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My Life: The Freakshow

If you’ve been reading my facebook updates lately, you might have noticed that the last few weeks of my twenties have been a whole clusterfuck of weird “interesting”. Observe:

I didn’t even get around to updating about the drunk guy in the Union Station Harvey’s who called my friends and I “assholes” for no apparent reason, the old man who made kissy noises at me as I walked by him the other night, the Silent Bob doppelganger I saw fondling women’s underwear in a suburban Ohio Target or the guy with the black eye who winked at me the other day in Taco Bell. (Sidebar: all of this stuff happened by accident however, if you’re ever looking to meet weirdos on purpose, I highly recommend the Taco-Bell near my house. Total weirdsies). I never mentioned any of it because I was afraid people would think “This girl has to be making stuff up. I mean no one’s life is really this weird…right?”

After two weeks of being chased by crackheads, witnessing Jerry Springer style antics on public transit and being insulted by the intoxicated and the mentally unhinged, I realized that maybe this blog is slightly misleading. My weird experiences aren’t just confined to the realm of sex and dating. Sure, I sometimes find myself having super awkward conversations about my vajayjay with perfect strangers, I’ve been flashed way more than I’d like to admit and I accidentally discovered my ex-boyfriend performing in a drag show. But, that’s all just the tip of the iceberg. Weird things happen to me all the time.

I seem to attract crackheads, the mentally unstable, Jesus Freaks looking for new converts, sketchy “modeling agents” who just want you to “come over to their condo” (however, this hasn’t happened that much now that I am over the age of 19), the indecently exposed, your garden variety selection of perverts and I’m pretty sure when I was in Italy I almost got sold into the white slave trade (now that’s a good story). In a nutshell, my life is a walking freak-show.

People in my life have attempted to explain this phenomena:

“You have these big bright blue eyes that shine like a beacon to weirdos everywhere. They literally can’t help themselves” – my friend T.

“I’m sure that this kind of stuff happens to everyone, its just that most people don’t have an entertaining way of expressing it” – Amy

A few years ago my friend Ula and I were out for a walk. We passed a group of guys who made farting noises & obscene hand gestures as we walked by. She said to me “Did you see those guys?!!” but, the truth was I barely noticed. Then, she went on to say “This kind of stuff only happens to me when I’m around you”

Even the Urban Dictionary agrees that I am a weirdo-magnet….

(and apparently I have a totally bangable ass….sweet!)

Is it possible that all of this weird stuff is happening NOW because my thirties are going to be really…

normal? Is the “weird” going to disappear when I cross into a new decade? I hope not. Even though I hate having to call 911 from time to time, I’ve come to rely on the “weird” that seems to be a constant in my life. Without my knack for attracting bizarre situations, I’d have nothing to write about and I’m sure my life would be pretty boring. So, thank you universe for always keeping my life interesting.

I’ve accepted that I am a weirdo magnet & probably always will be.

I thought I would have all these deep, revelatory things to write about now that my 30th birthday is almost here but, really, that’s all I’ve got figured out so far.

That, and maybe I should invest in some self-defense classes or a set of throwing stars or something.

Are there any fellow weirdo magnets out there?!

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