This is What Happens When You Date Me

The other day I was downtown shopping, taking my new pair of mint colored J-Brand jeans for a test drive, when I looked at my phone and noticed there was a missed call from Handsome Guy  (we’ve been speaking regularly ever since I got back to BC). When I called him later that evening he said:

“I have a funny story for you Simone”

As you may remember, when Handsome Guy and I arrived at the airport so I could catch my flight to BC, we discovered that my two suitcases were massively overweight. We had to remove a bunch of stuff just so that I’d be able to check my bags. Being the stand-up kind of guy that he is, Handsome Guy agreed to take everything home, pack it all up and ship it out to me so that I wouldn’t be without “daily essentials” like my summer wedge sandals, my Veronica Mars DVD box sets and my favorite sex toys (including my rabbit vibrator, the Fonz & the Sienna Symphony – my favorite  G-spot vibrators and the infamous Lelo Ella aka “Super Dildo”)  It’s clear that even though we are still getting to know each other, this guy knows me well. 

Here’s the story as Handsome Guy explained it to me:

The other day when he was getting ready to leave the house & drop my things off to be shipped, he heard his phone vibrate. However, when he put down the box to check his phone he realized that the vibrations weren’t coming from his pocket, they were coming from the box. “That’s weird” he thought. He picked up the box and that’s when he felt the vibration again. What the hell? Was it possible that he had dropped his phone inside the box when he was packing it and now someone was trying to get in touch with him?! In a panic, Handsome Guy opened the box and began to tear the contents apart in search of whatever was making the noise.

At this point in the story I started to giggle uncontrollably.

“Oh, god! It was my adult toys right?!”

As it turns out, several of my favorite vibrators had decided to all start vibrating their little hearts out as some kind of weird send-off to Toronto.

“I’m sorry about that. That box basically contained a mini sex shop. However, I swore I removed all the batteries before I packed them away”

“I guess you didn’t because those things were definitely active. Don’t worry – I eventually managed to “deactivate” everything & turn them off”

“Oh crap. My Lelo Mona vibrator is in there. It doesn’t run on batteries. It’s like a cell phone and has it’s own charger. With a full charge that thing can vibrate for 4 hours or something. It’s crazy.”

“Wow, so basically it will be vibrating all the way to Winnipeg”

“Pretty much. That thing is nuts. I love my Lelo Mona

“Well, you don’t have to worry. Your lovely vibrating box is packed tight and is coming soon”

“Wow. That really doesn’t sound good”

“Nope. It really doesn’t”

“I think I need to blog about this”

***

LESSON TO BE LEARNED:  Ladies, always remember to remove the batteries from your sex toys (or let them charge down to zero) before you attempt to travel or have your new love interest send them cross country. Otherwise, you risk receiving a note like this from a TSA agent:

Vibrating suitcase = pervy note. I was not the recipient of this note however, I kind of wish I was just so I could take credit for story.

 HAPPY WEEKEND! xox

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys. I received a gift certificate to help fund my on-going addiction to luxury vibrators in exchange for this post. All opinions and awkward situations are my own. 

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store
 

10 Things I Wish Sex Ed Had Taught Me

One of the things I love about the Eden Fantasys website is that there is so much cool content on there. If you get bored looking at all the brightly colored sex toys, lingerie & the like, there’s forums, video reviews, the Eden Cafe Blog and SexIs Magazine – all of which feature fun & informative information about sex. Recently, I’ve become totally addicted to watching Producer & Sex Educator, Nikol Hasler’s  “What Did We Learn” video series. Nikol Hasler’s story is interesting. Sexually active at a young age, her early life was marked by moving from various foster homes, conquering subsequent drug abuse, becoming homeless and pregnant – all before the age of 18. These experiences have given Nikol a unique perspective on sex education. In 2008 she teamed up with a friend to create the Midwest Teen Sex Show – a very popular comedy podcast where she uses her experiences & biting sense of humor to provide straight forward info to teens about sex. She’s since written a book & moved to LA to write a pilot based on her podcast for Comedy Central. In other words, color me impressed. Did I mention she’s also really funny?

Producer & Sex Educator, Nikol Hasler

I was watching her video “Five Things I Wish Someone Else Would Tell My Son”  and it got me thinking about what I wish someone had told me about sex when I was a teenager.

