Dating Archives - Page 17 of 22

…or at least wants to be one.

Let me start at the beginning:

One of the very few things I miss about working in an office is having a paid lunch break. When you work for yourself and freelance no one pays you to take time out of your day to eat a sandwich. It’s sad but true. Although I was usually too busy at my old job to not eat my lunch in front of my computer, I always made sure I left the building for at least 30 mins everyday – either to go for a walk or read at a coffee shop. I needed that 30 mins to clear my head so I could re-group and be productive for the rest of the afternoon. Recently I decided to start taking lunch breaks again. This usually involves walking down the street to the Hipster coffee shop to have a coffee and read my novel about hot California surfers for a bit. Forcing myself to take a break has made me more productive. It’s also given me a chance to “interact with the locals” which, as always, makes for some interesting blog fodder.

The other day I went up to the counter to order my usual and had the following conversation with the cute, Hipster-ish, barista. I was staring off into space when he said to me:

“So how are you?”

(me, startled out of my daydream): “I’m good. How are you?”

“Great! I’m getting off work soon!”

“That’s nice. Well, it’s a gorgeous day outside, so enjoy!”

“It’s going to be a nice bike ride home”

“Yep!”

“I can’t wait to get home and just strip off my pants and run around my yard naked”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, I mean you said it was a nice day, so I figure it’s a good day to just be naked. You know because nice days mean STREAKING WEATHER! Ha ha! Yeah, you know just running around free, with everything hanging out there! Dancing around in the yard! It’s going to be awesome”

“Ok, well, good luck with all that”

“Do you think by telling you all this stuff about me being naked it qualifies as sexual harassment?”

“Um?”

“I mean, not towards you….I mean, do you think I’m sexually harassing my co-workers? Because now they’re probably all picturing me naked and you know, that’s not really a sexy image because I don’t have a nice body.”

“Um, I don’t know? Maybe you should ask your coworkers?”

“Ok, great! Will do. Have a nice day!”

I grabbed my green tea and high tailed it out to front the patio. However, as soon as I sat down I noticed Nye in his signature soccer uniform barreling down the street towards the coffee shop so I quickly grabbed my stuff, put on my dark shades and headed to the back patio before he saw me.

Fifteen minutes into my tea drinking & novel reading session I hear Nudie Barista’s voice coming from just inside the door to the patio. He’s talking to his coworkers:

“Hey, do you guys think me talking about running around naked is sexual harassment? Because I bet you’re all picturing it”

AHHHHH!

When it comes to single guys in this city – THIS IS WHAT I’M WORKING WITH PEOPLE.

Clearly, my little Hipster coffee shop is a hub for freaks. That, or as I initially suspected, everyone is stoned (which is a very real possibility considering I smelled Marijuana smoke drifting out of the kitchen door while I was enjoying my afternoon tea. Jesus, where am I living?!)

I should probably also mention that the young gent was dressed like he just stepped off the set of Gilligan’s Island, which seems to be the look de rigeur for guys in my neighbourhood.

Gilligan: the original Hipster?

The upside to this whole interaction is that at least I can say with certainty that I’m not the most awkward person on the block. Also I should probably be relieved that he didn’t try to hold a door open for me or accidentally burn me with a cigarette, so there’s that.

So, this happened tonight:

I was walking out the automatic door of the supermarket, when this guy standing on the sidewalk called out to me:

“Hey! I was going to hold the door open for you”

“Why? It’s automatic”

“In case you got hurt”

“Why would I get hurt walking through the door?”

“It could happen”

As I walked away briskly, I could hear him calling him after me:

“Waiiiiiiiit Missssssss. The dooooooooooor”

Luckily I made it to the car, where my Mom and sister were waiting and we drove away.

Later, while I was contemplating all the different potential dangers involving doorways (smacked in the face with door? Catch foot in hinge of door? Purse strap amputation?), I decided to share the story with my Mom and sister.

