Ask Simone | I Feel Like The Girl From “He’s Just Not That Into You”

Hello & welcome to another episode of Ask Simone where I attempt to answer your questions about sex, dating, relationships & other life stuff. Today’s question comes from K. in the USA.

Dear Simone, 

Ok since you write and are so wise about dating things – I have a question – though the answer is pretty obvious. I met a guy earlier this month (friend of a friend of a friend) and we hit it off the night we met. Really awesome conversation mixed with some old school dancing. Fast forward two weeks later and we go out on our first date. The conversation was awesome again, great back and forth no awkward pauses. We even got dessert. He paid. and offered to walk to me my car. We did the whole “thank you for coming” “thank you for dinner” hug conversation. Then I start backing away to my car…and then I’m like what the hell am I doing. So I walk toward him again, hug it out and then we stop look at each other and smooch. It was total PG stuff because we were in public. So, clearly he didn’t have to pay, walk me to my car or kiss me.

Then last week I texted him, “hey stranger want to grab drinks tomorrow?”  He was booked but said “maybe sometime next week could work” Awesome. I bounced the ball back in his court by asking him to let me know what works for him….annnnnd its been crickets ever since. I understand it’s a busy time for him, he’s leaving his current job to go back for his masters and he’s moving. So maybe he’s just busy. Simone, girl, I’m starting to feel like the girl from He’s Just Not That Into You. It’s pathetic.

-K

Oh, K. Thank you for saying that I am wise even though I don’t really think it’s true! Like you, I’m just trying to figure out all this dating stuff. First of all, let me just say that having read the book and watched the movie (don’t judge me), you are nothing like the ladies in He’s Just Not That Into You because most of those chicks were crazy.  You’re not a crazy. I’ve met you in person I know that you are a smart, sassy, gorgeous woman.

I understand how this situation can be confusing. I’ve been there. Many, many times. It’s so rare that I actually meet someone I’m attracted to. When it happens, I tend to get really excited and I sometimes let extreme optimism get the best of me. There’s nothing wrong with being optimistic, it’s just that sometimes when you want something to work out, you miss certain signals – or at least I do. For example, when I was dating Fitness Guy I wanted things to work out so badly that I think I ignored a bunch of signs that he just wasn’t that into me. It took (literally) being left on the side of the road for it to sink in that the dude wasn’t in it for the long haul. Although I’m getting better at reading people’s signals, it’s a process.

Because of this, I thought it would be fun and helpful to get a male’s perspective on your situation. Luckily I was able to track down my colleague John Drake for a comment. John and I are both Sex Files columnists at Sun Media. As a fellow writer, motorcycle enthusiast and single-man-about-town, I thought John would be the perfect person to ask about this. Here are his thoughts on your situation:

“I’ve been there, it can definitely be frustrating. I’m sure they got along well and perhaps they hit it off but I’m guessing if he hasn’t taken the time to even respond to a text that he didn’t feel sparks flying.

It’s not like he’s being coy or ambiguous – not responding at all is a pretty clear message. Generally if a guy is into you, you don’t have to ask yourself if he’s into you…

Maybe he’ll message in a week saying his grandma died or his dog was in a coma but if I were her I’d move on.

Thanks for sharing John! For more dating tidbits & advice from a guy who knows how to rock a fedora, follow John on Twitter @john_d_drake or read his columns here.

Although it’s probably not what you want to hear, I agree with John. Unless something super serious has happened to this guy, I’d let this one go for now. When I’m interested in someone, I want to hang out with them and make plans as soon as possible – even if I’m super busy. For example, years ago I was seeing this one guy. We’d text often and it was always very flirtatious (bordering on obscene). It was during one of these marathon texting conversations that I asked him, “Where are you right now?” and he replied, “At my grandpa’s funeral” Ok, so clearly this revelation signals BIGGER ISSUES (like, why was even thinking of sexy times with me at a funeral?!) but it goes to show that if a guy wants to contact you he will (even if it’s wildly inappropriate)

As I was reading John’s response,  Joe the Intern took a break from his afternoon push-ups to come over and ask whether he’d be able to contribute his opinion to this post. Since Joe is also single (Yes, ladies. You read that right!) I figured one more opinion couldn’t hurt.

Thanks for sharing Joe! These kinds of situations are hard and I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I’ve gone out with people like The Chef  that I had so much fun with, but there just wasn’t the right spark (and the situation ended in hurt feelings.) I’ve also dated people who clearly weren’t as into me as I was into them. Unfortunately you can’t know what people are thinking or control their behaviour, all you can do is control your reaction to it. Taking a page from Joe the Intern, remember that you are awesome. If someone doesn’t appreciate that from the get-go, then they were never the right person to begin with. In other words, don’t waste the pretty.

I hope that helps!

Love,

S.

Did I miss anything? What advice would you give K.?

Got a question for me? Send it here!

Ask Simone | Can Using a Vibrator Make it Harder to Orgasm During Sex?

Not sure what vibrator to choose? Got a relationship or dating question that’s keeping you up at night? I recently put it out there that I’d love to answer your sex, dating, relationship questions. The exciting news? Some of you actually sent questions for me to answer. Yay!

