Because, Halloween.

It’s “Wear Your Costume to Work” day and it looks like Joe the Intern and Hammer have totally outdone the Playboy Bunny ears I haphazardly threw on this morning. I don’t have any major plans for Halloween this year, but I thought I would share with you some fun tid-bits.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog you may have noticed some sexy new additions to the layout.

EMAIL SUBSCRIPTIONS – 

Due to popular request, you can now subscribe to Skinny Dip by email. I often get so busy that I forget to check in with my favourite blogs. Subscribing by email is a great way to stay in touch and ensures that you never miss a post!

BLOGLOVIN’ – 

When Google Reader folded, I went on a desperate search to find an alternative RSS reader to help me enjoy all of my favourite reads in one place. I discovered Bloglovin‘ in the process and to be honest, I love it 1000% more than Google Reader. I’m a very visual person and Bloglovin’ caters to this. I love that there are photo previews for each post and when you click on the post, you’re able to read it on the actual blog, with the pretty layout the blogger intended. Bloglovin’ is super easy to use and just way prettier than Google Reader. I’m “Lovin'” it! You can follow me here.

NEWSLETTER – 

I get a lot of great discount codes and other goodies from the partners I work with that I would love to pass on to you my dear readers. So, after four years of blogging I finally decided to start a newsletter option for my blog. I thought this would be a fun way to stay in touch with my readers. If you sign up I promise not spam you. You will however receive an email from me every 2-4 weeks that includes  discount codes for things like lingerie and sex toys, updates about my life outside of the blog & things that I’m digging, inspirational messages and maybe even the odd photo of Joe the Intern and his buddies doing something absurd. The sign up form is on the righthand sidebar. Don’t be shy, I’d love for you to join me!

SHOPPING DISCOUNTS –

Addicted to luxury toys and romantic products? All Skinny Dip readers get 15% their purchase at Sexcuse Moi when they use the code SKINNYDIP at checkout.

Did you miss out on the Jopen Vr16 giveaway? If you’re interested in grabbing one of your own from Nitetime toys (trust me, it’s awesome), today’s the last day you can purchase the toy for 20% off using the coupon code “VanityForMe” at check out.

GIVEAWAY – 

Love condoms? Hate condoms? Never tried lube? If you want to take your sex life to the next level, make sure you enter my latest giveaway to win three months worth of sexy samplers from Lucky Bloke. Also, stay tuned for a super cool (but still top-secret) collaboration with Lucky Bloke that will launch closer to the holidays.

Happy Halloween!

May your costumes be comfortable and your sugar highs epic.

xox

 

 

Stop, Hammertime

Hey dudes, Joe the Intern here. Simone asked me whether I’d like to blog again and I jumped at the chance. I think her exact words were, “Joe, stop bugging me. I’m trying to finish Breaking Bad!” So, here I am. If you’ve been following Simone’s Instagram you may have noticed that I have a friend visiting from out of town. His name is Hammer – “Hamm” for short – and he’s from America.

Hamm is my “brother from another mother.” Growing up in the same foster home, we’d spend all day, everyday together – we were inseparable! I’d work on my danger fighting techniques while Hammer practiced his raps and dance moves. Eventually I went off to fight danger and protect the world from evil forces, while Hammer decided to focus on his music career.

Hammer spent the next ten years aboard a Carnival Cruise boat singing in the lounge for wooden pennies, until THAT BAD THING THAT WE ALL KNOW ABOUT HAPPENED. Thanks to a very sturdy raft and his signature too legit to quit work ethic, Hammer eventually found himself in an antique store in rural Iowa, where Simone’s friend Kelly discovered him. Kelly is super nice and has pretty hair. She brought Hammer home with her and within a few days he was packed in a giant box full of American tampons, ready to immigrate to Canada.

It took him a while to get here (what with the time difference between “Hammertime” and Pacific Standard time), but once he did I was thrilled. I never thought I would see Hamm again, so you can imagine my excitement when he arrived on Simone’s doorstep! Even after all these years, he still remembered our secret handshake.

