Music Guaranteed to Kill the Mood on Valentine’s Day

I realize that not all of you love Valentines Day like I do, so I’ve come up with an “Anti-Valentine’s Day Soundtrack” – a small collection of songs that are so comically disturbing & un-romantic that they are guaranteed to kill the mood or, at the very least make you laugh.

1. Some Cut by Trillville (otherwise known as the “Juggle My Balls” song)

The first time my friend Jean played me this song, I laughed so hard that I dumped a full glass of Merlot on her light colored sofa. I’m still sorry about her couch but oh so grateful she introduced me to this doozy of a hip hop track. Whenever I feel those unwanted romantic feelings of longing coming on, I play this song to snap me back to reality. I’m sure every girl dreams of being serenaded by poetry like this: “Well, give me you number and I’ll call. And I’ll follow that ass in the mall. Take you home, let you juggle my balls” Ah, the sound of modern romance! A song that begins with the sound of a squeaking bed and endorses both stalking & tea-bagging. It doesn’t get any better than this people. Try and count how many times the word “balls” is mentioned in this song. I dare you.

2. Pregnant by R-Kelly.

Ironically, I think this song is meant to set the mood but I think I speak for most women here when I say there is nothing more nightmare inducing than hearing R-Kelly repeatedly say that he wants to knock you up. This dude really, really, wants to get you pregnant. He wants to: “Lay your body down and get you pregnant. Knock you up, pregnant, Knock you up” Geez, R-Kelly – that sounds more like a threat! If the bearing the offspring of R-Kelly doesn’t send creepy shudders throughout your body, these lyrics should:

She’s more than a mistress. Enough to handle my buisness. Now put that girl in my kitchen” (Oh yeah, as if bearing his spawn wasn’t bad enough, R-Kelly also wants you to cook for him. Neat!)

Now I ain’t got nothing to do tonight. I gotta wait for my crew. I just wanna put some in you” (Ewwww)

“You make me wanna a baby. Put them pills on chill” (Yes, stop with that birth control! R-Kelly orders you!)

R Kelly also wants to remind you, if you do get knocked up it’s all your fault because you look so good & he’s “thirsting for that booty” which “makes it feel like wood” (Oh man, the romance is killing me!)

Don’t get it twisted for 30 some weeks. I’m still going to hit it.” (Don’t worry Ladies, when he finally gets you pregnant he will still try and get you pregnant even after you’re pregnant.)

Let the collective screaming begin. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

3. Snatch my Cat Back by Khia.

Khia proves that it’s not just guys who can get disgusting. I played this for a friend a few years ago and their response was “My ears feel violated. Hold me” This song has raunchy lyrics, one of the worst videos known to man yet, still manages to be strangely catchy & relateable. What girl hasn’t slept with some dude who rocked her world then turned out to be such a douche-nozzle, that she wanted to “snatch her cat back”?! If this song had it’s own drinking game it would go something like this:

  •  Take one shot if you think the real title of this video should be “Snatch the Bra Back”
  • Take another shot every time you hear Khia say the word “pussy” or “drill”
  • Take two shots every time this song makes you feel uncomfortable. Oh wait, that’s the whole video! My bad*

*This is a great game to play if you want to spend Valentine’s Day at the emergency ward getting your stomach pumped.

4. “I Used to Love Her (But I had to Kill Her)” Guns N’ Roses.

If all else fails and you’re still feeling the romance, how about listening to a song that endorses violence against women?! I’m really, really hoping that the lyrics are meant to be a metaphor….for something. Because even Axl Rose’s long swaying locks can’t stop this song from being totally disturbing.

Now that we’re all pleasantly disturbed, Happy Valentine’s Day!

Other reader suggestions for killing the romance include: 

  • I Hate Everything About You – Ugly Kid Joe
  • Caught Out There (I Hate You So Much Right Now) – Kelis
  • Who Let the Dogs Out? – Baha Men
  • Short Dick Man – Gillette
  • Hakuna Matata – Lion King
  • Smack that Bitch Up – Prodigy
  • Anything by Too Short, Lil’ Kim or Easy E.

What’s your favorite un-romantic song?

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