The Girl’s Guide to Depravity + a Giveaway

A few weeks before I went to Vegas I was sent a copy of Girl’s Guide to Depravity: How to Get Laid Without Getting Screwed by Heather Rutman. I’ve been dying to dig in to it and last night I was finally able to sit down and read it cover to cover.

About the book: 

Girl’s Guide to Depravity is a tongue-in-cheek handbook for the modern woman who’s ready to take back control, have a little fun, and do it without getting hurt. Like a down-and-dirty conversation with a depraved friend, this essential guide cuts out all the touchy feely bullshit and urges you to do something bad if it feels good.” 

Heather Rutman is a formerly single (but now settled) woman who spent over a decade dating more than her share of the dicks and douchebags in Hollywood.  Over the years, she was forced to develop her own philosophy on how to deal with them and Girl’s Guide to Depravity was born. Now that she doesn’t need the rules anymore Heather is passing them on to the next generation of depraved girls, who are looking to get laid without getting screwed.

Based on the blog and the Cinemax series of the same name, the entertaining, sometimes shocking, no hold barred book includes 55 rules, how-to’s, charts, quizzes and lots of hilarious, depraved tales about dating & mating in LA.

What to expect: 

DEPRAVITY. Straight up. This book definitely lives up to it’s name. Follow the author and her friends as they drink endless “Xantinis” (Xanax washed down with a martini), pop Ritalin, stalk their crushes and have a lot of sex. I imagine if Chelsea Handler
had a literary threesome with Hank Moody and Barney Stinson, the result of this bourbon soaked union would be the Girl’s Guide to Depravity.

Keep in mind that the tips in Girl’s Guide to Depravity: How to Get Laid Without Getting Screwed will get you laid no-matter-what….and that means some of them are well, a little crazy (see rule #6 : “Where there’s a pill, there’s a way” and #16 “It’s not stalking if he says where he’s going to be“). If you’re actually going to follow all of the advice in this book, I suggest checking your shame and your conscience at the door with your panties.

You should also expect lots of F-bombs, lots of idiosyncratic lingo (ie. “Cuddle Rapist: Noun. A person who forcibly cuddles another without consent.”), lots of abbreviations  (sometimes to the point of annoyance ie. ‘Gasm instead of Orgasm, ‘Gine instead Vagina etc.) and lots and lots of sex.

The Pros: This book is definitely highly entertaining and had me LOL-ing on several occasions. Many of the scenarios are completely over-the-top and there were many moments where I was like, “Did I really just read that?”

In a world where we are bombarded with magazine articles like, “How to get him to notice you” & “How to tell if he likes you”, and endless books and services designed to help us find true love, it’s kind of refreshing to read a book that completely throws the old “man pursues woman” formula out the window, and instead encourages women just go after what they want…especially, if all they want is a really good lay.

Although Rutman’s writing is often raunchy, I love that it’s completely unapologetic. While working as a TV producer and writer for NBC,  ABC Family, Lifetime, VH1 and Sony, Rutman has managed to write a blog that’s been turned into a book which has been turned into a TV show. In other words, she’s managed to do what a lot of us bloggers dream of doing which is pretty, freaking, cool.

The Cons: There is a disclaimer at the beginning of the book that says “If you’re looking for some touchy-feely respect yourself and your body bullshit, call your mother” and it also warns, “Be fully aware that recreating some of the actions you’re about to read about may lead you to be a) punched in the vagina b) banned from the bar c) thrown in rehab d) arrested, or e) all of the above” (see rule #6 that talks about slipping Viagra into a man’s drink to get him in the mood) The book is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek. And, as I’ve learned from writing a tongue-in-cheek blog, some people just don’t get tongue-in-cheek. If you don’t enjoy this kind of humor you might just find this book offensive. With chapters like “If You Don’t Know His Girlfriend, She’s Not Your Problem” the book does contain some questionable advice, hilarious but still questionable – the kind of advice that is best taken with a grain of salt and maybe a shot of vodka.

If you would like to win your very own copy of Girl’s Guide to Depravity, I have an extra copy to give away to a reader!

To win:

1) Like Skinny Dip on Facebook.

