relationships Archives - Page 6 of 8

As I’ve mentioned before, there are several factors that make meeting people in Victoria difficult. First of all, there’s an exceptionally large population of Senior Citizens and Hipsters. The overabundance of white hair and flannel shirts often makes feel like you are living in the film Cocoon or an episode of Portlandia (or “Cocoon-Landia” – a scary hybrid of both) If you’re not looking to meet octogenarians, or someone who wears an excessive amount of plaid, your dating options are limited.

Welcome to Cocoon-Landia. Where fixed gear bikes and mobility scooters meet.

Added to that, it feels like I have already dated everyone in this city . Plus, I also suspect some people might be under the false impression that I am not in fact female. As part of my on-going inquest into the Victoria singles scene, I’ve come up with a new theory as to why dating just hasn’t happened for me here:

I’m living the life of a Senior Citizen.

Recent Vegas antics aside, since moving back here in November I have become a Golden Girls episode of one – minus all the pastel colored pantsuits.

How does one turn into an honorary Senior Citizen? Easy:

1. Move back in with your 63 year old mother, to a town, so full of retirees, it’s known as “Canada’s Jurassic Park”

2. Work from home so you can avoid making contact with people your own age.

3. Start planning your week around various Senior discount days.

Oh the discounts you get when you get older! Although getting older kind of sucks, you do get access to a lot of cheap stuff. (I’ve learned this while tagging along with my parents on their shopping trips.) This is how my week usually pans out:

MONDAY: Monday is Senior’s discount night at one of the movie theaters in town, which means it’s usually the night I go to the movies with my Dad. Sure, Monday is an odd night to go see a movie, but to quote my Dad this weekend when I asked him if he wanted to go see The Five Year Engagement with me: “I don’t want to break the bank and pay $10 to go to a movie on Saturday when I can pay $5 to go on a Monday, Simone.” Because my Dad always pays, he makes the rules. Sometimes, my Dad’s friend Ron comes along. Having no kids of his own, I think he’s excited to hang out with anyone who isn’t a Senior Citizen. Plus, I think they enjoy having someone to answer their questions like “Simone, yesterday I heard someone say “that’s just cray!” Is that the same thing as saying something is the bomb?” It’s a WIN/WIN situation.

TUESDAY: Senior Discount Day at Value Village. 30% off! My Mom and I usually go to check this out together because we both love treasure hunting. She’ll pick up interesting finds for her vintage store while I usually find a Michael Kors blouse that someone has managed to pass over. We’ll often run into my Dad’s friend Ron who I suspect (like me) also craves human interaction.

WEDNESDAY: Coffee date with best friend. Catch up on emails that I neglected while doing Senior activities.

THURSDAY: ARGH, FOOT PAIN! Go to mall to shop for comfortable walking shoes. While there, see a display for the Victoria Cactus club – not the bar, the actual club that grows cactuses. Consider joining.

FRIDAY: Check out weekly Church rummage sale with my Mom.

If you’re looking to really get down with the Senior Citizen lifestyle, I would also suggest eating dinner early. Like, really, really early. There have been several times that my Mom have gone for dinner at 4:15 pm and you know what? It’s been awesome. I’m always super hungry around 4pm anyways so why not just have dinner? What are you waiting for?! Eating dinner early means I can feel less guilty later when I indulge in a snack while watching Seinfeld re-runs with my cat (this is how most of my nights play out in case you were wondering.)

Surrounded by fabulous bloggers at Chateau nightclub in Vegas. I look kind of confused in this photo like I'm thinking, "This is all familiar, yet unfamiliar. What am I supposed to do again? Oh right. Vodka and Red Bull, meet mouth. Repeat.

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Ever since I wrote this post, I’ve been mulling over the issue of male/female relations in this town. It’s been a few months and although I no longer feel like I’m emitting a “don’t fucking touch me” vibe, it still seems like flirtation is non-existent in Victoria. I’m not ready to date anyone but I wouldn’t mind if a guy passed me on the street and smiled at me. I might actually smile back.

