Last week will always be known as “that time my sister and I watched 11.25 hours of 90210 re-runs“. Say what you will – It was not a waste of time because 90210 is full of little nuggets of wisdom and life advice. Real deep stuff people. Real deep.
Because I learned so much during these 11+ hours, I now feel its my responsibility to pass some of this knowledge on to you my dear Skinny Dippers:
1. If someone asks you if you want to go hang out in an “abandoned parking lot behind a boarded up elementary school“, JUST SAY NO. It will only lead to bad things like having your Corvette stolen or everyone thinking you’re a complete moron.
2. When you hear Kenny G style saxophones playing in the background it means someone is going to be getting some…
…..unless your name is David Silver.
3. High waisted jean shorts (at least the original version) are a good look for…absolutely no one.
4. On 90210 it’s impossible to be both smart and “attractive” to the opposite sex…. unless of course, you are Brandon Walsh. The trade off here is that you are short, have a tendency to go on shrill, preachy, moralistic rants and are prone to occasionally racially profiling your classmates. Bummer!
5. If you are a smart girl you must wear glasses. And have frizzy hair. And wear unflattering clothing. If your friends are wearing body con dresses and crop tops make sure you wear something vaguely Amish looking like a dress shirt buttoned up to your chin. If your friends are wearing bikinis make sure you wear shorts and a pirate-esque top with sleeves. Make lots of pseudo feminist comments so your classmates have something to roll their eyes at. No one will ever compliment you on your intellect but, the day you take your glasses off people will say stuff like “We never realized you were pretty“. You won’t even notice how condescending this is because you’re just so thrilled someone noticed you exist*
(*As someone who basically WAS Andrea Zuckerman in Junior High, I can say this is true)
6. Brenda’s hair is just as awesome today as it was the first time around. I can totally picture her blending with all the Hipsters on Ossington Ave. Can’t you?
7. Sibling Rivalry is a bitch. Literally. If you are lucky enough to be both moderately smart AND attractive you will also be afflicted with a bad case of sibling rivalry angst. To get noticed you’ll have to run away from home or get caught shop lifting or decide you want to be a stand-up comedienne/slam poet. You’ll feel like “no one understands you” and you’ll go on rants that make you sound like the second coming of Jan Brady. “BRANDON. BRANDON. BRANDON! UGH!”
8. In 2001, I rejected a guy because it bothered me that he talked and dressed exactly like Brandon Walsh. Thanks 90210 for reminding me that this was a good decision.
9. Ian Ziering’s hair lives in my nightmares. It frightens me. Why is it almost the exact same color as his skin?! My sister’s straight faced answer: “I think he’s an albino who is wearing contact lenses for the show” *
(*My sister provides the best running commentary on 90210. Watching the show without her is not nearly as much fun. Ian Ziering, you scare me.)
10. Sure, the fact that you live in 90210 probably means that you are fairly privileged. However, it also means that during the course of a season you might get date raped, get hooked on steroids, get hooked on cocaine, date someone who is hooked on cocaine, start doing heroin, have a car accident, get hooked on diet pills, get date raped again, start dating someone who is doing heroin, get knocked up, see your parent hooked on cocaine, have your parent get knocked up, fall off the wagon, see Color Me Badd, develop an eating disorder or be cursed with Ian Zierings hair. With the exception of seeing Color Me Badd live there is absolutely no reason to envy these people.
Now that I have dropped all of this 90210 knowledge on you, go forth and enjoy the long weekend.
