On Flirting & Finding Jesus. No, Not That Jesus.

A couple of people have asked me what it’s like travelling with Joe the Intern. Although I brought Joe with me to Vancouver Fashion Week in March, our recent trip to Las Vegas was his real “coming out voyage.” The answer I usually give: it’s interesting.

Although I never have to wrestle Joe for leg-room or access to the arm-rest, travelling with a 12″ tall naked man isn’t without it’s share of  challenges and strange looks. However, being that I’m kind of shameless to begin with, I decided  to embrace the weirdness of carrying Joe in my purse & just go with it. Because, Vegas.

A blogger & her Intern.

Things only got “weird” whenever I’d try and interact with guys other than Joe.  When I went to Vegas last year, I was  finally at the point after the big break-up where I was ready to embrace being single and maybe even flirt a little…and that I did! To quote Caryn, “You were on a roll!” Considering I’m still living in my hometown where everyone is either a hipster or a senior citizen and meeting people the old fashioned way seems next to impossible, I was really looking forward to interacting with members of the opposite sex and getting my flirt on.

When I sat down on the plane, I looked across the aisle and spotted an attractive guy in his 30’s. We made eye-contact. I smiled. He smiled. Just when I thought things were going well I felt something fall out of my tote bag. I looked down and there was Joe, lying spread eagle on the carpeted floor of the airplane looking quite pleased with himself. The guy’s reaction looked something like this:

I quickly grabbed Joe, sat down in my seat and didn’t make eye-contact for the rest of the flight.

When a called my ex a few weeks ago to tell him about my Grandfather’s passing, we stayed on the phone for a while catching up on the recent events of each other’s lives. The conversation eventually wandered over the topic of my recent trip to Vegas & Bloggers in Sin City. That’s when I confessed,

“I think Joe is kind of a cock-blocker”

To which he responded, “I think Joe is just a BLOCKER period.”

It’s true, Joe does have a way of impeding certain social interactions and generating stares from TSA agents, but he’s a damn fine intern which is why I keep him around.

While at Bloggers in Sin City, I was telling my friend Casey about the incident on the plane. I’m a huge fan of How I Met Your Mother and can never resist a good dare. So, while lounging by the pool I made the following proposition to Casey:

“This weekend, if you successfully introduce yourself to someone as Sean Patrick Harris, aka the guy from Save the Last Dance, I’ll pick someone up with Joe”

Casey & Sean Patrick Thomas. A close match? Hardly. However, I know from 10+ years of friendship that he's pulled this off in the past.

“How are you going to do that?”

“I’m not sure, but it’s going to happen”

“Ok, deal.”

If Barney Stinson can pick up women while dressed as an old man, I can surely meet guys with a 12″ GI Joe at my side.

I was totally prepared to fulfill my end of the bargain but then Vegas happened. Way too many margaritas & lots of awesomeness later, we’d forgotten about the dare.

On Monday afternoon, Casey, Jen, Michelle and I found ourselves in the All Saints Store at the Cosmopolitan Hotel. I’d persuaded them to come join me while I ogled all the pretty things, including the notoriously handsome sales staff. At this point of the trip I’d completely given up on trying to flirt and had gotten into the habit of allowing Joe’s head to peak out of the top of my trusty Longchamp bag. I was fondling a rack of gorgeous leather jackets when a dark haired (and very cute) sales associate approached me to see how I was doing. He immediately asked,

“Who’s that little guy?”

(Slightly flustered) “Oh, that’s Joe. He’s just along for the ride.”

When I explained that Joe had been travelling with me all weekend, the sales guy said:

“Wow! That’s so cool! So, you take photos with him and everything?!”

We both laughed as I showed him photos of Joe lounging in the pool and posing in front of Caesar’s Palace. The whole time I was thinking.  “Seriously? Is this is really happening?!”

I told him about Skinny Dip and he said he’d love to read my blog sometime.

“I’m Jesus” he said as he handed me his card.

I didn’t have any cards on me, so I told him to look me up on the Internerd sometime.

Still slightly stunned, I walked over to Casey and the other BiSC-uits.

“I just picked someone up, with the help of Joe. I mean I think I just did.”

It’s very possible that Casey promised this guy that he’d buy an expensive belt in exchange for asking me about Joe, but I prefer to think of it as a Vegas miracle.