When I’m in Toronto, there never seems to be a shortage of male attention. I regularly get hit on by a colorful collection of characters that include sketchy single dads, teen thugs, Greek guys over the age of 75, nerdy awkward collegiate types and the criminally insane. With that said, the one kind of guy who never, ever hits on me: HIPSTERS. In fact, I seem to repel Hipster guys.

I discovered this while living in my old neighborhood in Toronto. Amidst all the Portuguese delis, Greek diners, Latin American eateries and East African restaurants there was one Hipster coffee shop at the end of my street. When I slipped through the door of that coffee shop, I became invisible to the male species. Not a single horn-rimmed eye would look up from their Macbook and the guy manning the counter was usually too busy changing the record from David Byrne to Tom Waits to actually provide anything remotely resembling prompt service. It was uncanny.

One day, I accidentally conducted a social experiment. In desperate need of coffee, I skipped a shower, piled my hair on top of my head in a high bun, threw on a pair of jorts & a borrowed pair of oversized Raybans before heading over to the coffee shop. This time when I walked in heads turned, a guy smiled and the barrista served me my latte promptly. As an accidental hipster, I was the belle of the ball.

I have a few theories of why Hipster guys and I don’t mesh. I think my sister’s ex-boyfriend summed it up best: “Simone’s like, totally bougie” Coming from a guy who’s in his mid-30’s, works at a record store and dates 19 year olds, I refuse to be insulted by his comment. I am kind of bougie but I’ve chosen to embrace it. I like nice things. I carry a designer handbag, not for “ironic reasons” but because I like quality leather-goods & classic styling. As another friend notes:

“The reason hipster guys aren’t into you is because you’re way too clean cut. You don’t have an ironic hair-cut or wear retro clothing and you kind of scream out I’m employed”

It could also be that hipster guys intuitively know that I’m not into them. I abhor most facial hair (ironic or otherwise) and despite being Canadian, am not overly fond of plaid. I’m sure these guys sense that I’m not the kind of girl who would tolerate them wearing jorts in public or spending their days drinking coffee, talking about bands & “jamming” with their buddies. I’m a threat to their whole lifestyle.

I’m like Hipster Kryptonite.

Last week, I was sitting in one of Victoria’s many coffee shops and I had an epiphany. As I sipped my Chai Latte, I looked around at all the young, Rayban clad, bearded, plaid wearing, ironic coiffed gents and the large cluster of fixed gear bikes parked outside & it hit me:

THERE ARE HIPSTERS EVERYWHERE.

When all the men around me look like one of the variations below, it’s no surprise I’m not getting any play here.

“Oh hello, we’re the guys who aren’t attracted to Simone. Let’s go bike riding sometime”

Although all different kinds of hipster guys exist on the West Coast, we seem to have a surplus of bearded, organic tofu munching, pot smoking, “natural hipsters.” I seem to repel all varieties equally. I’m living in my very own episode of Portlandia and it ain’t pretty.

Then, last week something happened: I was spoken to by not one, but two Hipsters.

I was grabbing my coffee at Hipster coffee shop #1 when one of the bearded, plaid shirt clad barristas said to me:

“Isn’t today like, so sunny outside? It makes me want to just grab a few blankets and curl up in them in the park & just read all day while basking in the sunbeams”

I wasn’t sure whether this was an invitation, so I just kind of stared at him blankly before saying,

“Yeah, too bad I have to go home and work”

“Yeah, that’s totally too bad. Ciao”

This was followed by an incident yesterday at Hipster coffee shop #2 (Damn, those Hipsters sure know how to make a good cup of joe).

The guy helping me had a huge smile on his face. When I went to pay for my coffee, he checked out my debit card and said:

“Whoa girl. Check out the colors! They’re sooooo bright. That’s a pretty awesome debit card”

“Um, thanks?”

(It’s a normal debit card)

Then he says, “You have a totally awesome day now!” before giving me a wink and the “thumbs up” as I leave the coffee shop.

These interactions have lead me to believe that the problem with male/female interactions here isn’t the hipsters but rather, that my first hypothesis was right:

Everyone is stoned.