2) Leave a comment to this entry once you’ve done this & let me know why you’d like to win.

(If you already like Skinny Dip on FB, awesome!)

I’ll pick a winner at random on Monday June 18th. Good Luck! xox

And on that note, I’m off to watch episodes of A Girl’s Guide to Depravity in big, greedy helpings. 

8 Sexy, Fun, Totally Non-Cheesy, Bridal Shower Gifts

When I hit my mid-twenties and most of my friends started to get married, I was suddenly thrown into the new, strange world of Bachlorette Parties and Bridal Showers. I learned very quickly that Bachlorette Parties involve lots of things shaped like penises. I never understood  what wearing matching pink sombreros adorned with tiny, sparkly penises had to do with celebrating life-long matrimony, but that’s beside the point. When it was time to plan my friend’s Bachlorette party, I went with the equation I was familiar with, “Bachelorette = Penis” and during one last minute, frantic, after-work shopping shopping trip, I cleaned out my local sex shop‘s entire supply of penis shaped drinking straws. Worried that I might not fill the “Penis Quota” for the party, I may have also purchased some other things.

Smiling vacantly through the awkwardness. 

No comment.

I enjoy a crowd surfing blow-up doll as much as the next person, but I’m relieved that “as we have matured, the parties have matured with us.” The days of exploding penis cakes and tequila shots have been replaced with sexy lingerie showers, fine champagne & more champagne.

Even though most of my wedding related celebrations no longer involve me doing handless shots at the bar (this only happens when I go to Vegas for blogging conferences), I still find the gift giving process a little nerve wracking. For those of you who need a few gift ideas (or maybe just want to treat yourself!) I’ve perused the EdenFantasys website and put together a list of bridal shower gifts that are sexy, fun, non-cheesy and affordable (none of which resemble a penis!)

1. The Booty Parlor Intimacy Love Kit. ($24)

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

This cute and chic gift set from Booty Parlor, includes two vials (a scented massage oil and water based lube), condoms (just in case) and (gasp!) a vibrating cock ring. I have vague margarita-hazed memories of having a conversation with another blogger when I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, hailing the benefits of vibrating cock-rings. The bottom line of the discussion was, “You don’t just buy a vibrating cock-ring for him…you buy it for you.” Ideal for a romantic couples night, the Booty Parlor Intimacy Love Kit is a great introduction into the wonderful world of adult toys and sexual enhancement products. Plus, everything is wrapped up discretely in their signature black and pink packaging so it’s not obvious what’s inside.

2.  Coquette Mesh Thong with Lace Waist. ($8.99)

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

 

Last spring I attended my first lingerie shower. I noticed during the gift unwrapping that this style of thong was a huge hit! Buying underwear for someone else is tricky. If you buy something too small or too large, you risk making the person feel bad about themselves. This thong is great because it’s “one-size-fits-most”. The scalloped lace waistband is super stretchy and feels almost like you’re wearing nothing at all. I own a few pairs like this and I’m a big fan!

3. Light my Fire Massage Candle ($27.90)

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

A candle and a massage oil in one, The Light My Fire Massage Candle provides a relaxing and heavenly hot oil body massage experience, with the gentle scent of honey. Dribble some on your partner for massage or just enjoy burning it to set the mood. Made in France, the candle is 100% natural and preservative free (& comes wrapped up in fun, retro-inspired packaging!)

4.  Lelo Tantra Feather Teaser ($23.99)

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

No boudoir is complete without a luxurious feather teaser like this one by Lelo. Even if you don’t use it all the time, owning something like this just feels totally bad-ass. Lelo is known for it’s luxurious, high quality (& often very pricey) sex toys. At $23.99 you can give a little bit of luxury without breaking the bank. Also, this feather teaser is rated on as one of EdenFantasys “Top 10 Flogging Toys” (ha!)

5. Booty Parlor pin-up shorts ($19.49)

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

Also made by Booty Parlor, this comfy, booty flattering panty is perfect for anyone who is obsessed with all things vintage and burlesque. I kind of just want to put these on and perform my own burlesque show in my bedroom (even if no one is watching.)

