The Sexual Apocalypse is Here and I’m Ready

Greetings from the pandemic where I’m currently hoarding imported Mexican salsa and drunk ordering books off Amazon late at night. How are you doing?

Lately, I’ve been writing a lot about the intersection of Covid-19, dating, sex and relationships for my Toronto Sun column . I’ve written pieces about the boom of the sex toy industry, called out the weird behaviour of single men in quarantine (I see you) and written A LOT about all the sex us single folk aren’t having right now. I don’t imagine a lot of people feel great about the idea of forced celibacy, but I’m strangely okay with it. Then it dawned on me why this is: I’ve been training for this my entire writing career.

Remember when I used to be a regular sex blogger? I know it’s been a while. Anyway, if you’re an OG Skinny Dip reader you might recall me once likening myself to Kenny “yo I gotta have sex tonight” Fisher because my stash of sex supplies far outweighed my current needs. At the height of my sex blogging, the stockpile of toys, lubes and candles my bedroom looked like I was gearing up for some kind of sexual apocalypse. Well, my friends, that day is here.

(FYI, the Kenny Fisher inspired artwork above can be found here)

My sexual doomsday prepper tendencies have finally paid off. While my hand sanitizer and Lysol wipe supply may be dwindling, I have everything I need to survive the era of solo-sex.

The other night, I decided to do an impromptu inventory of my wares, which lead to a Marie Kondo-esque cleaning out of my sex toy cabinets. Just like Kondo suggests, I pulled everything out and placed it on my bed. Not going to lie — it was a bit scary. I found a lot of stuff that I either forgot I owned, have never tried or never want to try.

In the spirit of sex toys that go hilariously wrong, I thought it would be fun to walk you through some of the weirder items I came across.

Like this thing. What fuck is this? Similar to the telltale dildo (RIP you veiny monstrosity), I always forget I own this thing until I open the drawer and it startles me back to reality. It would be hilarious, if it wasn’t so terrifying.

I solemnly swear that I do not like this toy and don’t want it anywhere near my genitals.

Made of creepy, tacky jelly material, I think this is supposed to used as an attachment for a wand vibrator. However, it doesn’t fit any of the wands I own, which begs the question: #why? Also, the fingers are creepily small *shudder*

Next, what fresh slice of hell is this? I was sent this confusing contraption a few years ago but have since thrown out the manual and now have no idea/desire to try and figure it out.

I assume it’s for a couple (both with vaginas, maybe?) to use internally together, but it’s almost two feet long. When fully inserted there’s still going to be at least 6 inches of plastic “arm” between the two of you. Even in the time of social distancing, this seems wrong.

I mean, I kind of wish it was a set of wearable speakers for running, but alas it is not.

By the way, I found these two throwback gems. Who can forget this unfortunate thirst purchase and the almighty candy cane vibrator? (Insert joke about Christmas “comes” all year round).

Processed with MOLDIV

I also unearthed a handful of vibrators that look like a stingray had sex with a computer mouse. I vaguely remember trying these? But why are there so many of them and why are they all so unmemorable? Also, I’m pretty sure one of them is called “The Chocolate” which makes zero sense because it’s pink.

While I mostly plan on sticking to my favourite sex toys during quarantine (if it ain’t broken, why fix it?), many of the less favoured items in my collection can still be put to good use.

For example, these Fifty Shades of Grey arm restraints can be repurposed as a stylish face mask in a pinch.

If things really go south, I’m also prepared for any Birdbox type situations that may arise.

Processed with MOLDIV

Oh, and those Fifty Shades of Grey handcuffs I never use because they have quotes from the book engraved on them (I kid you not)…

Processed with MOLDIV

If society descends into full out anarchy, the cuffs paired with the Fifty Shades of Grey blindfold are perfect for restraining adversaries.

It’s what Christian Grey would want.

Processed with MOLDIV

Like the inscription on the cuffs says, any predators will be “all mine.”

Since many of us are embracing home improvements lately, I think it’s also important to note that silicone lube is great for fixing a creaky door.