Email address:

One of the things I love about the Eden Fantasys website is that there is so much cool content on there. If you get bored looking at all the brightly colored sex toys, lingerie & the like, there’s forums, video reviews, the Eden Cafe Blog and SexIs Magazine – all of which feature fun & informative information about sex. Recently, I’ve become totally addicted to watching Producer & Sex Educator, Nikol Hasler’s “What Did We Learn” video series. Nikol Hasler’s story is interesting. Sexually active at a young age, her early life was marked by moving from various foster homes, conquering subsequent drug abuse, becoming homeless and pregnant – all before the age of 18. These experiences have given Nikol a unique perspective on sex education. In 2008 she teamed up with a friend to create the Midwest Teen Sex Show – a very popular comedy podcast where she uses her experiences & biting sense of humor to provide straight forward info to teens about sex. She’s since written a book & moved to LA to write a pilot based on her podcast for Comedy Central. In other words, color me impressed. Did I mention she’s also really funny?

Producer & Sex Educator, Nikol Hasler

I was watching her video “Five Things I Wish Someone Else Would Tell My Son” and it got me thinking about what I wish someone had told me about sex when I was a teenager.

The sex education I received in High School was spotty at best. In grade 10 our guidance counsellor Mrs. M (a bleach blonde, middle aged woman with a thick Eastern European accent & a fondness for spike heels, low cut tops & drinking out of a plaid thermos that I swear contained something stronger than coffee) turned on a VHS tape of the Degrassi High’s “School’s Out” TV movie and barked out “VATCH THIS!” before stumbling out of the room. If you haven’t seen this cheesy 1990’s masterpiece, it features a totally awkward scene where a girl shows her friend how to put a condom on a banana – because you know, that’s something that occurs all the time in normal social situations. I knew the basic “birds and bees” stuff but for the most part, sex ed left a lot to be desired. By the time I got to grade 11 my school had it’s own daycare. It’s funny how no one connected the dots here.

So, here’s some basic things I wish someone had told me in Sex Ed:

1. Always, ALWAYS pee after sex. When I was 19, I woke up one morning feeling like someone was stabbing my bladder with Ginsu knives. I thought I was dying. Turns out it was only a bladder infection – something I later learned could have been prevented if I had gone to the bathroom after doing the deed with my boyfriend the night before.

2. Sex Toys exist. Using them and pleasuring yourself isn’t weird or wrong. I feel like there is this massive double standard for men & women when it comes to self-pleasure. In popular culture, guys masturbating is considered “ha ha funny” (think the movie American Pie) whereas when it comes to women pleasuring themselves, it’s still looked upon as something slightly shameful. I didn’t even know vibrators existed for the longest time. When I finally worked up the nerve to go buy one in university it was like this big, secretive deal. Now that I own a whole drawer full of them I realize it’s not a big deal at all. Toys are actually really empowering. I wish more girls knew this.

With that said, if you’re going to use toys make sure they are body safe. Unfortunately, there are many toys out there made of materials that contain phthalates and other toxic chemicals that have been linked to cancer and serious health problems. Protect your girl parts and make sure the sex toy you are buying is labeled as “body safe and phthalate free”. I cringe to think what my first vibe was made of.

3. Sex sometimes involves weird noises, unexpected fluids and laughter. A healthy sex life involves having a sense of humor. Years ago, I was in bed with a former booty call of mine during a heat wave in Toronto. The sex was hot and our body temperatures were even hotter. We were SO sweaty that we were desperately clinging onto each other in fear that if we let go, we might actually slide off the bed. Because there was so much moisture, it created a suction cup effect. Every time we would separate our bodies, a funny farting sound would happen. The sex was so good we didn’t care. This kind of stuff happens. Bodies sometimes make strange noises. Periods arrive unexpectedly. If you’re not mature enough to deal with this & laugh it off with your partner, you’re probably not mature enough to be having sex.

4. Better awareness about condoms. Condoms come in all kinds of different textures, sizes, colors, lubricated/non-lubricated, ribbed/non-ribbed, pineapple flavor etc. Ahhh!!! It’s all very confusing!!! Not all of these condoms are going to work for you. For example, you might be allergic to latex, certain lubes or even spermicide. A sign you might be allergic to spermicide: your girl parts feel like they are on fire after coming in contact with it. True story.