Since Hammer has been in Canada, I’ve been showing him the ropes around Skinny Dip HQ. He’s been a great help around the office. It’s sure nice to have an extra pair of hands to help me with all the heavy lifting around here!

I don’t really sleep much – partly because I don’t have any eye-lids but mostly because of my NIGHT TERRORS that started after I LOST MY PANTS BECAUSE OF THAT BAD THING THAT HAPPENED THAT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. Whenever I wake up screaming, it’s really nice to know there’s someone in the sleeping bag next to mine ready to hold my hand. Hammer is also really good at talking me down whenever I’m going through the occasional bout of “battle madness” – like last week, when he caught me trying to beat up a Mr. Potato Head and I was like, “THE ENEMY IS APPROACHING! GOLD HAWK DOWN! I REPEAT GOLD HAWK DOWN! I’M GOING TO BURN THIS WHOLE PLACE TO THE GROUND- SUCKERS! NO! NO! NOT THE PANTS!”, he pulled me aside, gave me a glass of milk and made me listen to some super mellow Reggae instead.

Usually I like to spend my leisure time catching up on all the latest TED talks, however lately I’ve been watching a lot of New Girl episodes. I like to think of Hamm as the Winston to my Schmidt. We might get into some shenanigans, but we’ve always got each other’s back. I guess that makes Simone the Nick of our group….or maybe Jess since she also wears glasses sometimes.

Hamm and I balance each other out. Whereas I was (until recently) “pants-challenged”, Hammer has the most awesome pants EVER. I really admire his fashion sense and ability to grow a rat-tail. He also has a great smile.

Hammer is glad he no longer has to steal scraps of food off of the plates of drunk cruise passengers and I’m just really glad to have my friend back. Since he’s been in Canada, Hammer and I have had ample “Bro” time together. It’s been great.

Spending time with Hamm has made me remember something: From the delicious frothiness of my daily Orange Julius, to a gorgeous sunset – everything is better when shared with a friend.

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY HAMM!

A Siri-ously Good Time

I’m a huge fan of both Apple and Lelo products for very similar reasons. Both companies offer innovative, beautifully designed products, user friendly interfaces and perform very well. I honestly don’t think my life would be the same without my iPhone or MacBook Pro. The same can be said about my Lelo Soraya and Lelo Ina. However, the computer giant (Apple) and Swedish luxury sex toy line (Lelo) have more in common than most people realize. One word:

Siri.

In 2010, Lelo came out with an incredibly powerful personal massager named Siri. A year later, Apple released the iPhone 4S – featuring an app called “Siri” that talks to you like a personal assistant. You’d think that this would have resulted in the lawsuit of the century, however as Lelo described in their cheeky open letter to apple,

“Siri will become a term that defines the best of both worlds – Apple representing business and Lelo representing pleasure.” 

(Well played Lelo. Well played.)

Ever since I read City Girl‘s review of the Lelo Siri, I’ve been dying to get my hands on one to try myself. Lucky for me, the kind people over at Lovehoney generously sent me my very own Lelo Siri to review (thank you!)

 

lelo-siri

To be honest, despite being hopelessly devoted to my iPhone I rarely use the “Siri” function. There’s something about giving directions to a disembodied computer voice that’s just a little too 2001 Space Odyssey for my liking. Besides, I gave up on Apple’s Siri when she failed to help me find the location of the Aritzia sample sale. Bad Siri! 

However, Lelo’s Siri is the kind of “personal assistant” I can totally get behind. The Lelo Siri Rechargeable Clitoral Vibrator is an ultra powerful sex toy designed to be used externally. Made of silky soft silicone and ABS plastic, the Lelo Siri is 100% body safe and phthalate free. Designed with ergonomics in mind, the Lelo Siri is intelligently contoured to stimulate your clitoris and other sensitive spots with precision, while fitting perfectly in the palm of your hand.