While it’s unlikely I’ll be using any of these toys in the bedroom, they can still be useful. My suggestion: combine two questionable toys into one horrifying back scratcher/high shelf-reacher/social distancing tool.

Here, let me get that for you!

Lastly, just because handshakes are off the table right now doesn’t mean you can’t still make those money moves.

Well, that’s all folks. I hope you’ve enjoyed this post and are all staying safe and well.

The Telltale Dildo

Many of you have asked me what it’s like reviewing and writing about sex toys while living at home with my Mom. The most common questions usually go something like this:

“Isn’t it awkward trying these things when other people are home?!”

“You must have SO many toys. Where do you keep them all?!”

The answers are actually pretty straightforward.

A: I NEVER, EVER test out sex toys when other people are home. Not only would it feel totally creepy, I wouldn’t be able to relax and would be paranoid that someone might interrupt me. I only use the toys when no one is home and when I know they are far, far away. My Mom travels a lot so I try and schedule my reviewing duties for when she isn’t here. However, sometimes it takes me longer to review things if I’m not able to get the required alone time to try the product.

B: Although it would seem I have a bazillion sex toys, the number is actually closer to two dozen (one for every hour of the day! Just kidding.) I keep them all in two separate cloth storage boxes that I stash under my bed. When I lived in Toronto I kept them in one of the drawers of my storage bed.

(Photo credit)

Last week, to prepare for Abby’s visit I was doing a mass cleaning of my bedroom. To make sure she was comfortable, I decided to give her my bed while I slept on the pullout couch. However, as I was cleaning I remembered the 24 vibrators and dildos stashed under my bed. Although Abby knows what I do, there’s something really creepy about forcing a guest to sleep in such close proximity to two dozen dildos, so I moved the boxes to another area of the house.

However, as I was getting ready to move the boxes, I noticed something. Remember that time I reviewed the very life-like Nick Hawk Dildo – wasn’t that hilarious? (“Err, you mean disturbing Simone?! I’m still having nightmares about that thing!”) Well, as I was rearranging a couple of the toys, I picked up the Nick Hawk dildo to dust it off and I saw that it had changed colour. There were now a couple of purple-ish blue spots spreading out along the shaft. Gross.

I have no idea what happened. I clean my toys profusely with antibacterial toy cleaner after each use, so my only guess is that it somehow rubbed up against something in the toy box – what, I’m not sure since most of the toys in that box are pink – or, that the dye in one of it’s very prominent veins burst somehow. Either way, AHHHHHH! SHUDDER.

(I’d take a photo of it for you guys but seriously, no one needs to see that.)

Repulsed and still in shock, I wrapped it up into a bag and vowed to deal with it as soon as Abby had gone back to Vegas.

WHERE DO YOU EVEN DISPOSE OF A GIANT, LIFE LIKE, MODEL PENIS? These are the kind of questions that haunt me on a daily basis (see: “sex blogger problems”). In the meantime, that weird, rubbery smell I noticed when I initially reviewed the dildo, had begun to permeate my whole toy box. Um, can anyone say EWW?

I recently read the book  Girl Walks into a Bar . . .: Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle
by comedian & SNL alum, Rachel Dratch. FYI, I love Dratch and the book is a fun read if you love female comedians like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Anyway, there’s a chapter called “With All Due Respect to Edgar Allan Poe” in which Dratch tells the story of a red vibrator she received as gift from an ex, that she’d been meaning to throw since the break-up. When contractors arrive to renovate her bedroom and she remembers the dildo still stashed away in her top drawer, she begins to have Poe-like visions of it vibrating within the top drawer of her dresser (“Hark! Louder! Louder! It is the buzzing of the Telltale Dildo!“)

You guys, I have my own Telltale Dildo situation on my hands. Although I know it doesn’t vibrate, I keep on imagining it in the toy box, pulsating as it mutates into a rainbow of different colours. When something that once turned you on starts to resemble sour cream that’s been left in the fridge too long, it’s very unsettling. I knew it was time to send this dildo up to the big old sex toy collection in the sky.