The sex education I received in High School was spotty at best. In grade 10 our guidance counsellor Mrs. M (a bleach blonde, middle aged woman with a thick Eastern European accent & a fondness for spike heels, low cut tops & drinking out of a plaid thermos that I swear contained something stronger than coffee) turned on a VHS tape of the Degrassi High’s “School’s Out” TV movie and barked out “VATCH THIS!” before stumbling out of the room. If you haven’t seen this cheesy 1990’s masterpiece, it features a totally awkward scene where a girl shows her friend how to put a condom on a banana – because you know, that’s something that occurs all the time in normal social situations. I knew the basic “birds and bees” stuff but for the most part, sex ed left a lot to be desired. By the time I got to grade 11 my school had it’s own daycare. It’s funny how no one connected the dots here.

So, here’s some basic things I wish someone had told me in Sex Ed:

1. Always, ALWAYS pee after sex. When I was 19, I woke up one morning feeling like someone was stabbing my bladder with Ginsu knives. I thought I was dying. Turns out it was only a bladder infection – something I later learned could have been prevented if I had gone to the bathroom after doing the deed with my boyfriend the night before.

2. Sex Toys exist. Using them and pleasuring yourself isn’t weird or wrong. I feel like there is this massive double standard for men & women when it comes to self-pleasure. In popular culture, guys masturbating is considered “ha ha funny” (think the movie American Pie) whereas when it comes to women pleasuring themselves, it’s still looked upon as something slightly shameful. I didn’t even know vibrators existed for the longest time. When I finally worked up the nerve to go buy one in university it was like this big, secretive deal. Now that I own a whole drawer full of them I realize it’s not a big deal at all. Toys are actually really empowering. I wish more girls knew this.

With that said, if you’re going to use toys make sure they are body safe. Unfortunately, there are many toys out there made of materials that contain phthalates and other toxic chemicals that have been linked to cancer and serious health problems. Protect your girl parts and make sure the sex toy you are buying is labeled as “body safe and phthalate free”. I cringe to think what my first vibe was made of.

3. Sex sometimes involves weird noises, unexpected fluids and laughter. A healthy sex life involves having a sense of humor. Years ago, I was in bed with a former booty call of mine during a heat wave in Toronto. The sex was hot and our body temperatures were even hotter. We were SO sweaty that we were desperately clinging onto each other in fear that if we let go, we might actually slide off the bed. Because there was so much moisture, it created a suction cup effect. Every time we would separate our bodies, a funny farting sound would happen. The sex was so good we didn’t care. This kind of stuff happens. Bodies sometimes make strange noises. Periods arrive unexpectedly. If you’re not mature enough to deal with this & laugh it off with your partner, you’re probably not mature enough to be having sex.

4. Better awareness about condoms. Condoms come in all kinds of different textures, sizes, colors, lubricated/non-lubricated, ribbed/non-ribbed, pineapple flavor etc. Ahhh!!! It’s all very confusing!!! Not all of these condoms are going to work for you. For example, you might be allergic to latex, certain lubes or even spermicide. A sign you might be allergic to spermicide: your girl parts feel like they are on fire after coming in contact with it. True story.

5. Be careful, but don’t be terrified.  I came of age amidst the height of the AIDS crisis. In grade 11, our drama teacher brought in an HIV+ AIDS activist to speak to our class. He got up and gave us the following piece of confusing advice: “Kids, don’t fuck your way through Europe like I did” while we all stared at him, open jawed. Combined with a Catholic upbringing, I spent a lot of my late teens/early 20’s having a lot of fear & guilt around sex. I wish someone had just said, “You can have a healthy, fun sex life that’s also safe”

6. Sex Ed for Gay Students. If I felt like I wasn’t getting much out of sex ed class I can’t imagine how my gay classmates must have felt. There was hardly any mention of homosexuality except “It exists. Don’t be homophobic”. No one ever brought up how gay people actually get it on. It was only last year , while watching an episode of “The Real L-Word” that I learned what “scissoring” was all about.