With the Lelo Siri you get 6 different vibration settings and speeds that you can easily move through using four easy to control buttons located on the front of the toy. The Lelo Siri is fully rechargeable, which means you can get up to 4 hours of pleasure with just a 2 hour charge. As a bonus, the buttons have a locking function which means you can travel with it and avoid embarrassing sex toy mishaps.

In true Lelo style, the Siri comes expertly wrapped in a gorgeous, minimalist, velvet lined box. Inside the box you’ll also find a satin carrying case, a wall charger and a 10 year warrantee.

What I love about the Lelo Siri –

Strong vibrations and a variety of settings: As someone who likes their toys to go long and hard, I’m always weary of trying small clitoral vibrators because in my experience, they usually aren’t powerful enough for me. However, the Lelo Siri doesn’t disappoint. This little guy is surprisingly powerful. However, if you’re extra sensitive or not into really strong vibrations, the lower (less intense) settings feel really nice.

Ergonomic: It fits perfectly into the palm of your hand. Before I tried the toy, I was showing it to my friend and she commented, “It looks a bit like an Apple computer mouse!” Indeed it does.

Elegant design:  Unlike this toy, you could accidentally leave the Siri out on your nightstand without worrying about freaking anyone out.

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The Telltale Dildo

Many of you have asked me what it’s like reviewing and writing about sex toys while living at home with my Mom. The most common questions usually go something like this:

“Isn’t it awkward trying these things when other people are home?!”

“You must have SO many toys. Where do you keep them all?!”

The answers are actually pretty straightforward.

A: I NEVER, EVER test out sex toys when other people are home. Not only would it feel totally creepy, I wouldn’t be able to relax and would be paranoid that someone might interrupt me. I only use the toys when no one is home and when I know they are far, far away. My Mom travels a lot so I try and schedule my reviewing duties for when she isn’t here. However, sometimes it takes me longer to review things if I’m not able to get the required alone time to try the product.

B: Although it would seem I have a bazillion sex toys, the number is actually closer to two dozen (one for every hour of the day! Just kidding.) I keep them all in two separate cloth storage boxes that I stash under my bed. When I lived in Toronto I kept them in one of the drawers of my storage bed.

(Photo credit)

Last week, to prepare for Abby’s visit I was doing a mass cleaning of my bedroom. To make sure she was comfortable, I decided to give her my bed while I slept on the pullout couch. However, as I was cleaning I remembered the 24 vibrators and dildos stashed under my bed. Although Abby knows what I do, there’s something really creepy about forcing a guest to sleep in such close proximity to two dozen dildos, so I moved the boxes to another area of the house.

However, as I was getting ready to move the boxes, I noticed something. Remember that time I reviewed the very life-like Nick Hawk Dildo – wasn’t that hilarious? (“Err, you mean disturbing Simone?! I’m still having nightmares about that thing!”) Well, as I was rearranging a couple of the toys, I picked up the Nick Hawk dildo to dust it off and I saw that it had changed colour. There were now a couple of purple-ish blue spots spreading out along the shaft. Gross.

I have no idea what happened. I clean my toys profusely with antibacterial toy cleaner after each use, so my only guess is that it somehow rubbed up against something in the toy box – what, I’m not sure since most of the toys in that box are pink – or, that the dye in one of it’s very prominent veins burst somehow. Either way, AHHHHHH! SHUDDER.

(I’d take a photo of it for you guys but seriously, no one needs to see that.)

Repulsed and still in shock, I wrapped it up into a bag and vowed to deal with it as soon as Abby had gone back to Vegas.

WHERE DO YOU EVEN DISPOSE OF A GIANT, LIFE LIKE, MODEL PENIS? These are the kind of questions that haunt me on a daily basis (see: “sex blogger problems”). In the meantime, that weird, rubbery smell I noticed when I initially reviewed the dildo, had begun to permeate my whole toy box. Um, can anyone say EWW?