Despite it’s short service, Joe the Intern  insisted we give the dildo a hero’s burial, which at Skinny Dip headquarters means wrapping it in pink tulle and chucking it into a dumpster. Joe the Intern saluted the dildo while this played heroically in the background.

As a side note, although the Nick Hawk dildo claims it’s free of phthalates, the dildo’s very chemical, intense rubbery smell has left me feeling uneasy. I have decided to contact Dildology – a non profit organization that tests sex toys and analyzes their chemical composition to see whether they are in fact body-safe. Although they won’t test previously used toys for obvious reasons (I would hate to work in that mail room), I’m hoping that by contacting them they’ll at least put the Nick Hawk dildo on their radar for future testing.

RIP Telltale Dildo. I hope that Nick Hawk’s real life junk is not as terrifying as you are. 

10 Wildly Inappropriate Holiday Gifts

It’s been over a year since I wrote an instalment of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong. Has it really been that long? It seems like just yesterday I was snickering at my laptop as a I wrote a description of the Sukit Draft Fleshlight. I review sex toys often which means I stumble across some pretty weird stuff on a regular basis. I’ve just been stock-piling all of these photos and links to share with you in one big creepy post.

It’s that time of year again when I start thinking about the Holidays and shopping for the people I love. I don’t really have anything on my own Christmas wish-list. I pretty much have everything I need (however, if Santa wants to bring me  at home laser hair removal device I wouldn’t object) ‘Tis the Season to make fun of stuff, so here are a few things that I hope don’t find their way under my tree or yours (or anyone’s for that matter). I present:

When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong: Holiday Edition.

1. Barry the Beaver.

I feel like Barry the Beaver almost belongs in a category all of his own, like one called “When Hipsters Make Sex Toys.” Barry the Beaver was created by design nerd Jeremy Fish to be your new “vibrating vinyl friend.” One turn of his tree stump base and he starts vibrating throughout his cute little tubular body. Oh, and did you notice his strategically placed vibrating beaver tail?! I think what’s most disturbing about Barry isn’t that he’s a beaver – I’m no longer surprised by sex toys shaped like animals. It’s that he’s a beaver wearing tightie whities.

2.California Exotics COLT Power Stroker.

Wow, so this seems a little violent. The Colt Power Stroker is a masturbation sleeve “designed for male pleasure”. Grenade. Pleasure. Not seeing the connection. It “blows my mind” (see what I did there?) why any guy would want to put his penis inside something that closely resembles an explosive device – especially when the box says “EXPLODE!” in big bold letters across the front. Why tempt fate?

3. Man Eaters.

Years ago I had this friend with benefits. We’d occasionally hook up, but most of the time we would spend hours on MSN Messenger talking about sex. In my defence, it was the early 2000’s and MSN was the cyber sex platform du jour. Anyways, one night we started discussing blow jobs. He described to me his worst blow job experience: “It was horrible. She used her TEETH!” Now enter the Man Eaters – a male sex toy described as “a unique product with revolutionary design.” To use the Man Easters you just place your johnson in the alien’s gaping, toothy red maw & rev ‘er up!

Seriously, what’s with all these terrifying toys for men? Guys, do you secretly desire to be pleasured by something that looks like it’s out of Little Shop of Horrors?! The way I see it, the Man Eaters is basically my former booty call’s worst nightmare all wrapped up in Toys R’ Us style packaging – teeth and all. Considering he and I are no longer on speaking terms, someone should really send him this for Christmas.

4. Oh Oui Pink Banana.

Why yes, that’s a vibrator shaped like a hot pink banana. Who am I kidding?! This is awesome! Or should I say utterly “appealing”

5. “Bodyfluid” Lubricant

I’m all about using lube in the bedroom and this one by innovative sex toy company Fun Factory is probably quite awesome – IF it didn’t have the worst possible name EVER. But don’t worry, as the packaging explains it’s “For Lovers” (not haters?) Seriously though, if I was over at a guy’s house and noticed he had a can of something labeled “Bodyfluid” in his bathroom I’d grab my panties and run for the hills. Two questions: Does it come with a free box of Kleenex? And, is this product associated with my local internet cafe?