As I started to describe the situation, my sister interrupted me and said,

“OMG, was it Nye?”

“Who the hell is Nye?!”

“He’s only the most annoying guy in the neighborhood. Was he short and wearing a soccer uniform?”

“Yes!”

“Did he follow you around the store first?”

“Come to think of it, yes. YES HE DID.”

After I finished telling the story, my sister responded by saying.

“Yep, that sounds like Nye!”

“Who is he?”

“Geez, Simone. I just told you. HE’S THE MOST ANNOYING GUY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD”

“Yeah, I get that but what makes him so annoying? I mean, besides the obvious.”

“He used to play on the neighborhood soccer team but I think he was acting weird, so he got kicked off the team. Now he just wears soccer gear all the time and crashes people’s house parties. He also used to babysit ______ ‘s kids but once I saw him accidentally burn one of them with a cigarette so, yeah, that’s not happening anymore”

“That’s a horrible story”

“Hey, I never said I had anything good to say about the guy”

So, there you have it. I finally met the most annoying guy in the neighborhood. It only took 8 months.

Thanks Friday the 13th! I knew you’d pull through with the blog fodder.

Happy Weekend xox

A few weeks before I went to Vegas I was sent a copy of Girl’s Guide to Depravity: How to Get Laid Without Getting Screwed by Heather Rutman. I’ve been dying to dig in to it and last night I was finally able to sit down and read it cover to cover.

About the book:

“Girl’s Guide to Depravity is a tongue-in-cheek handbook for the modern woman who’s ready to take back control, have a little fun, and do it without getting hurt. Like a down-and-dirty conversation with a depraved friend, this essential guide cuts out all the touchy feely bullshit and urges you to do something bad if it feels good.”

Heather Rutman is a formerly single (but now settled) woman who spent over a decade dating more than her share of the dicks and douchebags in Hollywood. Over the years, she was forced to develop her own philosophy on how to deal with them and Girl’s Guide to Depravity was born. Now that she doesn’t need the rules anymore Heather is passing them on to the next generation of depraved girls, who are looking to get laid without getting screwed.

Based on the blog and the Cinemax series of the same name, the entertaining, sometimes shocking, no hold barred book includes 55 rules, how-to’s, charts, quizzes and lots of hilarious, depraved tales about dating & mating in LA.

What to expect:

DEPRAVITY. Straight up. This book definitely lives up to it’s name. Follow the author and her friends as they drink endless “Xantinis” (Xanax washed down with a martini), pop Ritalin, stalk their crushes and have a lot of sex. I imagine if Chelsea Handler
had a literary threesome with Hank Moody and Barney Stinson, the result of this bourbon soaked union would be the Girl’s Guide to Depravity.

Keep in mind that the tips in Girl’s Guide to Depravity: How to Get Laid Without Getting Screwed will get you laid no-matter-what….and that means some of them are well, a little crazy (see rule #6 : “Where there’s a pill, there’s a way” and #16 “It’s not stalking if he says where he’s going to be“). If you’re actually going to follow all of the advice in this book, I suggest checking your shame and your conscience at the door with your panties.

You should also expect lots of F-bombs, lots of idiosyncratic lingo (ie. “Cuddle Rapist: Noun. A person who forcibly cuddles another without consent.”), lots of abbreviations (sometimes to the point of annoyance ie. ‘Gasm instead of Orgasm, ‘Gine instead Vagina etc.) and lots and lots of sex.

The Pros: This book is definitely highly entertaining and had me LOL-ing on several occasions. Many of the scenarios are completely over-the-top and there were many moments where I was like, “Did I really just read that?”

In a world where we are bombarded with magazine articles like, “How to get him to notice you” & “How to tell if he likes you”, and endless books and services designed to help us find true love, it’s kind of refreshing to read a book that completely throws the old “man pursues woman” formula out the window, and instead encourages women just go after what they want…especially, if all they want is a really good lay.