I recently read the book  Girl Walks into a Bar . . .: Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle
by comedian & SNL alum, Rachel Dratch. FYI, I love Dratch and the book is a fun read if you love female comedians like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Anyway, there’s a chapter called “With All Due Respect to Edgar Allan Poe” in which Dratch tells the story of a red vibrator she received as gift from an ex, that she’d been meaning to throw since the break-up. When contractors arrive to renovate her bedroom and she remembers the dildo still stashed away in her top drawer, she begins to have Poe-like visions of it vibrating within the top drawer of her dresser (“Hark! Louder! Louder! It is the buzzing of the Telltale Dildo!“)

You guys, I have my own Telltale Dildo situation on my hands. Although I know it doesn’t vibrate, I keep on imagining it in the toy box, pulsating as it mutates into a rainbow of different colours. When something that once turned you on starts to resemble sour cream that’s been left in the fridge too long, it’s very unsettling. I knew it was time to send this dildo up to the big old sex toy collection in the sky.

Despite it’s short service, Joe the Intern  insisted we give the dildo a hero’s burial, which at Skinny Dip headquarters means wrapping it in pink tulle and chucking it into a dumpster. Joe the Intern saluted the dildo while this played heroically in the background.

As a side note, although the Nick Hawk dildo claims it’s free of phthalates, the dildo’s very chemical, intense rubbery smell has left me feeling uneasy. I have decided to contact Dildology – a non profit organization that tests sex toys and analyzes their chemical composition to see whether they are in fact body-safe. Although they won’t test previously used toys for obvious reasons (I would hate to work in that mail room), I’m hoping that by contacting them they’ll at least put the Nick Hawk dildo on their radar for future testing.

RIP Telltale Dildo. I hope that Nick Hawk’s real life junk is not as terrifying as you are. 

Review | Getting Real with Nick Hawk Gigolo

*Disclaimer: Unless you want to get labelled as the office pervert, this post contains some photos that may be deemed inappropriate for work. 

You guys. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a very long time. I’m hopelessly in love with the Showtime reality series Gigolos. If you haven’t seen it,  Gigolos provides an “extremely rare and uncensored look into the personal and professional lives of five hot guys in Vegas who like to hang out, have fun and get girls, but in their case they get paid for it.” Yes, Gigolos is a reality show about male escorts living in Sin City and it’s so horrible, it’s actually kind of amazing. It has everything you hope and wish for from reality TV: Sex, Cat-Fights, Spray-tans, blatant prostitution. What more could you ask for? It’s OK, you’re free to judge me all you want. My love for Gigolos is a personal shame I live with everyday.

Above is the gang from season 1-2: Jimmy (the sensitive one, who is undergoing an existential crisis), Vin (the laid back, token black dude who claims he’s a feminist), Steven (the single dad who I’m pretty sure is Gay), Brace (the orange guy who claims he’s in his 40’s but I suspect is actually 85 & lying to us) and of course my favourite – Nick, the cocky inked up guy with dreams of becoming a rapper. What did I tell you? IT’S REALITY TV GOLD. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Questionable raps aside (you can watch his video here. OMG), Nick is pretty hot and I have a serious soft spot for dark haired guys with tattoos. If you read his bucket list, it’s strangely endearing and includes things like “see The Lion King on Broadway” and “own a wolf”. Don’t we all Nick, don’t we all. Anyway, the big news is that Nick recently launched his own line of sex toys.

When California Exotics asked me if I’d be interested in reviewing something from the Nick Hawk GIGOLO line as part of their Cal Exotics  Certified Sexpert Program, I couldn’t resist. The Nick Hawk GIGOLO line includes everything from vibrators, penis pumps and fuzzy handcuffs to a blow-up doll (ha!). As you may have noticed, most of the sex toys I review here tend to be very pretty, brightly coloured objects. For this review I wanted to try something completely different, which is how I ended up with the Nick Hawk GIGOLO Genuine Cast Dildo.

Warning: NSFW Photos after the jump.

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