6. Cock Cologne.

I love how the muscled chicken lifting weights on the packaging of this penis spray makes me feel super masculine” – said no man ever. Containing purified water, Aloe extract and a bunch of other ingredients, this “intimate male lotion” is designed to freshen things up downstairs before you get down. Oh hey, I know something else that does that. It’s called a shower.

View Post

When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong #4

I feel like my last few posts have been very “touchy, feely, let’s all go watch Oprah, hold hands and sing kumbaya” Writing about my feeeelings has left me craving a bit of snarky commentary. What better way to get the ball rolling than with another installment of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong?

If you think all of the weird sex toys are products designed for women, think again. From products that promise to be the best blowjob machines in the world to sex toys that are reminiscent of McDonald’s characters, it’s clear make some pretty bizarre stuff for men too. Here are some of my top pics of sex products for the gents:

BOYS WILL BE BOYS..

1. The Hand-Job Turbo Stroker: This product definitely puts the “hands” back in “hand-job”. The Turbo Stroker promises to deliver “life-like stroking action” with “plastic hands that stroke you up and down”….because every man fantasizes about having his junk stroked by tiny plastic doll hands. The fact the manicure matches the canister is no mistake people! I think what’s really creepy about this toy (besides the glaringly obvious) is that it says it includes a “realistic vagina opening” at the top of the shaft. Take a look at the photos. No really, check them out. I’m not exactly a vagina expert however, I’m guessing that neither are the manufacturers of this toy. FYI. THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.


2. Carmen’s Voluptuous Lips Blow Job Imitator: A few months ago, my friend Lindsay was over at my house hanging out and drinking wine. Somehow we ended up looking at sex toys online. The following conversation happened as soon as we stumbled upon Carmen’s Voluptuous Lips:

“What is that?”
“It’s a blow-job imitator”
“Why is it frowning? It looks sad”
“It does! I also don’t understand why it’s purple? It kind of reminds me of something else”
“It kind of reminds me of this guy”
“It’s Grimace’s girlfriend”
“Totally”
“Grimace’s girlfriend…why you so sad?”
“I’m sure it has something to do with the Hamburgler”

3. The Cobra Libre Hands Free Masturbator: This is the latest toy for men from Fun Factory. If you’re not familiar with Fun Factory, they are known for their high quality and body safe line of sex toys. The Cobra Libre is a Hands Free Masturbator for men. You stick your penis in the open end and then you sit back and relax as the toy vibrates & pulsates. I’m sure this toy is fantastic however, I can’t shake the feeling that it also reminds me of something else…
Oh right! My Hoover S1361. Boy, that thing is good on carpets.


4. The Aria Cock Pleaser: Aria is a blow-job imitator that has a “vibrating and rotating tongue” designed to “stimulate your love rod” (their words, not mine). Why does this toy weird me out? Five simple words: IT. HAS. A. NOSE. WHY?


5. The Sukit Draft by Fleshlight. I consider this product today’s piece de resistance. I imagine somewhere, at some point the following conversation occurred between an executive and an industrial designer:

“What are two things men enjoy?”
“Easy: beer and getting head”
“Let’s combine both of those into one product!”

“Ok, but we need a theme”
“I have really fond memories of that weekend I spent on R&R in Cam Rahn Bay in ’67. I think we need to give the product an Asian twist.”
“Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was born in the 80’s. The closest I’ve come to ‘Nam is that time I watched Apocalypse Now while totally baked on pot brownies”
“Fine. Just do your best…and make it discrete!”

And thus, the Sukit Draft aka, “Blow Job in a Can” was born.