6. Dona linen spraykissable body drizzle and body butter  ($8.99 – $11.99)

 

Redefine the bedroom. Give your linens and sheets a sensual touch. Superfruit and Aphrodisiac-infused. Spice up your boudoir with allure.Relax into a sultry mood with Dona light aphrodisiac infused oil blend that retains natural moisture of the skin.

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

I may be biased towards these products because the packaging looks very similar to the Skinny Dip branding, but what really sold me on Dona’s collection of body products is that they include  lots of natural ingredients and come in yummy fragrances like Mangosteen, Blue Lotus, Pomegranate, Acai and Camu Camu. Their linen spray, kissable body drizzle and body butter are all infused with aphrodisiacs to help set the mood.

7. Sex in the Shower Dual Shower Head  ($42.99) and Knee Pads.  ($9.99)

 

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

You know what sucks about shower sex? Getting cold! Unless you have one of those super giant shower heads (which most of us don’t), one of you always spends part of the sexy time freezing their butt off. The Sex in the Shower line has addressed this problem by creating a dual shower head, so you can focus on the sex and not on who’s turn it is to be under the water. Throw in a pair of their sexy knee pads (to prevent pesky “Tub Burn”) and you have a gift that is both sexy and practical. I would be totally psyched if someone bought me this. I’m being dead serious. No really, SOMEONE SHOULD BUY ME THIS.

8. Lelo Insignia Tiani 2 Couples Vibrator 

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

Giving someone a vibrator as a shower gift has always struck me as slightly awkward like, “So, since you’re getting married, you’re going to need this.” If you’re going to go that route, why not get something that the couple can both enjoy?!  The Lelo Insignia Tiani is a couple’s vibrator designed to be worn by the woman while making love (yes, you heard right!!) and includes a remote control that you can use to move through the different vibration settings. At $159, this is definitely a big ticket item however, I feel like with Lelo products you do get what you pay for. My Lelo Soraya is pretty much the. OMG. best. vibrator. ever. (review coming soon!)  I would definitely consider adding this to my collection or getting it for my best friend when she gets married. It seems like it would be a lot more fun than a new set of pots and pans.

What are your thoughts on good/bad bridal shower gifts?

This post was sponsored by Eden Fantasys. I was given a gift certificate to fund my on-going obsession with lingerie and sex toys in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own because that’s just how I roll.

 

Dona body butter - Body moisturizers - EdenFantasys
 

Living La Vida Senior Citizen

As I’ve mentioned before, there are several factors that make meeting people in Victoria difficult. First of all, there’s an exceptionally large population of Senior Citizens and Hipsters. The overabundance of white hair and flannel shirts often makes feel like you are living in the film Cocoon or an episode of Portlandia (or “Cocoon-Landia” – a scary hybrid of both) If you’re not looking to meet octogenarians, or someone who wears an excessive amount of plaid, your dating options are limited.

Welcome to Cocoon-Landia. Where fixed gear bikes and mobility scooters meet.

Added to that, it feels like I have already dated everyone  in this city . Plus, I also suspect some people might be under the false impression that I am not in fact female. As part of my on-going inquest into the Victoria singles scene, I’ve come up with a new theory as to why dating just hasn’t happened for me here:

I’m living the life of a Senior Citizen. 

Recent Vegas antics aside, since moving back here in November I have become a Golden Girls episode of one – minus all the pastel colored pantsuits.

How does one turn into an honorary Senior Citizen? Easy:

1. Move back in with your 63 year old mother, to a town, so full of retirees, it’s known as “Canada’s Jurassic Park”

2. Work from home so you can avoid making contact with people your own age.

3. Start planning your week around various Senior discount days.

Oh the discounts you get when you get older! Although getting older kind of sucks, you do get access to a lot of cheap stuff. (I’ve learned this while tagging along with my parents on their shopping trips.) This is how my week usually pans out:

MONDAY:  Monday is Senior’s discount night at one of the movie theaters in town, which means it’s usually the night I go to the movies with my Dad. Sure, Monday is an odd night to go see a movie, but to quote my Dad this weekend when I asked him if he wanted to go see The Five Year Engagement with me: “I don’t want to break the bank and pay $10 to go to a movie on Saturday when I can pay $5 to go on a Monday, Simone.” Because my Dad always pays, he makes the rules. Sometimes, my Dad’s friend Ron comes along. Having no kids of his own, I think he’s excited to hang out with anyone who isn’t a Senior Citizen. Plus, I think they enjoy having someone to answer their questions like “Simone, yesterday I heard someone say “that’s just cray!” Is that the same thing as saying something is the bomb?” It’s a WIN/WIN situation.