Here’s a question I received this week –

Hey Simone!

Your most recent post made me think of a question that I would love for you to address on your blog. Do you think it’s possible that using a vibrator (and thus becoming used to achieving orgasm by means of something that can never be replicated by a penis) can somehow make it harder to orgasm during sex? I don’t have sex super often (sadly!) but when I do I find it next to impossible to get off. Since I’m super used to my rabbit-style vibrator, I’m wondering if I’m somehow getting my body so used to one thing that another thing (i.e. a penis that is definitely not going to vibrate) just isn’t going to do it for me. Or am I just generally difficult to please? Thanks!

A

Dear A,

First of all, I just wanted to say congrats on taking your pleasure into your own hands – literally! I truly believe that we need to know how to pleasure ourselves before we can expect someone else to do the same. However, with that said, I totally understand how frustrating it must be to not be able to have an orgasm with a partner.

As I mentioned to you in my response, when I first received your message I wasn’t sure how to answer. A panic button in my head immediately went off: “Is it possible that my love of sex toys is actually hurting my sex life rather than helping it?! Omg, what if it is?!” I wasn’t sure how to answer your question so I turned to Dr. Trina Read for some professional insight.

Dr. Read explained to me that what you’re going through is actually pretty common. As she explains, “Vibrators make orgasms quick and intense; once a person becomes accustomed to that feeling it can be difficult to achieve orgasm with manual stimulation. Especially during intercourse.”  There’s no scientific evidence that suggests that you can become addicted to your vibrator, however some people do become mentally reliant on the instant gratification that a vibrator provides. When this happens, it’s just a question of training/re-training your body to enjoy other sensations too.

I think the first step is recognizing the difference in sensation between a vibrator orgasm and a manual orgasm because as you mentioned, a penis (or a hand, or lips for that matter) don’t vibrate. Here’s a few things you can do to mix things up:

– Whether it’s stepping away from your iPhone or putting your rabbit away for awhile, there’s definitely something to be said about “unplugging” and getting back to basics. Give your rabbit a break for awhile and instead try to have an orgasm the old fashioned way, by using your fingers. You may even remember how pleasurable exploring your body in this way can be.

-If you’d like to use a toy, try something that offers a different sensation. For example, you could try something like the Sqweel Wheel Oral Sex Simulator. I’ve nicknamed this toy “The Tiny Wheel of Tongues” because that’s basically what it is. Instead of vibrations, The Sqweel has a wheel of soft, tongue-like spokes that rotate and simulate fairly accurately the experience of a partner’s tongue during oral sex. It generally takes me longer to orgasm while using this toy but the sensation is much closer to what it feels like when I’m actually with a partner.

the-sqweel-wheel-oral-sex-simulator

Another option is to invest in a good quality dildo like the Lelo Ella that’s designed to help you discover and stimulate your g-spot. G-spot orgasms feel slightly different than clitoral orgasms. Move the toy inside you and discover what feels good (you can also do this by just turning off your rabbit and inserting the shaft.) In my personal experience, once I figured out where my g-spot was and started to stimulate it regularly, I became much more aware of it during partner sex and it became easier to have internal orgasms. You could also try using a set of Ben Wa balls like the Lelo Pleasure Beads to help strengthen your vaginal muscles (which can lead to more powerful orgasms)

I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone hon. I love my Lelo Soraya like nobody’s business but even I sometimes have problems having a vaginal orgasm with a partner. Truth be told, most woman need to have some clitoral stimulation during intercourse to get off. I usually orgasm really easily through oral sex or finger stimulation, but when it comes to straight penis in vagina sex, sometimes the orgasm just doesn’t happen. This is especially true when I’m with a new partner. During the 6-years I was with my ex-partner we got to the point where we knew each other’s bodies so well that I knew exactly which positions would help me have an orgasm (being on top is basically a sure-shot for me. Always has been) With that said, getting to that point took time, patience and trust.

Now that I’m single, I’m remembering what it’s like to get to know someone from scratch and it’s a different story. Sometimes you’re  just not sexually compatible with the person you’re having sex with and no matter what they do, you’re not going to get off. Other times you’re so attracted to someone and it’s hot and thrilling, but you still are getting to know their body & how you fit together. I’ve experienced both scenarios over the past year.

You mentioned in your letter that you don’t have sex that often so I’m guessing that you’re not in a long term committed relationship. If this is the case, my guess is that once you do find someone you click with and trust (trust is huge) you’ll be able to work through the orgasm issue together. I’m fully confident that you can have earth shaking orgasms with a partner, it just might take some time, patience, and lots of naked sexy time to figure it out. In the mean time, have fun experimenting and exploring on your own.

By the way – if it’s vibrations you seek, you might really enjoy a vibrating toy that can be used with a partner like the We-Vibe or the Lelo Tor.

I really hope these tips help. Remember, you’re not hard to please. You’re just a normal woman who knows what she wants.

Love & Hugs,

Simone

What do you think – Did I miss anything? What advice would you give?

Got a question about sex, dating, relationships or sexy products?! Send it on over! I’ll do my best to answer it, or  at the very least, find someone who can. 

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