Sure, this product is “discrete” until your buddy comes over, decides to grab a cold one and gets a very unpleasant warm surprise. If I really wanted to get into what I find wrong about this product (besides, once again…the glaringly obvious) I could re-hash for you one of my 4th year Anthropology lectures on the negative cultural impact of Orientalism however, instead I will quote Wayne and Garth: “It really SUKS!”

SOMETHING YOU BOTH CAN ENJOY…

6. Underwear Built for Two: the box says “Twice the Fun!” , Skinny Dip says “253646768797979769569 times the Awkward”

LASTLY…

7. 18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream: The name really says it all. I don’t know about you but, I’m pretty sure my vagina does not want to be 18 again. I don’t remember my vagina being particularly satisfied at that age. I was still sleeping with guys who’d barely mastered missionary and thought making love meant pounding away on a girl like an out of control energizer bunny. It wasn’t exactly what I’d consider a golden era. So, this cream just makes me scratch my head more than anything else. How exactly does it work? How does the cream know when its tight enough?! I just imagine somewhere a vagina is crying out: “NOOOOO THE WALLS ARE CLOSING INNNNNNNNN. MAKE IT STOP!”


Even more bizarre, you can purchase this cream from Amazon. It’s great to know that if I ever decide I want to live out the nightmare I described above (not likely) I can purchase this product in the same shopping basket as the latest Glee box set and the complete works of David Sedaris. Now, that’s what you call modern convenience.

Maybe I am totally missing the point but do people actually use these products? Do my male friends secretly enjoy sticking their penises inside something that looks like a vacume cleaner? I don’t think I really need to know the answers however, I am going to think twice next time I grab a beer from their fridge.

Have you guys seen anything weird and wonderful lately? Please share!

 

When Sex Toys go Hilariously Wrong #3

It’s that time again! Welcome to episode #3 of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong. The theme of today’s post “If Old McDonald Had a Sex Toy Shop

While doing some research for these sex toys gone wrong posts I came across an interesting phenomena: there are a lot of sex toys out there that are shaped like animals (too many) and its starting to give me the creeps. I’m not talking about the iconic “Rabbit” vibrator. I understand the appeal of the Rabbit. I’m talking about sex toys that take this whole animal thing to a new creepy level. Here are a few toys that make me say “E-I-E-I-OH-NO” (Come on. You knew that was coming.)

1. The Fun Factory Dolly Dolphin. Growing up on the West Coast, I went through a phase many girls go through, where I wanted to be a marine biologist. Whenever I’d go to the mainland with my parents, I’d insist we visit the Vancouver Aquarium. My favorite was “White Wing” – the Aquarium’s star dolphin that had a singular white flipper . I was so enamored with White Wing that my parents bought me a plastic model of her from the Aquarium gift shop that I proudly displayed in my bedroom. For my 4th birthday I had a cake with a dolphin on it and with a message below that said “Happy Birthday love Mom, Dad and White Wing“. As I got older my love for marine biology waned and was replaced with other interests like ballet and teen drinking. However, I took solace in knowing that my White Wing doll was safely packed away with the rest of my childhood toys…or, so I thought.

You can imagine the horror I experienced the first time I walked into a sex shop and saw an unexpected familiar face:


WHITE WING? IS THAT YOU?” *commence gentle sobbing*

2. The I Rub my Duckie Paris Vibe The original I Rub my Duckie vibe is a classic yellow rubber duck designed for a little extra “bath time fun”. The manufacturers have updated the duck so that its also available in a fun new color (pepto bismal pink!) with new “glamorous” features (a feather boa! a Swarovski studded beak!). The people over at Pinkcherry.ca describe this toy as “possibly the most discrete pleasure toy available“. Can someone please explain what exactly is discrete about this toy? ITS A BRIGHT PINK DUCK IN A FEATHER BOA. If I saw this in someone’s bathroom I’d have so many questions. First of all – when you use it, what happens to the feather boa? As I’ve learned from experience, feathered accessories and water do not mix. Does the boa get flung off onto the wet bathroom floor in a fit of passion? Or, would the owner be more inclined to hang it up on a tiny duck sized towel rack before getting down to business? What’s the deal?

