I feel like the Universe is trying to make it painfully obvious that I’m in some kind of rut. We’re approaching the 6 month mark on my online dating hiatus and I’m starting to get the itch to put myself out there again. From bizarre bar-room pick-ups to getting hit on by the over 60 set, in September I was definitely putting out a vibe that was attracting (albeit unsuitable) members of the opposite sex. However, something has shifted and whatever energy I’m sending out is decidedly different this month.
Last week an elderly woman stopped me in the middle of the sidewalk to discuss the rising price of cat food. To add insult to injury, Amazon has emailed me three times in the past month suggesting I purchase this – a glaring reminder that the only “men” I’ve spent time with lately are 12 inches tall and made of plastic (either that, or Joe the Intern has been shopping on Amazon for new “friends” when I’m not around.) Either way, things are getting weird around here – more so than usual.
It seemed only appropriate that this week another copy of The Added Touch (aka “Spinsters ‘R’ Us“) arrived on my doorstep. If you’re new here, I received this same catalog last year. Inside I found a wide selection of libido killing nightwear, cat trinkets and the world’s saddest coffee mug – all of which were documented on the blog.
Well, The Added Touch is back with more Amish-like “party dresses”, body camouflaging sleepwear and other ingenious items that are guaranteed to repel potential suitors. Here are a few of my favourites –
Are all those shapeless muumuus you bought from last year’s catalogue feeling a bit breezy? What you need is something equally as figure obscuring, but in a two-piece pant suit. Love your Snuggie and have a Smurf fetish? Why not try this blue fuzzy lounge set? Just don’t be surprised if you get this stuck in head when
you’re writing this post wearing it. If velour isn’t your thing, there’s also these fantastic two-tone track suits – perfect for a light jog or joining the Heaven’s Gate Cult. Last but not least, if you’re looking some something a little dressier, why not grab a pair of these elasticized waist, sexuality neutralizing, corduroy pants. Apparently you can wear them with your favourite pair of cowboy boots. I mean, why wouldn’t you?
Any of these outfits would look great paired with this red “Hoodie Dickie.” Inspired by Eminem circa the movie 8 Mile and Little Red Riding Hood, this convenient hood gives you all the warmth and comfort of an actual hoodie but without the bulk. Sorry ladies, the Psalms of David book is sold separately.
Speed up the insanity process with a mug that makes you think you’re living with a bunch of cats, even when you’re not. Meow?
There will be no horsing around in your bedroom with this nightlight….
I’m single and have bad feet but luckily, there are lots of fun socks available to cheer me up. The catalog says “Ahhh…socks”, Simone says “Ahhh…celibacy!”
If you’re “Pawsitively Exhuausted” by the dating scene, you need to get this nightshirt immediately. Why? Because nothing says sexy like references to chronic fatigue and melancholy felines. Just looking at this shirt makes me want to double up on my antidepressants.
You can wear all of this gear while watching back to back episodes of the Snoop Sisters – a TV show you wish was about a West Coast rap group from the 1990’s, but sadly isn’t. Magnify glass for reading the small print not included.
FYI, the Snoop Sisters stars Vincent Price as the male lead. Yes, Vincent Price – exactly the kind of guy you want to spend long lonely nights with.
Fear not, should anything go wrong you’ve already had the foresight to purchase THIS. Not exactly the kind of “Adventure Tool” I was hoping for, but still very useful. This all-in-one tool is a flashlight, a whistle, a compass, a magnify glass, a mirror, a thermometer and it even has a dry storage area for your insanity medication. In other words, it’s perfect for those times when you’ve fallen off your chair during a Vincent Price marathon and your medical alarm bracelet fails you. Good times!
And of course, the Added Touch has your back when it comes to all things to do with CATS, CATS AND MORE CATS.
Last but not least, you can scare away any potential male visitors with this guy, who might I add, has been haunting my dreams all week. Shudder.
*FYI, as soon as I finished this post I promptly got on my phone and made plans for this weekend that will hopefully involve lots of vodka and dancing….but mostly vodka. Desperate times call for desperate measures.