Although Rutman’s writing is often raunchy, I love that it’s completely unapologetic. While working as a TV producer and writer for NBC, ABC Family, Lifetime, VH1 and Sony, Rutman has managed to write a blog that’s been turned into a book which has been turned into a TV show. In other words, she’s managed to do what a lot of us bloggers dream of doing which is pretty, freaking, cool.

The Cons: There is a disclaimer at the beginning of the book that says “If you’re looking for some touchy-feely respect yourself and your body bullshit, call your mother” and it also warns, “Be fully aware that recreating some of the actions you’re about to read about may lead you to be a) punched in the vagina b) banned from the bar c) thrown in rehab d) arrested, or e) all of the above” (see rule #6 that talks about slipping Viagra into a man’s drink to get him in the mood) The book is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek. And, as I’ve learned from writing a tongue-in-cheek blog, some people just don’t get tongue-in-cheek. If you don’t enjoy this kind of humor you might just find this book offensive. With chapters like “If You Don’t Know His Girlfriend, She’s Not Your Problem” the book does contain some questionable advice, hilarious but still questionable – the kind of advice that is best taken with a grain of salt and maybe a shot of vodka.

If you would like to win your very own copy of Girl’s Guide to Depravity, I have an extra copy to give away to a reader!

To win:

1) Like Skinny Dip on Facebook.

2) Leave a comment to this entry once you’ve done this & let me know why you’d like to win.

(If you already like Skinny Dip on FB, awesome!)

I’ll pick a winner at random on Monday June 18th. Good Luck! xox

And on that note, I’m off to watch episodes of A Girl’s Guide to Depravity in big, greedy helpings.

When I hit my mid-twenties and most of my friends started to get married, I was suddenly thrown into the new, strange world of Bachlorette Parties and Bridal Showers. I learned very quickly that Bachlorette Parties involve lots of things shaped like penises. I never understood what wearing matching pink sombreros adorned with tiny, sparkly penises had to do with celebrating life-long matrimony, but that’s beside the point. When it was time to plan my friend’s Bachlorette party, I went with the equation I was familiar with, “Bachelorette = Penis” and during one last minute, frantic, after-work shopping shopping trip, I cleaned out my local sex shop‘s entire supply of penis shaped drinking straws. Worried that I might not fill the “Penis Quota” for the party, I may have also purchased some other things.

Smiling vacantly through the awkwardness.

No comment.

I enjoy a crowd surfing blow-up doll as much as the next person, but I’m relieved that “as we have matured, the parties have matured with us.” The days of exploding penis cakes and tequila shots have been replaced with sexy lingerie showers, fine champagne & more champagne.

Even though most of my wedding related celebrations no longer involve me doing handless shots at the bar (this only happens when I go to Vegas for blogging conferences), I still find the gift giving process a little nerve wracking. For those of you who need a few gift ideas (or maybe just want to treat yourself!) I’ve perused the EdenFantasys website and put together a list of bridal shower gifts that are sexy, fun, non-cheesy and affordable (none of which resemble a penis!)

1. The Booty Parlor Intimacy Love Kit. ($24)

This cute and chic gift set from Booty Parlor, includes two vials (a scented massage oil and water based lube), condoms (just in case) and (gasp!) a vibrating cock ring. I have vague margarita-hazed memories of having a conversation with another blogger when I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, hailing the benefits of vibrating cock-rings. The bottom line of the discussion was, “You don’t just buy a vibrating cock-ring for him…you buy it for you.” Ideal for a romantic couples night, the Booty Parlor Intimacy Love Kit is a great introduction into the wonderful world of adult toys and sexual enhancement products. Plus, everything is wrapped up discretely in their signature black and pink packaging so it’s not obvious what’s inside.