The problem? Ever since we came back from our trip Joe has been telling everyone:

“Simone and I went to Vegas and found Jesus.”

Oh Joe, I have so many things to teach you.

The Best Weekend of My Life

Hey Dudes. Joe the Intern here. Although we’ve been back from Bloggers in Sin City for just over a week, we’re still trying to recover and get back to normal life at Skinny Dip headquarters. For those of you who have read Simone’s previous posts about Bloggers in Sin City, you know that it’s the most epic of all epic weekends. Amazing people! Magic Guitars! Margaritas! Epic Dance Parties! Sore Feet! It’s Simone’s favourite weekend of the year and I should know – she never stops talking about it. The other day, Simone came up to me  and tapped me on the shoulder.

“Joe, I think people are sick of hearing me talk about Vegas. Plus, I’m not really sure I can do three fabulous years of #BiSC justice. You should write the BiSC re-cap post this year.”

Although I’m kind of nervous about writing MY FIRST BLOG POST EVER*, I’m honoured to be of service. Besides, Simone says she’s OK, but the other day I caught her trying to pour cereal into a coffee mug, which leads me to believe her case of Vegas brain is way worse than she’s willing to admit. When I asked her about it, she just mumbled something like, “Because Vegas. All the feelings. Tequila. Sickness. Strugglebus. Bed.” So, it’s probably a good time for me to step in.

(*SIMONE SAYS IT’S OK TO USE ALL CAPS SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT VEGAS)

Finding out I was going to Bloggers in Sin City was one of the most exciting non-danger fighting moments of my life. It was 5:30 on Tuesday morning and Simone was getting ready to head out to the airport when she said to me: “Guess what Joe?! There’s room in my carry-on. You’re coming too!” I couldn’t believe it! I was going to Bloggers in Sin City! I was going to meet all the people I had only seen on Simone’s computer screen! I started to do a happy dance around Simone’s bedroom just like I had seen her do when she registered for the event in January. As a guy who doesn’t really “do” clothes, I pack light and was able to jump into Simone’s purse just in time for her Dad to drive us to the airport.

I was kind of nervous about going to Bloggers in Sin City for a couple of reasons. First of all, I’ve heard that everything is bigger in AMERICA which, obviously is kind of a concern for me. Secondly, I’m not your typical guy. Yes, I have amazing cheekbones but I’m also a bit on the short side and am currently clothing challenged. Would the people like me?! Would I have to spend the whole weekend explaining to people the tragic story of how I lost my pants?!

When I walked into the BiSC registration suite, my palms were slicked with sweat and I felt more naked than I ever have in my life. However, when I looked around everyone was laughing, smiling and tackle hugging. I instantly felt better! Some people even knew who I was and said they were looking forward to meeting me! Some of the bloggers even wanted me to pose for photos. Yes, ME! I couldn’t believe it. Soon everyone gathered around and wrote their Twitter handles on their forearms so we’d all remember each other. They even gave me one! Bloggers in Sin City had just started and I already felt like I was part of the gang.

The next day was pool day. Given my current wardrobe situation, public swimming pools make me a bit nervous. Especially when I walked through the gates and immediately saw a sign that said “Proper Swimming Attire Required” It’s hard to find a decent swimsuit when your underwear is fused to your body. I’m glad I pushed through my fear though because pool day was actually a lot of fun.

The only thing that made me mad was when a guy named “Rocco the Sex Criminal” came up behind Simone and started grinding his man parts into her without asking. When he pinned her against the bar and forced her to dance to “Hip Hop Hooray” I balled my fists up in anger. Dude, let her go! She just wants to order a margarita! My battle instinct kicked in and I suddenly wanted to throw a million grenades at Rocco’s eyeballs. However, without any explosives at my disposal, I did the next best thing. I waited until the coast was clear, then I ran over to the Sex Criminal’s cabana and put a bunch of rocks in his shoes. Don’t tell Simone – but, when no one was looking I also peeled off a used bandaid from the bottom of a deck chair and dropped it into his beer. That should teach him!

BiSC-Bloggers-in-Sin-City

The weekend was full of doing and seeing lots of interesting things. I went to fake Venice, fake Paris, ate my first In & Out Burger and hit up happy hour at Carlos and Charlie’s (I enjoy their reasonably priced drink specials.)

I got glamorous and had delicious cocktails at the Cosmopolitan Hotel, saw Caesar’s Palace, did shots at Gilly’s and went to see Cirque du Soleil’s “O” (a real defining moment for me. So many unitards!)