7. If a guy says he doesn’t want to wear a condom, dump him. Guys will go to great lengths to get out of wearing a condom. This includes telling you stuff like “I love you & would feel so much closer to you without one.” I once had a 35-year old man tell me “Condoms just feel impersonal” (and getting/spreading an STD is way more personal) Recently, I also heard another 30-something guy say that his method for protecting himself from STD’s is to “pull out” (um, I don’t think it works that way buddy). Which brings me to #8…

8. Unfortunately, it’s likely some of the people you will sleep with will be morons. Until proven otherwise, assume everyone is as clueless as the guys I mentioned above & take your health into your own hands. Wrap. It. Up. Play safe.

9. Sex often comes with these messy things called FEEEEELINGS. In high school we were told “wait until you’re in a relationship or married” but life doesn’t always happen that way. When I was 18 I started having a slightly scandalous affair with a much older man. The first time we slept together, he came over, we had sex & then he went home 5 minutes later. Nothing could have prepared me for the sense of emptiness I felt after my first casual sex experience. As much as I tried to front like I was all tough & cool when it came to sex back then, the truth was I got attached to people after I slept with them. When those feelings weren’t reciprocated it hurt.

10. Whatever you’re into is OK. Do you want to be spanked? Does porn turn you on? Are you into guys and girls? As long as it’s consensual and no one is getting hurt, whatever you’re into is totally OK. Except maybe clown porn. That’s kind of weird.

What do you wish you had learned in Sex Ed? 

Sexis - a provocative sex magazine at EdenFantasys.com

*This post was sponsored by Eden Fantasys who kindly sent me a gift certificate in exchange for my over-sharing. As always, all opinions and sordid tidbits are my own. 

Ruffles, Bows and Naughty Ballerinas

The other day my best friend and I were browsing through Purdy’s chocolates, when she gives me this teasing look & says:

“So, Simone, in honor of Valentine’s Day are you going to buy yourself one of these giant heart shaped boxes of chocolates?”

“Yeah, if I was planning on spending the evening sitting in a dark room, watching Julia Roberts movies and gently sobbing”

FYI. In case you didn’t catch my sarcasm, this totally isn’t how I’ll be spending February 14th. Actually I don’t even have any plans and this doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m one of those people that doesn’t really get bummed out about Valentines Day. The only thing that bums me out is that there are people out there who do get bummed out & feel sad around this time year. I actually secretly love Valentines Day. I love seeing all my favorite colors (pink! red! brighter pink! hearts everywhere!). It’s also a good excuse to buy new sassy underwear (even if no one else is going to see it)

This year I’m sticking to my financial resolutions and won’t be making any new additions to my already bursting lingerie drawer. However, it’s still fun to fantasize about what I would buy myself for Valentine’s Day if money was no object. So, I’ve put together an imaginary wish-list (Yay! shopping with fake money!). Gents, this can also serve as a shopping guide if you need ideas for that fabulous lady in your life.

1. Jopen Vanity Vr3 vibrator:

Once my best friend and I left the chocolate store and were out of earshot of children, I said “On second thought, I think I’m just going to upgrade my vibrator collection”  If I was going to buy a new luxury sex toy, this bad boy would definitely be a contender. This toy is known for having very strong vibrations. If you don’t believe me, watch this video where they show the toy flapping around on a desk like it has a life of it’s own. Did you watch the video?! I’m now dying of curiosity to try this thing.

2. Cake Beauty products:

This trio of creamy and delectably flavoured lip gloss will nourish and hydrate lips giving you a wash of colour and loads of shine.Sweet scape desserted island set includes: desserted island velveteen hand creme & desserted island supremely rich bath & shower froth.
 I really like Cake products because they use 90-95% natural ingredients, are paraben free and smell delicious. It’s funny, I always end up buying Cake products for other people but I’ve never actually purchased any for myself. Maybe it’s time to change that! I think the Winter Wonder Lip Gloss Trio and the Sweet Escape Dessert Island Duo  would be perfect for whisking away the winter blues.

3. “Naughty Ballerina” Panties:

These cute undies by Booty Parlor had me at their name. I mean who doesn’t want to be a “naughty ballerina”?! It’s all very Black Swan. You know, like that scene where Natalie Portman & Mila Kunis do drugs and then go to town on each other & it’s like the hottest thing ever? Yeah, that. Plus, I think the see through back + the ruffle is cute. I was ready to buy these for myself until I read the fine print and saw that they are crotchless. I’ve never understood crotchless underwear. Wouldn’t it just be easier to wear no underwear at all? Am I missing something?

