I was going to post Ex-Boyfriend Letter #2 today but I just wasn’t feeling it. Instead, I am going to post something equally as inappropriate for an Easter Long Weekend:
A TMI post about grooming your lady parts.
(Sorry Jesus)
I’m just going to say it:
Getting a Bikini Wax is kind of a weird experience. Ladies, do you feel me?
As far as potentially awkward social situations go, I feel like The Bikini Wax rivals The Blind Date. It might even be worse. I’ve never been on a date where I’ve laid on a table that’s covered in paper, in tiny panties (or no panties at all) while a virtual stranger spreads hot, sticky goo on my privates with a giant Popsicle stick. But, that is essentially what a Bikini Wax involves. This is what was running through my head a few weeks ago, while I was lying on one of these tables at a new salon in Koreatown (I decided to get everything spruced up before my trip to LA). I looked down and saw hot sticky goop on my body and some nameless stranger intently focused on my crotch & thought, THIS IS WEIRD. Even if this WAS a first date, I would hope that if we got to this point we would at least be on a first name basis.
PAIN. Waxing Hurts. Guys, if you’ve never had anything waxed, imagine pulling off a giant band-aid…from your junk. At best, its uncomfortable. It does hurt less the more you do it but, anyone who says its painless is lying.
THE NOISES. I’m not going to lie. I make noise. Even though I know what to expect, I still YELP. Or yell out OUCH. Or if its really bad, the occasional OH GOD. As I have discovered, other women do too. The salon I went to a few weeks ago has really thin walls. While I was having hair ripped off my body I could hear a chorus of OH GODS. OH SHITS & OUUUCHH’s coming from the other waxing rooms. It was a bit weird. Two years ago I went to a fancy-frou-frou salon in Yorkville to get laser hair removal. While I was getting my treatments done my esthetician always played cheesy New Age-Enya music. A first I thought she just had really bad taste in music, then I realized the music was to drown out the SCREAMING. And yes, getting laser done also hurts. ALOT. Like being jabbed again and again with a tiny needle. Anyone who tells you otherwise is also lying to you.
WEIRD BODY POSITIONS. As if it wasn’t bad enough that some RANDOM is “right in there” looking at your lady parts, sometimes you need to position your body in unusual ways so that they can really get right in there. One of the most common requests is “please bring your leg up to your knee like you’re doing a pirouette”. I did Ballet for 16 years. I never thought I’d be doing NAKED BALLET with a stranger. WEIRD.
WEIRD TOUCHING. I won’t go into details but, this time I had a little bit more taken off than I usually do. At one point my Waxer took my hand and said “Put your hand here” and instructed me to place my hand on my crotch. Then she took her hand, placed it on my hand & pressed down, holding the skin taut, while she used her other free hand to rip the wax strip off. I assume this is “normal”. Either that or my Waxer is a pervert.
When I told BF about this recent experience he said “That sounds kind of hot”. But, that’s the thing. There is nothing sexual about bikini waxing. That’s another reason its weird: its a completely intimate experience, that’s completely non-sexual. Its not even like they are your doctor. More than likely they are a stranger who happens to work at a salon in a strip mall. And now they’re looking at your lady parts.
I’ve had the stereotypical waxer. You’ve seen her in movies. She wears a white smock. She has a thick Eastern European accent and even thicker table legs. She shows absolutely no mercy. If you happen to show signs of distress (you try not to because you’re scared. very scared.) she gives you this look that says “Spoiled Canadian girl. You think this is suffering?! Try wearing Communist issued underwear for 20 years!” . Totally terrifying.
RIPPPPPPPPP. OUCH.
Then there is “The Talker”. I had this one lady who decided it was appropriate to start telling me all about her friend who had just died (not on the waxing table thankfully). When Mariah Carey’s “One Sweet Day” came on the radio, she said “This is such a great song. They played it at the funeral”. At one point I thought she was going to start crying. AWKWARD. However, if her goal was to make me feel more sorry for HER than I did for myself at that moment, it worked.
RIPPPPPPPPP. OUCH.
Then of course there was the very apologetic Vietnamese girl who did my waxing a few weeks ago. Every time I would say OUCH, she would say in a tiny voice “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!”. After a few times I calmly looked at her and said “It’s Ok. Just because I scream out doesn’t mean I am mad at you. Just keep doing your thing”.
RIPPPPPPPP. OUCH.
Oh, the things women go through to feel sexy for themselves, or men or other women.
And while we’re on the topic of WEIRD, what’s the deal with VAGAZZLING?! If you haven’t heard of Vagazzling, its a new trend that involves getting a Brazilian Wax, then having Swarovski crytals, glued on to your lady part area. I read about it a while ago on my Twitter buddy Barbara‘s Blog (check it out. She even has a video you can watch!). I’ve been fascinated/disturbed ever since.
I’m not saying I would NEVER do this (I actually considered for a moment going to get this done just so that I could blog about it) but every time I think of it the first thing that pops into mind are those scary BEDAZZLER informercials.
I don’t want “Tana” (name spelled out in jewels) & her craftiness anywhere near my Vagina. The last thing I want is for that special area of my body to look like a craft project gone wrong, or like a pair of jeans you’d find at an outlet mall. Nor do I want a guy to pull off my French lace panties and think of THIS.
Is this really what’s next? When did just being smooth and hairless stop being enough?
Men, do you find this sexy?
To quote BF, he said “I think most guys are pretty excited to even get down there. They don’t need a light show”.
Maybe I am old fashioned but, those are my thoughts exactly. I think what turns me off most about VAGAZZLING is the practical aspect. Any woman who’s ever had a wax knows that eventually the hair starts to grow back, sometimes with less than pretty results. Throw in some ingrown hairs + uneven hair + glue + glitter jewels. UGH. GAG. I don’t ever want to look down there and see that.
BF also brought up another good point, “Only Women would put themselves through that”
SO TRUE. Do you think most Straight Men would do any of this (waxing, ‘jazzling etc)?
OH HELL NO.
And, I kind of hope I never see the day when DICK-JAZZLING ever becomes popular. I don’t EVER want to un-zip some guys pants and find a sequined Penis or a pair of Swarovski encrusted balls. (Kind of gives a whole new slant to the term “Disco Stick”)
THAT would HAVE to be added to the LIST immediatement!
So guys and girls, what’s your take on all this?