I watched Simone ride the mechanical bull at Gilly’s which was really cool except for the fact that the operator was a pervert and set the bull to the “humping setting.” Once again, I was overcome with the urge to launch grenades into someone’s eyeballs, but instead I talked myself down from the ledge. I told myself “Joe, think of what you learned in anger management class. You’re in Vegas with people who love you. Have a drink and chill” – which is exactly what I did.

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Next Stop, Sin City

It’s been such a busy few weeks. So busy in fact that I have barely had a chance to mention that this week I’ll be attending my third Bloggers in Sin City un-conference (!!!!!) As you read this, I’m probably somewhere between Sleepy Town and Sin City (most likely camped out somewhere in LAX with my lap-top desperately trying to catch up on last minute work.) I’ve been working a lot of long, 10-12 hour days lately so this trip comes as a much needed vacation. I can’t wait to see my people, soak up the sun & create lots of new memories.

Luckily, while I’m gone for the week I have Joe the Intern looking after the daily operations of Skinny Dip. I trust he’ll do a good job. I only gave him one rule: no more gory battle stories while I’m out of office. I’ll be back to regular scheduled blogging as soon as I’ve recovered from my Vegas hangover which should be sometime after the 21st.

Have a good week lovelies! And, for those of you I’ll be seeing at #BiSC – see you soon!

xox

S.

The Wheel of Many Tongues

A few weekends ago I was hanging out with one of my girlfriends, when she said to me:

“Simone, I bet a lot of people send you weird stuff because of your blog”

“Define weird”

Then she brought up the photo of the Sqweel 2 that I posted on Instagram recently.

“Well, I’d say that thing that looks like wheel of tongues is definitely on the borderline

I then went on to explain that the The Sqweel 2, “the world’s best selling oral sex toy” is actually kind of awesome. The nice people over at Lovehoney sent me a Sqweel 2 a few weeks ago (thank you!), so I’m really excited to finally give you the skinny on what this toy is all about.

Lovehoney-Sqweel-2

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of oral sex. When a guy goes down on me, it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’ll get off. I only wish I could say the same about good old fashioned penis in vagina sex, but alas, I can’t. So, for those of you who like me and Kelly Rowland “like our kisses down low” the Sqweel 2 is made with you mind.

Sqweel 2 features a wheel with 10 lapping silicone tongues and an exciting ‘flicker’ mode for amazing clitoral stimulation and powerful orgasms. When you turn the toy on using the one touch button on the side, the wheel rotates, allowing the tongues to stimulate your clitoris & do their job! If you want to see what the toy looks like in motion, I suggest watching this short video.

The tongues are made of silky, soft body safe silicone which has the same velvety texture as real skin. To clean the toy, simply press the unlock button on the side of the toy, remove the wheel and clean it with warm soap & water or antibacterial toy cleaner.

Lovehoney-Sqweel-2

The most important thing to understand about the Sqweel 2 is that it’s a completely different sensation than your usual vibrator. Instead of relying on strong vibrations to get you off, it uses friction and flickering motions, much like a real tongue. Although it doesn’t feel exactly like real oral sex – the “tongues” are bit firmer than a real tongue – it definitely feels more like a finger or a tongue than a vibrator. The Sqweel is completely different from any sex toy that I have ever used before, so it took a while to get used to at first. However, once I did, I was able to just lay back and enjoy the ride – which I very much did!

It could just be that I’ve been feeling a pretty sexually frustrated lately (and could probably have an orgasm just by standing next to a washing machine) but the Sqweel got me off really, really good. Within less than a minute of turning the thing on I was having a pretty amazing orgasm…which then lead to several more before I had to shakily peel myself from the bed to catch my breath.

Lovehoney-Sqweel-2

I enjoy the Sqweel because it is so different from any of the other sex toys I own and it works, for me. Because the toy relies on a touching/flickering sensation this is a great option for someone who is looking to experiment with sex toys that don’t involve intense vibrations. Personally I enjoyed the more intense speeds on this toy, however if you have a super sensitive clit you may find the slowest speed is more your pace.

Confession time: I actually own the previous incarnation of this toy “The Sqweel 1.” Having tried both toys, I really like the improvements they made with the Sqweel 2. Not only is it aesthetically a nicer looking toy, the tongues are made of a nicer material and they’ve added fun “flicker and “reverse” modes which the previous version did not have.

