A few weeks ago, when everything started to change in my life, I came to a few startling revelations:
1) All of the buttons were popping off all of my winter coats. Everything needs dry-cleaning. I didn’t even have a normal coat to wear to drop off the messed up coats. I wore two sweaters instead.
2) Almost every pair of my everyday (read: flat) shoes are in a state of total dis-repair: missing heels, walked down heels, broken straps etc. I consoled myself by saying “It’s OK, I always have the black boots” (my favorite pair of black riding boots that I walked all over NYC with & have survived four Canadian winters). That’s until I looked down at my feet and noticed a giant hole in the hole in the toe. How did I not notice this until now? Wait, why is my foot bleeding through my sock?
3) My feet hurt. All the time. Most of my flat shoes make my feet cramp & with every step this horrible electric current feeling shoots up my leg. This has been getting worse over the past year but I haven’t done anything about it. I have no idea why.
4) On the flip-side, I have a brand new Alexander Wang blouse hanging in my closet with all of the tags still on. I haven’t worn it because there is a small dirt mark and it needs to get dry cleaned first. I’ve had this blouse since June.
5) I can’t remember the last time I visited the dentist however, I do remember the dentist asking me if I would “like to visit the toy cupboard” after he finished cleaning my teeth. This doesn’t necessarily mean anything because (wait for it…wait for it) I still go to the same Children’s dentist I’ve been going to since I was eight – which I realize adds a whole new layer of dysfunction to this scenario. My dentist has murals of Disney characters on the walls and Spongebob Squarepants playing on flat screens all over the office. Add in some laughing gas and it basically feels like one giant acid trip. During my last appointment, I got chatted up by a seven year old boy, who looked me over, scrunched up his face and said “You’re big! Why are you here?” All reasons why I’ve been avoiding going back.
I’m basically a walking personal disaster and one step away from wearing a bathing suit as underwear.
I was explaining this whole scenario to someone close to me and they said: “This is all a physical manifestation of the break-up and everything that has been going on in your life” then, they grabbed my hands from across the table and said “You need to love yourself more Simone”
It’s true. I do.
But, how do you start loving yourself again after you’ve neglected so many things for so long?
Last week I was pondering this question while at my new makeshift office (Starbucks). I was having a particularly Humpty-Dumpty-ish morning. I woke up feeling broken like my guts were all raw & yokey & splayed out for everyone to see. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.
I was getting ready to plug in my lap-top cord (the battery bit the dust about 10 months ago – another thing on my laundry list of things that have fallen to the wayside) when the girl next to me grabbed the end of my cord and said “Here, let me!” before plugging it into the wall. The next day, I went back to the same Starbucks and a man offered to do the same thing. This made me smile.
Even when times are tough & everything feels raw and scary and like nothing will ever feel comfortable again, the Universe will give you the tools to help you cope. It’s like Mick Jagger sang: “You can’t always get what you want. And, if you try sometime, you get what you need”
Help arrives in the form of:
A small purple bedroom that’s all yours that comes with a lovely room-mate who accompanies you as you move all of your stuff out of your old place (The place that once belonged to two people) and helps dry your eyes as you literally close the door on your old life – the one that seemed picture perfect but, really wasn’t. Kindhearted souls who see you for who you really are, remind you that you are going to be OK but know that you can’t do it all your own so, they come over to put together your Ikea furniture, never asking for anything in return. Best friends who listen to your emo-meltdowns, feed you when you forget to eat and make you laugh.
When I told Ange about the demise of my black boots, she said “Here, take these.” and reached into her closet, pulled out a fantastic pair of black boots that she no longer wears and handed them to me.
When I told my friend’s husband that I really liked one of the side tables in their living room (it was the exact item I needed to complete my new bedroom set up) he said “Take it. I’m throwing it out anyways”
You get what you need.
I’m still trying to figure out this “loving yourself” thing however, this is my strategy so far: Fixed what can be fixed and get rid of whatever is broken, stained, torn or just doesn’t make any sense to keep in my life anymore. Make those doctor appointments, dentist appointments, chiropractor appointments, orthotic fitting appointments (all things I did this morning!) Accept the love that is all around me. I’m hoping if I do these things, I’ll eventually be able to fix myself. This is why I’m in BC at my Mom’s house – because I feel like this is the place where I can make these things happen.
This process also might include buying this print:
I think it’s going to look perfect in my new bedroom.
How do you love yourself?