkins” pumpkin carving kit for next Halloween. I can only imagine the trick or treating conversations (“Mommy, why is that one Spiderman stabbing that other Spiderman with his hips?”) Um, yeah.

Stuff that just doesn’t belong:

Like this random Soft Serve Stand. Is this always there? Is it part of the show? Does anyone really want to eat vanilla soft serve in the middle of a sex show?! Wait, don’t answer that. Either way, the lady behind the counter was not impressed that I took a photo of her.

Oh snap, I didn’t realize The Everything To with Sex Show was also carrying birth control!

I’m all about condoms and safe sex but, fellas – if your underwear features an ode to safe sex in the form of dancing cartoon condoms and says “EL SUAVE” across the waistband, you’re doing it wrong (unless your goal is to never get laid – if that’s the case, carry on!)

Once again, I feel like these Ed Hardy shirts do more to impede sex than encourage it.

Nearly naked hot people:

After I spent a good chunk of time wandering around all of the booths, I headed over to the main stage to catch the Baci Lingerie show. This basically involved watching a bunch of hot people strut down the runway in fancy underwear. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.  This is my favorite photo from the show:

I didn’t plan on spending the afternoon watching male strippers, it just happened. When it was time for male exotic dancing star Assassin to take the stage, the PR girl who was kindly showing me around, nudged me and said “You should stick around for this. He’s the biggest guy in the industry…and I mean BIGGEST. It almost hangs down to his knees” – naturally, my curiosity was piqued.

Here are some shots I took of Assassin as he bumped and grinded his way through the song “Pony” by Ginuwine (is there another song guys ever strip to?) You’re probably wondering what you’re looking at here. That’s a very large penis encased in a black sock which is adorned in black fringe & bows like a turkey drumstick.

I have this problem where I can’t watch male strippers with a straight face. This was no exception. The cowboy hat and the gloves didn’t help. I was doing pretty good at maintaining my composure but then there was a some awkward squatting….

and some serious hip thrusting (AHHHH!)

Until finally, what I like to call “the money shot” (the moment where I almost spit out my Perrier and dropped my camera while convulsing with nervous laughter).

While in this position he started thrusting and air humping the audience, giving the front row (ME!) a full spread eagle view of his ass crack & testicles (AHHHHH!) or as my Gay BFF would say “Girrrrl, I saw his sack & his crack!” The worst part was, I had the opportunity to go interview him after the show but totally bailed because I knew all that would be going through my head was SACK AND CRACK SACK AND CRACK SACK AND CRACK AHHHHHH!

The funny thing about going to events like this is that EVERYTHING takes on a new meaning….

…and the whole process leaves you in desperate need of an afternoon snack.

All in all, it was a good way to spend a Friday afternoon. 

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