Some things are just too terrible not to share. Like, when you find out there’s a company making padded jeans for men.
Last week, my magazine editor & travel blogging friend Abby posted on Facebook that she’d just received a 4 page press release about the “Hot Child Junk” – “the first anatomically designed jeans with a man’s junk in mind” that features a built in “cod-piece” intended to accent said, “junk.”
I immediately messaged Abby something like “OMG, MUST SEE THIS.” After all, as a blogger who regularly receives bizarre press releases, (i.e. the publisher who wanted to send me a copy of a coffee table book called “101 Vaginas” – which, in case you were wondering is exactly what it sounds like), it seemed like a huge cosmic oversight that they had sent the press release to Abby and not me.
Being the good friend that she is and recognizing blogging gold when she sees it, Abby scanned the press release and sent it right over. Now that I’ve actually stopped laughing hysterically and simultaneously shuddering long enough to catch my breath, I present to you the terrifying denim line that is “Hot Child Junk”
Disclaimer: Brace yourself. This is not for the faint of heart.
For all the guys out there, looking to “enhance your package” with a pair of padded jeans, “The Hot Child Junk” line (aka “T.H.C”) is the line for you. The Hot Child wants you to know that they are a “bad ass new brand” with “big balls” that “breaks rules, pushes boundaries and looks damn sexy doing it.” Packed and loaded with plenty of nut-sack puns, overt drug references and a heck of a lot of padding, “T.H.C” wants you to know that they are “straight dope” and poised to take fashion “to a new high”
(This is all taken from the worst press release ever their press release. I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up.)
“The Hot Child will introduce an 18-piece collection that combines classic American style with fashion-forward design to create clothes that embody a seamless blend of apparent contradictions“
“Undoubtedly, the most shocking item in the T.H.C. line, is the FIRST anatomically-designed, open, button-fly jeans with a built-in codpiece. Yes, you read that right – “codpiece.” (No insert, no hard plastic, just soft as silk, you and the denim.) They’re called The Hot Child Junk.”
When I forwarded the press release to my male friend, he wrote back “What the fuck is a codpiece?! I have no idea and I’m throwing up in my mouth trying to imagine it”
For those of you who are wondering the same thing, according to Wikipedia “A codpiece (from Middle English: cod, meaning “scrotum“) is a covering flap or pouch that attaches to the front of the crotch of men’s trousers and usually accentuates the genital area. It was held closed by string ties, buttons, or other methods. It was an important item of European clothing in the 15th and 16th centuries, and is still worn in the modern era in performance costumes for rock music and metal musicians and in the leather subculture.”
Henry VIII proudly rocking a codpiece.
My Mom is a costume designer by profession. I double checked this definition with her and she confirmed that it is indeed correct, adding “Back then, people wore codpieces to protect themselves from other guy’s swords. Um, no pun intended! I mean, everyone carried a sword back then. With that many sharp objects floating around, someone was bound to get hurt! Today we call it the jock strap.” Thanks Mom!
However, judging by the photos the only attacks you’ll have to fend off while wearing these jeans will be from the fashion police.
What's up with this guy's hair and why is it nicer than mine?
“The Hot Child is casually sexy and boldly irreverent. The logo (a twisted baby hand reaching skyward) [because, you know there’s nothing weird about that] serves as a giant middle finger shoved in the face of mainstream expectations.”
They also want you to know that they are all about “secrets” – in the most convoluted way possible:
“Like a person, what makes T.H.C the most interesting, what really gives it its character, is its secrets; the double-entendre-loaded initials; the covert, contraband-stashing pockets; and the long-overdue, junk friendly jeans. No more squashing, squishing, scrunching, or splitting of the goods.”
“Once we are launched, those who know these secrets will be “in the know.” Those who don’t are people The Hot Child man doesn’t want to know. The Hot Child makes clothes for men on the bleeding edge of fashion — men with the confidence to stand out and be noticed — men with the balls to pack a codpiece!”
Because sometimes a photo speaks more than words, here is more photographic evidence that this is in fact, a real thing:
(More photos after the jump. C’mon, I know you want to see them.)
I don't know about you, but I always think of fiery fetus meteors whenever I go for long walks on the beach in my khaki capris.
Hey, remember this?
Good news: You can still be a Birdketeer!
.....AN EVIL BIRDKETEER.
I really feel like this one speaks for itself:
Go Sharks!
I have to give the Hot Child guys some serious props. Putting together this line & sending out press releases to major publications is nothing short of “ballsy” (har, har, see what I did there?!) In all seriousness, I do honestly believe there is a market for this kind of product. Women wear push-up bras, men should have the freedom to “enhance their assets” and express their sexuality in the same way. However, if I was a guy I’m just not sure I’d trust a company whose slogan is:
“I have a secret in my pocket”
Just saying.
What do you guys think? Male readers – would any of you wear these?