TUESDAY: Senior Discount Day at Value Village. 30% off! My Mom and I usually go to check this out together because we both love treasure hunting. She’ll pick up interesting finds for her vintage store while I usually find a Michael Kors blouse that someone has managed to pass over. We’ll often run into my Dad’s friend Ron who I suspect (like me) also craves human interaction.

WEDNESDAY: Coffee date with best friend. Catch up on emails that I neglected while doing Senior activities.

THURSDAY: ARGH, FOOT PAIN! Go to mall to shop for comfortable walking shoes. While there, see a display for the Victoria Cactus club – not the bar, the actual club that grows cactuses. Consider joining.

FRIDAY: Check out weekly Church rummage sale with my Mom.

If you’re looking to really get down with the Senior Citizen lifestyle, I would also suggest eating dinner early. Like, really, really early. There have been several times that my Mom have gone for dinner at 4:15 pm and you know what? It’s been awesome. I’m always super hungry around 4pm anyways so why not just have dinner? What are you waiting for?! Eating dinner early means I can feel less guilty later when I indulge in a snack while watching Seinfeld re-runs with my cat (this is how most of my nights play out in case you were wondering.)

Surrounded by fabulous bloggers at Chateau nightclub in Vegas. I look kind of confused in this photo like I'm thinking, "This is all familiar, yet unfamiliar. What am I supposed to do again? Oh right. Vodka and Red Bull, meet mouth. Repeat.

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This is What Happens When You Date Me

The other day I was downtown shopping, taking my new pair of mint colored J-Brand jeans for a test drive, when I looked at my phone and noticed there was a missed call from Handsome Guy  (we’ve been speaking regularly ever since I got back to BC). When I called him later that evening he said:

“I have a funny story for you Simone”

As you may remember, when Handsome Guy and I arrived at the airport so I could catch my flight to BC, we discovered that my two suitcases were massively overweight. We had to remove a bunch of stuff just so that I’d be able to check my bags. Being the stand-up kind of guy that he is, Handsome Guy agreed to take everything home, pack it all up and ship it out to me so that I wouldn’t be without “daily essentials” like my summer wedge sandals, my Veronica Mars DVD box sets and my favorite sex toys (including my rabbit vibrator, the Fonz & the Sienna Symphony – my favorite  G-spot vibrators and the infamous Lelo Ella aka “Super Dildo”)  It’s clear that even though we are still getting to know each other, this guy knows me well. 

Here’s the story as Handsome Guy explained it to me:

The other day when he was getting ready to leave the house & drop my things off to be shipped, he heard his phone vibrate. However, when he put down the box to check his phone he realized that the vibrations weren’t coming from his pocket, they were coming from the box. “That’s weird” he thought. He picked up the box and that’s when he felt the vibration again. What the hell? Was it possible that he had dropped his phone inside the box when he was packing it and now someone was trying to get in touch with him?! In a panic, Handsome Guy opened the box and began to tear the contents apart in search of whatever was making the noise.

At this point in the story I started to giggle uncontrollably.

“Oh, god! It was my adult toys right?!”

As it turns out, several of my favorite vibrators had decided to all start vibrating their little hearts out as some kind of weird send-off to Toronto.

“I’m sorry about that. That box basically contained a mini sex shop. However, I swore I removed all the batteries before I packed them away”

“I guess you didn’t because those things were definitely active. Don’t worry – I eventually managed to “deactivate” everything & turn them off”

“Oh crap. My Lelo Mona vibrator is in there. It doesn’t run on batteries. It’s like a cell phone and has it’s own charger. With a full charge that thing can vibrate for 4 hours or something. It’s crazy.”