Lovehoney-Sqweel-2

Here’s another photo so that you can get an idea of the scale of the toy. It’s roughly the height on a smartphone and easily fits in your hand.

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Review | Like a Boss – The G4 Big Boss by Fun Factory

I had an EdenFantasys gift card that was burning a hole in my pocket, so recently I decided to “live large” and treat myself to the G4 Big Boss vibrator by Fun Factory. Although I’d been eyeing it for awhile, this is first toy that I’ve tried by Fun Factory – the German design masterminds who are known for their innovative and aesthetically pleasing adult toys.

 

big-boss-by-fun-factory

Friends, there is no dressing this one up. The Big Boss by Fun Factory is exactly what it looks like: a big, black (or orange!), penis shaped vibrator. With a long, thick shaft and a deep, rumbling powerful motor, this toy definitely lives up to it’s name.

The Big Boss has all the makings of a luxury adult toy. It’s made of velvety soft, medical grade silicone and is 100% body safe. It’s water resistant (meaning you can use it in the shower but you can’t fully submerge it in water) and is fully rechargeable (yay!) The toys is powered by three easy to use control buttons. Similar to my beloved Lelo Soraya, I love that the Big Boss has a looped handle, which makes the toy incredibly easy and comfortable to use.

As the name suggests, The Big Boss is a larger sized toy. It has an insertable length of  6.5 inches and a circumference of 5.5 inches, making it the longest and thickest of the vibrators that I own. Although, some people have told me they think this toy is “scary looking”, I don’t think it’s scary at all. Think about it, 6.5 inches really isn’t that big – at least not for me. Studies have shown that the average penis size is approximately just under 6 inches when erect. The Big Boss isn’t an Anaconda. A better way to describe it would be “average and then some.” With that said, you will most likely need to use some water based lube with this toy.

To give you an idea of the scale of The Big Boss, I had Joe the Intern pose casually next to the Jopen Vr12 and the Picobong Kaya. Keep in mind that Joe is approximately the same height as a Ken doll. As you can see, the Jopen Vr12 is slightly longer, however the Big Boss is thicker and has more actual insertable length.

big-boss-vibrator-by-fun-factory

When it comes to the Big Boss by Fun Factory, what’s a “pro” for one person, might be a “con” for another. What the Big Boss really has going for it is it’s size and shape. The toy will definitely give you a fuller feeling than a lot of other vibrators. Although I usually shy away from toys that look anatomically correct, I think this one is beautiful. However, the Big Boss isn’t just a pretty face. It also packs a lot of power. With multiple speeds and vibration patterns, the Big Boss is one of the most powerful toys I own. Considering how powerful this toy is, it’s exceptionally quiet. It only gets slightly louder at the very highest settings.

This is probably going to sound like crazy talk, but of all my toys, this one definitely feels the most “realistic” – i.e. like an actual penis. From it’s slightly flexible shaft to it’s flared head that stimulates the g-spot, if you’re looking for a good stand in for the real thing, the Big Boss will definitely fit the bill. Oh and did I mention it gave me great orgasms?! Because it did.

If you love a toy with some extra girth, length and power, or enjoy toys that stimulate the g-spot, you’ll probably love the Big Boss by Fun Factory. Plus, you’ll finally be able to check off “Own a large black dildo” off your life list (come-on, I know you want to.) However, if this doesn’t sound like you, this toy might not be your cup of tea. Although I really love how this toy feels, it’s not one that I would recommend for beginners. If you’re looking for something similar but smaller and more discreet, I would suggest checking out the Lelo Mona or the Picobong Zizo.

Because Joe the Intern so kindly posed for the photo above, I thought I would let him put in his two cents on this review.

Thanks Joe for sharing that (quite disturbing) personal anecdote. I knew it was a bad idea to let Joe watch The Hurt Locker with me the other night. Anyway, although this toy satisfies me like a boss, I think this just proves my point, that the Fun Factory Big Boss maybe isn’t for everyone. I think the Big Boss is one bad-ass vibrator and am quite happy to be it’s recent hire, but that’s just me.

What do you guys think?

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

This post was brought to you by EdenFantasys. I received a gift card to support my on-going sex toy and lingerie addiction, in exchange for my honest review of the product. All opinions and over-sharing are my own, because that’s how I roll.

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