The only person I could imagine having something like this in their home is my gay friend Geoffrey. I met Geoffrey at the height of my fag hag partying days. Geoffrey was and still is, one of the most flamboyant men I know. The decor of his apartment could be described as “Malibu Barbie and Gay Ken’s beach house” meets “Jersey Shore set“: Animal print sofas! Pink and gold zebra print bedspread! Photos of naked men hanging everywhere! Hand-towels streaked with orange bronzer! The last time I went over there my friend said to me: “Hey Simone! Look what I bought!” and emerged from his bedroom carrying a rubber fist the size of a baseball bat. Rubber Duckie, you are not the one for me…or for Geoffrey.

3. The Hello Kitty Vibrator: Another weird phase I went through while growing up on the West Coast was this period in high school where I wished I was Asian. In 2009, Statistics Canada reported that over 30% of the inhabitants of Vancouver – a city with a metropolitan population of 2 million – have Chinese heritage. Living on the West Coast, its hard not to pick up on a little bit of Asian pop culture. I took this a step further, and turned my love for Asian pop culture into a full-fledged identity crisis. I looked up to my Asian friends: the music they listened to, the food they ate, the way they dressed. I read fashion magazines from Hong Kong. I mainlined Bubble Tea like it was my job. I listened to tapes of Cantonese pop that my friends would give me. I dated Asian guys. I learned how to swear in Cantonese. I’d impress my friend’s parents with my nimble chopstick skills. My friends and boyfriends lovingly teased me that I’d become an “Egg” – white on the outside, yellow on the inside. As part of my “Egg” identity crisis I became obbsessed with all things Japanamation. My life started to look like it was sponsored by Hello Kitty & friends – a phase that lasted into first year university when I eventually realized that I was creeping people out. Although I’ve abandoned my dream of owning a Hello Kitty toaster (which once seemed like the holy grail of household products) I’m still kind of an EGG at heart. I love Dim Sum as much as Bacon & Eggs, my mouth waters at the sight of salted Taiwanese plums and I like to roam to ailses of T&T whenever I’m feeling homesick. My Hello Kitty nail clipper & contact lense case has long since disappeared but, I still have a soft spot for the mouthless feline. With that said, I can never, EVER get on board with this product:

Yes, that’s vibrating kitty for your kitty. Maybe I’m not the only one who was disturbed by this product because recently they came out with an updated model that is much smaller and more discreet.


I don’t have any desire to pleasure myself with this object either however, I do have an uncontrolable urge to hang it off my cellphone.

4. Portable Pleasure Petz are a collection of gelatinous looking travel sized vibrators in the shape of some of your favorite animals. For the sake of bio-diversity, the Pleasure Petz collection includes a vibrating Bunny, Beaver, Penguin and Platypus, all of which come with toy cleaner and lubricant. I assume that’s lubricant – the bottle simply says “MOIST” – straight to the point!

Please note that these are “PETZ” with a “Z”. There is something inherently questionable about things that are spelled with a “Z” that don’t need to be…like, “Cheez” or “Wingz”. There’s this restaurant that I drive by everyday on my commute to and from work called “Bitez and Thingz”. Lets just say that my desire to eat there is about the same as my desire to use a vibrating “platapuz” on my “puzzy”.

These toys do however, make me want to go and buy a bag of 5 cent gummy candy.

5. The I Rub my Wormie: Lets take a moment to acknowledge the complete un-sexiness of this product. “I Rub My Wormie” sounds like something you’d hear an old man say right before he opens his raincoat and exposes his goods to the passengers of the Westbound Queen streetcar.

I once had the displeasure of hearing a 32 year old man that I’d had sex with with refer to his cock as his “pee pee”. Just thinking about that makes my lady parts go dry. This toy has a similar effect. I’ve established a new Rule of thumb: If it has googly eyes, I don’t want it between my legs.

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE I RUB MY FISHIE.

What do you guys think?

Latest pins

Follow on Pinterest