“Wow, so basically it will be vibrating all the way to Winnipeg”

“Pretty much. That thing is nuts. I love my Lelo Mona

“Well, you don’t have to worry. Your lovely vibrating box is packed tight and is coming soon”

“Wow. That really doesn’t sound good”

“Nope. It really doesn’t”

“I think I need to blog about this”

***

LESSON TO BE LEARNED:  Ladies, always remember to remove the batteries from your sex toys (or let them charge down to zero) before you attempt to travel or have your new love interest send them cross country. Otherwise, you risk receiving a note like this from a TSA agent:

Vibrating suitcase = pervy note. I was not the recipient of this note however, I kind of wish I was just so I could take credit for story.

 HAPPY WEEKEND! xox

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys. I received a gift certificate to help fund my on-going addiction to luxury vibrators in exchange for this post. All opinions and awkward situations are my own. 

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store
 

Strawberry Condoms? Yes Please!

The internet is a wonderful place. As soon as I announced that I was looking for a company to help me make Skinny Dip Condoms, my inbox and Twitter were flooded with tips and recommendations. It wasn’t long before I was put in touch with the awesome people over at Lucky Bloke who kindly agreed to provide oodles of condoms for my sassy DIY project.

I’m really excited to be working with Lucky Bloke because I love what they are about: safe sex & doing good in the world. Their staff  are super sweet and came up with the perfect condom for Skinny Dip:

The Strawberry Glyde Ultra. 

(flavored with natural and organic fruit & nut extracts)

Yep, that’s right. Skinny Dip condoms will not only be pink, they’ll also taste and smell like Strawberries.

I could have asked for anything more perfect for my blog! I can’t wait to hand these out at #BiSC in May.

{FYI. When I spoke to Melissa from Lucky Bloke, she said you can actually smell the condoms through their wrappers….and she was right!  My home office smells pleasantly like a strawberry patch.}

The Strawberry Glyde Ultra is just one of the many varieties that Lucky Bloke carries. Lucky Bloke offers discreet, affordable international delivery of top-selling condoms and lubricants. It’s the ultimate condom subscription service! Remember back in the day when everyone joined the Columbia House Record Club and you’d get CDs sent to your house every month? Well, it’s sort of like that but way sexier. Instead of getting stuck with a bunch of Celine Dion and Bryan Adams albums you never wanted in the first place, Lucky Bloke lets you customize your order so that you only get the condoms and lube you want. They also ship everything in a discreet envelope so you never have to explain your purchase (unlike that time you tried to secretly order that NSYNC box set and everyone found out.) They also do individual orders if commitment isn’t your thing.

The best part about Lucky Bloke (besides the awesome selection of premium condoms & lube): they donate 10% of every sale to the Charity of your choice. Current choices include Clean Water, UNICEF and It Gets Better Project. It’s a win/win: have sex and save the world at the same time.

Lucky Bloke was sweet enough to also send a sampler package of condoms & lube just for me!

I’m particularly excited to try the Kimono Micro-Thin and the Night Light condom (which I have reason to believe is glow in the dark!) What’s also great – if I like any of these, I don’t have to worry about tracking them down at a specialty store. I can just order them through Lucky Bloke.

Now here’s the really good part:

Do you want access to your own free stash of top of the line condoms?!!

Lucky Bloke is looking for a few good men, and women to become official condom reviewers!

Yes, that’s right. Lucky Bloke.com  is looking for men, women, couples, college students, the newly single, you name it…to participate in the ultimate condom review. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves testing the world’s finest condoms – such as: Okamoto, Kimono, GLYDE, Billy Boy, RFSU, ONE, Lifestyles, Proper Attire, Trojan, and Durex – in the comfort and privacy of your own home, lover’s place, dorm, or office. You get to try the best condoms the world has to offer for FREE!

After you’ve taken the condoms for a test drive, let Lucky Bloke know what you think via easy multiple choice online questionnaires. It’s a pretty bad-ass gig and as a reviewer your identity will remain secret (Unless you choose to reveal your cover.)

Do you have what it takes to become a Lucky Bloke Secret Agent? If you love great sex and refuse to compromise on safety – AND want your feedback to rock the condom world – Lucky Bloke wants to hear from you. Please APPLY HERE!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Skinny Dip condoms that need to be assembled.

Thank you to Lucky Bloke for making my condom dreams come true!

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