I feel like the Universe is trying to make it painfully obvious that I’m in some kind of rut. We’re approaching the 6 month mark on my online dating hiatus and I’m starting to get the itch to put myself out there again. From bizarre bar-room pick-ups to getting hit on by the over 60 set, in September I was definitely putting out a vibe that was attracting (albeit unsuitable) members of the opposite sex. However, something has shifted and whatever energy I’m sending out is decidedly different this month.
Last week an elderly woman stopped me in the middle of the sidewalk to discuss the rising price of cat food. To add insult to injury, Amazon has emailed me three times in the past month suggesting I purchase this – a glaring reminder that the only “men” I’ve spent time with lately are 12 inches tall and made of plastic (either that, or Joe the Intern has been shopping on Amazon for new “friends” when I’m not around.) Either way, things are getting weird around here – more so than usual.
It seemed only appropriate that this week another copy of The Added Touch (aka “Spinsters ‘R’ Us“) arrived on my doorstep. If you’re new here, I received this same catalog last year. Inside I found a wide selection of libido killing nightwear, cat trinkets and the world’s saddest coffee mug – all of which were documented on the blog.
Well, The Added Touch is back with more Amish-like “party dresses”, body camouflaging sleepwear and other ingenious items that are guaranteed to repel potential suitors. Here are a few of my favourites –
Are all those shapeless muumuus you bought from last year’s catalogue feeling a bit breezy? What you need is something equally as figure obscuring, but in a two-piece pant suit. Love your Snuggie and have a Smurf fetish? Why not try this blue fuzzy lounge set? Just don’t be surprised if you get this stuck in head when
you’re writing this post wearing it. If velour isn’t your thing, there’s also these fantastic two-tone track suits – perfect for a light jog or joining the Heaven’s Gate Cult. Last but not least, if you’re looking some something a little dressier, why not grab a pair of these elasticized waist, sexuality neutralizing, corduroy pants. Apparently you can wear them with your favourite pair of cowboy boots. I mean, why wouldn’t you?
Any of these outfits would look great paired with this red “Hoodie Dickie.” Inspired by Eminem circa the movie 8 Mile and Little Red Riding Hood, this convenient hood gives you all the warmth and comfort of an actual hoodie but without the bulk. Sorry ladies, the Psalms of David book is sold separately.
Speed up the insanity process with a mug that makes you think you’re living with a bunch of cats, even when you’re not. Meow?
There will be no horsing around in your bedroom with this nightlight….
I’m single and have bad feet but luckily, there are lots of fun socks available to cheer me up. The catalog says “Ahhh…socks”, Simone says “Ahhh…celibacy!”