5. Be careful, but don’t be terrified. I came of age amidst the height of the AIDS crisis. In grade 11, our drama teacher brought in an HIV+ AIDS activist to speak to our class. He got up and gave us the following piece of confusing advice: “Kids, don’t fuck your way through Europe like I did” while we all stared at him, open jawed. Combined with a Catholic upbringing, I spent a lot of my late teens/early 20’s having a lot of fear & guilt around sex. I wish someone had just said, “You can have a healthy, fun sex life that’s also safe”

6. Sex Ed for Gay Students. If I felt like I wasn’t getting much out of sex ed class I can’t imagine how my gay classmates must have felt. There was hardly any mention of homosexuality except “It exists. Don’t be homophobic”. No one ever brought up how gay people actually get it on. It was only last year , while watching an episode of “The Real L-Word” that I learned what “scissoring” was all about.

7. If a guy says he doesn’t want to wear a condom, dump him. Guys will go to great lengths to get out of wearing a condom. This includes telling you stuff like “I love you & would feel so much closer to you without one.” I once had a 35-year old man tell me “Condoms just feel impersonal” (and getting/spreading an STD is way more personal) Recently, I also heard another 30-something guy say that his method for protecting himself from STD’s is to “pull out” (um, I don’t think it works that way buddy). Which brings me to #8…

8. Unfortunately, it’s likely some of the people you will sleep with will be morons. Until proven otherwise, assume everyone is as clueless as the guys I mentioned above & take your health into your own hands. Wrap. It. Up. Play safe.

9. Sex often comes with these messy things called FEEEEELINGS. In high school we were told “wait until you’re in a relationship or married” but life doesn’t always happen that way. When I was 18 I started having a slightly scandalous affair with a much older man. The first time we slept together, he came over, we had sex & then he went home 5 minutes later. Nothing could have prepared me for the sense of emptiness I felt after my first casual sex experience. As much as I tried to front like I was all tough & cool when it came to sex back then, the truth was I got attached to people after I slept with them. When those feelings weren’t reciprocated it hurt.

10. Whatever you’re into is OK. Do you want to be spanked? Does porn turn you on? Are you into guys and girls? As long as it’s consensual and no one is getting hurt, whatever you’re into is totally OK. Except maybe clown porn. That’s kind of weird.

What do you wish you had learned in Sex Ed?

*This post was sponsored by Eden Fantasys who kindly sent me a gift certificate in exchange for my over-sharing. As always, all opinions and sordid tidbits are my own.

Some of the best conversations I’ve ever had have occurred between my Mom and I while we sit at our kitchen table. We have a nice living room but we really only use it for watching TV. The kitchen table is where everything goes down in our house. It’s where we show our love through food, have our morning coffee, talk about life, laugh, cry. It’s the same story whenever I go to my grandma’s house. The kitchen table is where it’s at. I haven’t figured out if this is a Eastern European thing or just a “my family thing.” Last week one of my kitchen table conversations with my Mom turned to my recent (albeit reluctant) foray into self-help books. I was trying to explain to my Mom the concept behind the book He’s Just Not That Into that I wrote about recently. I explained that the book teaches you how to value you yourself, not waste time on guys who aren’t really into you and to let the good ones come to you.

I absolutely adore this photo.

{found via Pinterest}

“I don’t know Simone. It doesn’t sound very modern. It sounds like the men still have all the power. Like, they are allowed to just go ahead and do whatever they want and all the responsibility for dating falls on the women to let them know that they are jerks” my Mom responded.

“I know it probably sounds that way Mom but think about it: If more women made a commitment to stop accepting sub-par treatment from the people they date and men realized that they could no longer get laid as easily, the game would change. Basically it comes down to basic economics. If the market changes and you don’t adapt you get left in the dust.”

(As you can tell I’ve been watching too many episodes of House of Lies – which I love BTW)

“Oh and Mom, this doesn’t just apply to men. There’s women out who treat men like crap too.”