*Men, only buy crotchless underwear for women you’re actually dating & know very well. It does not make a good secret admirer gift…unless of course you want her to think you’re a sex criminal.

4. Lycra corset with ruffled trim:

Lycra corset with ruffled trim - Corsets and bustier - EdenFantasys.Lycra corset with ruffled trim - Corsets and bustier - EdenFantasys.
This outfit just screams out “Be my Valentine”. I’m totally feeling the vintage burlesque feel of the corset, the peekaboo ruffles and the bow accent on the garters. With the red lacing up the back, I’d feel like my very own Valentine’s gift just waiting to be unwrapped.

4. Kama Sutra Body Souffle and Honey Dust:

Smooth these delicately scented, lusciously flavored, water-based creams are also excellent as a silky hand and body moisturizer.Edible flavored powder in a silky bag with feather applicator
Kama Sutra products are made with the bedroom in mind however, as I discovered a few years ago they’re actually just really nice body products. I’m in love with their Vanilla body souffle – a delicious smelling body creme that goes on uber smooth. Use it for  massage or as a rich body moisturizer. I’m also a huge fan of their honey dust – a light body powder that will leave your skin soft, smelling & tasting like honeysuckle (it works great as a very light fragrance). Yes, both products are edible. This means that not only will they make you smell like a dessert, you’ll taste like one too. You’ll smell so good you might be tempted to lick your arm in public. Don’t do this. It’s just creepy & weird.
5. Polka Dot mesh corset:

FORGET SEX. This outfit screams out “musical theatre”. My whole purpose for owning this would be so I would have something to wear as I danced around my house re-enacting dance sequences from Moulin Rouge. Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da!

What would you give yourself for Valentines Day if money was no object?

This post was sponsored by Eden Fantasys. I was given a gift certificate to fund my on-going obsession with lingerie and sex toys in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own because that’s just how I roll.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

The Luna Pleasure Bead System by Lelo.

Don’t get me wrong – I love trying out new sex toys but every so often, I get in the mood to try something “different” other than a vibrator.

I was excited and intrigued to try the Luna Pleasure Bead system by Lelo. I’m sure some of you are looking at the photos below and wondering “What the hell are those?!” Let me explain:

Luna Beads are these neat little contraptions designed to help you with your Kegel exercises. When placed delicately inside you, each bead creates a subtle movement induced vibe that helps strengthen the vaginal wall and PC muscles. If not exercised regularly, these muscles can become weakened over time due to factors such as childbirth, aging & heavy lifting. By exercising and strengthening these muscles you get a variety of general health benefits including a greater sense of control over your own body and my favorite…. stronger and more intense orgasms!

(If you’re already doing all kinds of self-improvement for the New Year anyways, why not exercise this part of your body too?!)

 One of the many reasons I love Lelo’s line of adult toys for women is because their products are beautifully packaged so it feels like you are opening a special gift. The Luna Bead Pleasure System includes four beads of different weights (the pink are lighter and the blue are slightly heavier) with one white silicone “girdle”. The beads come in a black box and include a satin carrying case. The pleasure beads are made of food grade, body safe materials and are hypoallergenic, latex free and phthalates free.

Made of a nonporous plastic, the beads slide into the silicone girdle. Simply insert the girdle inside you once your selected beads are in place. Movement will cause the inner balls to spin, producing a teasing sensation while at the same time helping to the strengthen your PC muscles. The two pink beads each weigh approximately one ounce, the blue beads are one and a third ounces each. Make a combination that is heavier on the top or bottom, use only one bead, or start with two of the lighter and move to the heavier when you are more advanced. It’s really up to you how you want to combine them!

I started off by trying the light weight pink balls and then moved on to the heavier blue balls (ha!). I would suggest using a bit of lube but not too much or you’ll have some very slippery balls on your hands!

My biggest fear was that I’d put these beads in, start moving around and then have to deal with tiny plastic balls literally falling out of my hoo-ha with every step. In preparation for this scenario, I even made sure I wore loose pajama pants so that I could catch the balls quickly before my cat started to chase them. However, I am happy to report that my worrying was all for nothing.