2. Coquette Mesh Thong with Lace Waist. ($8.99)

Last spring I attended my first lingerie shower. I noticed during the gift unwrapping that this style of thong was a huge hit! Buying underwear for someone else is tricky. If you buy something too small or too large, you risk making the person feel bad about themselves. This thong is great because it’s “one-size-fits-most”. The scalloped lace waistband is super stretchy and feels almost like you’re wearing nothing at all. I own a few pairs like this and I’m a big fan!

3. Light my Fire Massage Candle ($27.90)

A candle and a massage oil in one, The Light My Fire Massage Candle provides a relaxing and heavenly hot oil body massage experience, with the gentle scent of honey. Dribble some on your partner for massage or just enjoy burning it to set the mood. Made in France, the candle is 100% natural and preservative free (& comes wrapped up in fun, retro-inspired packaging!)

4. Lelo Tantra Feather Teaser ($23.99)

No boudoir is complete without a luxurious feather teaser like this one by Lelo. Even if you don’t use it all the time, owning something like this just feels totally bad-ass. Lelo is known for it’s luxurious, high quality (& often very pricey) sex toys. At $23.99 you can give a little bit of luxury without breaking the bank. Also, this feather teaser is rated on as one of EdenFantasys “Top 10 Flogging Toys” (ha!)

5. Booty Parlor pin-up shorts ($19.49)

Also made by Booty Parlor, this comfy, booty flattering panty is perfect for anyone who is obsessed with all things vintage and burlesque. I kind of just want to put these on and perform my own burlesque show in my bedroom (even if no one is watching.)

6. Dona linen spray, kissable body drizzle and body butter ($8.99 – $11.99)

Redefine the bedroom. Give your linens and sheets a sensual touch. Superfruit and Aphrodisiac-infused. Spice up your boudoir with allure.

Relax into a sultry mood with Dona light aphrodisiac infused oil blend that retains natural moisture of the skin.

8 Sexy Totally Non-Cheesy Bridal Shower Gifts

I may be biased towards these products because the packaging looks very similar to the Skinny Dip branding, but what really sold me on Dona’s collection of body products is that they include lots of natural ingredients and come in yummy fragrances like Mangosteen, Blue Lotus, Pomegranate, Acai and Camu Camu. Their linen spray, kissable body drizzle and body butter are all infused with aphrodisiacs to help set the mood.

7. Sex in the Shower Dual Shower Head ($42.99) and Knee Pads. ($9.99)

You know what sucks about shower sex? Getting cold! Unless you have one of those super giant shower heads (which most of us don’t), one of you always spends part of the sexy time freezing their butt off. The Sex in the Shower line has addressed this problem by creating a dual shower head, so you can focus on the sex and not on who’s turn it is to be under the water. Throw in a pair of their sexy knee pads (to prevent pesky “Tub Burn”) and you have a gift that is both sexy and practical. I would be totally psyched if someone bought me this. I’m being dead serious. No really, SOMEONE SHOULD BUY ME THIS.

8. Lelo Insignia Tiani 2 Couples Vibrator

Giving someone a vibrator as a shower gift has always struck me as slightly awkward like, “So, since you’re getting married, you’re going to need this.” If you’re going to go that route, why not get something that the couple can both enjoy?! The Lelo Insignia Tiani is a couple’s vibrator designed to be worn by the woman while making love (yes, you heard right!!) and includes a remote control that you can use to move through the different vibration settings. At $159, this is definitely a big ticket item however, I feel like with Lelo products you do get what you pay for. My Lelo Soraya is pretty much the. OMG. best. vibrator. ever. (review coming soon!) I would definitely consider adding this to my collection or getting it for my best friend when she gets married. It seems like it would be a lot more fun than a new set of pots and pans.

What are your thoughts on good/bad bridal shower gifts?

This post was sponsored by Eden Fantasys. I was given a gift certificate to fund my on-going obsession with lingerie and sex toys in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own because that’s just how I roll.

