I think its part of human nature to want what we can’t have.
There have definitely been times in the past where I have fallen for guys who were clearly unavailable. One or two instances in particular really stand out for me.
The relationships would always start with us being friends. We’d hook up, he’d run, I’d chase. I’d try and be his friend and try to get closer before he’d push me away again. Push, Pull, one step forwards, ten steps backwards. Although I always dated other people in between, I kept on allowing myself to get pulled back into these kinds of situations because I was addicted to the drama. With one of these guys, this pattern went on for about 6 years (from the time I was 18-24). I always wrote the relationship off as “It’s just complicated”. But in truth, the only thing that was “complicated” about it was that he didn’t really want to be with me (at least not the way I wanted him to be) and I just didn’t see it. I kept running towards him as he kept running away.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my relationships so I’m not sure I’m qualified to give other people advice (or maybe that makes me more qualified. I haven’t quite figured that out yet). But I’ll share with you the best advice other people have given me:
1) “Don’t make someone a Priority so you can be their Option”
I’m not even sure where I heard this quote but, I have since passed it on to many friends because its very relevant. At the risk of sounding like a page out of He’s Just Not that Into you:
If someone is interested in you they will make it known. Trust me. They will call, they will email, text, whatever. It will be obvious.
If the person isn’t calling you, texting you, emailing you, facebooking you, IM’ing you, or it seems like they are literally missing in action, then most likely they are not interested. At least not enough to make an effort. They are probably off talking to, dating or sleeping with other people. You should do the same.
If I haven’t made this clear enough, READ THIS.
With that said, as much as I am in favor of getting out there, and “keeping things moving”, don’t make dating and relationships the focus of your whole life.
“Build a happy, full life for yourself on your own terms. Eventually you will attract a person who has done the same. Then you can share your happy lives together” -My Mom
Work on you. Learn about yourself. Sort out your issues. Fill your life with people who are a positive influence . Surround yourself with things that make you happy. Contrary to what chick flicks & chick lit would like us to believe, falling in love doesn’t magically fix all your problems. A relationship isn’t going to fill the void if other things are missing in your life or you don’t feel good about yourself.
So, get out there, live your life, do exciting things, take classes, volunteer. You’ll have more to bring to the table when you actually do meet someone.
“Don’t Settle for Second Best” -Madonna
If the relationship isn’t providing with what you need, if you want more, if this person makes you feel sad more than happy: cut your losses and walk away. It’s always better to be alone than to settle for something that is half-assed or potentially damaging to your self-worth. You’ll feel better about yourself for making this choice.
You can’t make people love you. Or even like you. And if you feel like you’re always chasing someone, then this probably isn’t the right person for you.
The right person won’t waste time running. They will open their arms and welcome you. It happened to me.
What’s the best advice someone has given you?