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I Think My Family Needs their Own Sitcom

I’ve been home on the West Coast for a little over two weeks. Being home is both weird and good. Here are a few quick observations:

1) The more things change in the rest of the world, the more things stay the same in my hometown. I’m now working out at the same recreational facility I went to for swimming classes as a child. The change-rooms look and smell identical to how they did in 1985. Yesterday while at the chiropractor, I saw the secretary of my elementary school. I only recognized her because she also looks identical to how she looked in 1985. This has lead me to believe that my town actually has some weird Cocoon thing going on where elderly people & the places they frequent are magically rejuvenated so that nothing or no one ages past the time when Cocoon, the movie (1985) first hit theaters.

2) My sleepy seaside town has more coffee shops per capita than I ever thought possible. Our main drag has taken to imitating Vancouver’s Robson St and have somehow allowed one Starbucks to open right across from another Starbucks. This is real people! This stuff happens! (but only in the Pacific Northwest) All of the coffee shops in the downtown are busy all the time yet no one seems to be particularly alert. This could be because everyone is stoned. This is actually a likely prognosis and would explain the large number of white guys with dreadlocks here (MEN OF VICTORIA, IS THERE A HAIRBRUSH SHORTAGE? WHY DO YOU ALL LOOK LIKE JUSTIN BOBBY? BUT, HEY, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME WHY I SCRATCHED OFF “DATING IN VICTORIA” OFF MY TO-DO LIST YEARS AGO – Sincerely, Simone)

Cloned and looking sad at a coffee shop near you.

3) I’ve been trying to stay busy. Last night I went to go hear one of my favorite authors, Chuck Palahniuk read from his new book. It was fun & inspirational & he signed my book & gave out free chocolate bars. I’ve also taken to writing down things my family says on a daily basis. I always said I’d never blog about my family but these people are pretty entertaining. Here are my favorite quotes from the past two weeks:

My Mom on J-Kwon’s song “Tipsy”

“Tipsy just doesn’t sound right. That sounds like something that would happen at an afternoon church picnic like if someone started making Daiquiris. Not while people are…”

“I think the term you’re looking for Mom is…getting crunk”

“I thought that was a dance”

My Grandma responding to my Mom’s jokes about the “Love Shack” – our local sex shop located in a strip mall off of the highway:

“Don’t make fun of it Janis. Those products have helped a lot of people”


My mom on kinky sexual practices:

“I went to Google BC Ferries to get the updated sailing schedule but I wasn’t wearing my glasses so instead I got a bunch of listings for BC Furries. Boy, there are a lot of people into that!”

My Grandma on Sex:

“Sex…it’s not all it’s cracked up to be”

(Once again, I’m not sure what she’s talking about here & I’m not sure I want to know)

In the movie of my life I'd want Betty White to play my totally badass Grandma.

A confusing conversation that occurred between me, my sister, her gay best friend & my Mom. I’ll let you guys try and guess who said what:

“Remember that really manly looking female janitor we had in elementary school?”

“Yes! Marla”

“Marla used to be Martin”

“No-way. Are you sure? I thought she was a lesbian. Did you see her shoes?”

“I thought that was a man”


“She was always wearing coveralls. It’s hard to tell what’s going on under those things”

“What’s for lunch?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you should make your own lunch”

“I heard she/he used to be a basketball star before she became Marla. She was a really great electrician”

“Freaking trannies always stealing my thunder”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“Lunch. What’s going on with lunch?”

“I think the proper word is transgender”

“Is it? That just doesn’t sound right”

“Judging by how she rocked those coveralls, I’d say she was more transjanitor

And, now you’ve met the people I’ll be spending the holidays with. These people are fabulous. Someone get them their own show!

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