As I’ve mentioned before, there are several factors that make meeting people in Victoria difficult. First of all, there’s an exceptionally large population of Senior Citizens and Hipsters. The overabundance of white hair and flannel shirts often makes feel like you are living in the film Cocoon or an episode of Portlandia (or “Cocoon-Landia” – a scary hybrid of both) If you’re not looking to meet octogenarians, or someone who wears an excessive amount of plaid, your dating options are limited.

Welcome to Cocoon-Landia. Where fixed gear bikes and mobility scooters meet.

Added to that, it feels like I have already dated everyone in this city . Plus, I also suspect some people might be under the false impression that I am not in fact female. As part of my on-going inquest into the Victoria singles scene, I’ve come up with a new theory as to why dating just hasn’t happened for me here:

I’m living the life of a Senior Citizen.

Recent Vegas antics aside, since moving back here in November I have become a Golden Girls episode of one – minus all the pastel colored pantsuits.

How does one turn into an honorary Senior Citizen? Easy:

1. Move back in with your 63 year old mother, to a town, so full of retirees, it’s known as “Canada’s Jurassic Park”

2. Work from home so you can avoid making contact with people your own age.

3. Start planning your week around various Senior discount days.

Oh the discounts you get when you get older! Although getting older kind of sucks, you do get access to a lot of cheap stuff. (I’ve learned this while tagging along with my parents on their shopping trips.) This is how my week usually pans out:

MONDAY: Monday is Senior’s discount night at one of the movie theaters in town, which means it’s usually the night I go to the movies with my Dad. Sure, Monday is an odd night to go see a movie, but to quote my Dad this weekend when I asked him if he wanted to go see The Five Year Engagement with me: “I don’t want to break the bank and pay $10 to go to a movie on Saturday when I can pay $5 to go on a Monday, Simone.” Because my Dad always pays, he makes the rules. Sometimes, my Dad’s friend Ron comes along. Having no kids of his own, I think he’s excited to hang out with anyone who isn’t a Senior Citizen. Plus, I think they enjoy having someone to answer their questions like “Simone, yesterday I heard someone say “that’s just cray!” Is that the same thing as saying something is the bomb?” It’s a WIN/WIN situation.

TUESDAY: Senior Discount Day at Value Village. 30% off! My Mom and I usually go to check this out together because we both love treasure hunting. She’ll pick up interesting finds for her vintage store while I usually find a Michael Kors blouse that someone has managed to pass over. We’ll often run into my Dad’s friend Ron who I suspect (like me) also craves human interaction.

WEDNESDAY: Coffee date with best friend. Catch up on emails that I neglected while doing Senior activities.

THURSDAY: ARGH, FOOT PAIN! Go to mall to shop for comfortable walking shoes. While there, see a display for the Victoria Cactus club – not the bar, the actual club that grows cactuses. Consider joining.

FRIDAY: Check out weekly Church rummage sale with my Mom.

If you’re looking to really get down with the Senior Citizen lifestyle, I would also suggest eating dinner early. Like, really, really early. There have been several times that my Mom have gone for dinner at 4:15 pm and you know what? It’s been awesome. I’m always super hungry around 4pm anyways so why not just have dinner? What are you waiting for?! Eating dinner early means I can feel less guilty later when I indulge in a snack while watching Seinfeld re-runs with my cat (this is how most of my nights play out in case you were wondering.)

Surrounded by fabulous bloggers at Chateau nightclub in Vegas. I look kind of confused in this photo like I'm thinking, "This is all familiar, yet unfamiliar. What am I supposed to do again? Oh right. Vodka and Red Bull, meet mouth. Repeat.

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I’m Pretty Sure My Local Barista is a Nudist

The Most Annoying Guy in the Neighborhood – I Met Him!

The Girl’s Guide to Depravity + a Giveaway

8 Sexy, Fun, Totally Non-Cheesy, Bridal Shower Gifts

Living La Vida Senior Citizen

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