“Ok, I see your point”

“Besides, as much as we like to think we can control other people’s actions, we can’t. We can only control how we react to them.”

“That’s true”

“I’m learning stuff Mom”

“I know. I raised a smart cookie”

(and yes, I learned that last bit in therapy. THERAPY RULES!)

My final thoughts on He’s Just Not that Into You:

I initially thought this book was going to be silly but it got me thinking. We are all entitled to awesome relationships that make us happy. Imagine what would happen if we all made a commitment to stop wasting the pretty, to respect and demand respect from the people around us and only accept the best treatment: I think we’d start a love revolution. My suggestion:

Let’s start a love revolution this weekend. Who’s onboard?!

Happy Weekend! xox

Once upon a time I had “game”.

When I was in my twenties I dated a whole string of unsuitable dudes. I had my feelings hurt, my heart crushed, learned a lot about myself and grew stronger as a result. Eventually I got to the point where I stopped accepting negative treatment from the people I dated. I became more confident, I started asking for what I wanted and I upped my standards. I came to the realization that it was much better to be alone on a Saturday night than be dating a guy who would forget to call because he was too busy skateboarding with his friends/”jamming” in his buddy’s garage/getting wasted/in the middle of a Battlestar Gallactica marathon with his gay neighbor/ You get the picture. Like that New Radicals song from the 90’s, I do believe “you get what you give” when it comes to the universe & love. I’m convinced that by valuing myself, the universe eventually brought me a man who valued me too – my ex that I spent 6 years with. He was a good boyfriend and had a big heart. I never had to question whether he cared about me, he always called when he said he would & most weekends he made sure we had coffee in bed. It’s been so long since I’ve been single that I kind of forgot that not everyone is as decent as this.

With my first romantic interaction following the break-up, it’s like my game went out the window. I got so wrapped up in my feeeeeelings that I let certain things like unreturned messages & a lack of communication just slide. It’s like I temporarily regressed to being a teenager again. Which is like, totally embarrassing because aren’t I supposed to be this bad-ass relationship blogger who knows better?! Getting hurt a tiny bit was actually a humbling experience because it made me realize that I’m not as invincible as I like to think I am. I guess everyone needs a romantic “tune up” every now and then. Maybe it’s time for mine.

I was telling my best friend all about this the other day when she picked up her copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You”, handed it to me and said:

“You need to read this”

I’ll admit, I was skeptical of this book because I tend to associate “self help” with “cheesy” and “not for me”. Also, I caught myself getting all defensive: “If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t like you. Got it. Isn’t this book all common sense?! I mean, I probably don’t need to read this. I already know everything it’s going to tell me bah blah blah blah”

However, last week I sat down with “He’s Just Not That Into You” and read it cover to cover. I’m glad I read the book. Like my best friend predicted, it was exactly what I needed to read right at this moment. Sure some of the scenarios in the book are kind of silly and common sense however, in general the book left me feeling empowered and reminded of some important lessons that we should all keep in mind whether we are out in the dating battlefield or in a steady relationship:

There’s never a good excuse for someone to hurt your feelings. EVER. So, stop making excuses for people.
If someone really wants to be with you, they’ll do what it takes to make sure that’s possible.
Not everyone is going to be that into you and that’s totally OK. Don’t waste your time on these people. Removing the relationship “clutter” leaves room for better things to come along.
Freaks should stay in the circus, not your apartment.
My favorite one of all: When it comes to the freaks, the time wasters & the people who just can’t bring themselves to turn off that Battlestar Gallactica episode to be with you: Don’t waste the pretty.

I think that’s going to be my new mantra.

Have any of you read the book? What’s your favorite book about dating/relationships/sex? (I’m on a roll here and might actually read more books like this if you have suggestions. If they’re humorous, even better!)

PS. Speaking of books, make sure you head over to the GIVEAWAY to win a copy of Eleni Zoe’s Hope Dies Last: Lessons in Love. Contest closes at the end of today!

Living La Vida Senior Citizen

Just Call Me Hipster Kryptonite

10 Things I Wish Sex Ed Had Taught Me

Vive La Revolution

Don’t Waste the Pretty