Both sets of balls inserted easily and were super comfortable. To my initial disappointment, the pink balls were so comfortable that I didn’t really feel any kind of sensation once they were inside. The blue balls were still really comfortable but I could definitely feel the inner bead circulating inside. This wasn’t enough of a sensation to bring me to orgasm (this isn’t the intention of the beads) however, it did feel good in a weird way.

I walked around my house, I jumped up and down, I did my pilates and the balls stayed perfectly in place. Of course this could only mean one thing:

I HAVE A VAJAYJAY OF STEEL.

Actually, I’m not sure whether this is true. Perhaps if I keep using the Luna Beads on a regular basis I will develop a death grip vagina. Like working out other parts of your body, results aren’t instantaneous. Only time (and the men I date in the future) will tell! Either way, these beads give me something productive to do while I watch back to back episodes of Homeland.

Has anyone else tried a similar product? What are you interested in seeing reviewed on Skinny Dip?

*The Luna Pleasure Bead System by Lelo was provided to me free of charge by Eden Fantasys in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.

Here’s to a Wetter & Better 2012

Thank you to Astroglide and Single Edition for sponsoring this post. All opinions are my own.

My view on lube has changed over the years. When I was younger and having a lot of awkward sex, I’d often reach for the lube to help make the process smoother ie. when the guy was larger than normal, I wasn’t turned on enough* or when I was no longer really enjoying myself because my partner was pounding away on me like a jack rabbit on meth. Clearly, these are bigger issues that probably could have been solved with a bit of communication but I was young and didn’t know any better. In my youthful ignorance I saw lube as a utilitarian product used to make sex that wasn’t really working “work”

(*never a good reason to use lube, ever. Actually, if you’re not turned on you probably shouldn’t be having sex in the first place but that is a whole other blog post)

As I got older, became more comfortable with myself, and the sex got better, I decided I no longer “needed” lube. It wasn’t until I was in a stable relationship and started experimenting with sex again while writing this blog that I realized lube isn’t about necessity…it’s about FUN! Sex with lube can make something that’s already good even better by enhancing your intimate play.

You also don’t need to be in a steady relationship to enjoy the benefits of lube in the bedroom. Single ladies can have fun with lube too! I recommend trying some lube next time you have shower sex – it seriously makes the whole thing much easier so you can just relax and enjoy the experience while you cling to that shower rod for dear life. Plus, having a well stocked collection of condoms and lube on hand, makes you one bad-ass chick. Any guy who doesn’t agree should be kicked out of your bedroom and to the curb (you can tell him Skinny Dip told you so.)

You can also use lube for one of my favorite uses: TOYS! If you haven’t tried using your sex toys with lube, you are seriously missing out. It just makes. everything. better.

Astroglide is a leading brand recommended by Doctors (OB/Gyns, GP’s and other specialty practices) and was actually the first lube I ever tried because it was available at my local drugstore.  Astroglide has expanded their product line since the days when I first tried it to include more options:

Astroglide original: Astroglide Original feels the most like the body’s own natural lubrication and is designed to make sex better. You can use it in the bedroom, in the shower, or take the fun outdoors -it’s really up to how creative you want to get!

Astroglide X Premium Silicone: This is the lube that will allow you to totally roll like the female Notorious B.I.G – you know, “watch a movie in the jacuzzi, smoke L’s while you……” well, you get the rest. This lube is great for making water play extra special (shower sex! pool sex! Jacuzzi sex! Ocean sex! – why not?) and is made with ingredients that act as natural skin conditioners. Although this lube is awesome for H2O activities, don’t use it with your silicone toys. Silicone and silicone don’t play well together. Instead, choose Astroglide Original to use with your silicone playmates.

Astroglide Natural: I’m really sensitive so I like to keep things as natural as possible. I was happy to see that there is now Astroglide Natural which is made with botanical ingredients like Aloe, Chamomile Flower Extract, Vitamins C&E and free of Glycerin, Parabens & Alcohol. If you are sensitive as well, you might find this one works best for you too.

If this was an episode of Oprah, this would now be the moment where I say:

“Look under your chairs!”

If you’ve never personal lubricant before you now have no excuse! As part of their “Wetter is Better: Single Ladies Love Lube too” campaign, Astroglide is giving away free samples to all of my readers. You just have to click on this link and they will send you your very own sample of Astroglide.

Yay, free lube for all!

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