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Because this Needs to be Said:

I had this weird epiphany when I was in LA last week:

People are actually reading this blog & they are making judgments about my life & my writing.

I knew this would happen when I started publicly writing about certain aspects of my life online. However it didn’t really hit home until last week, when I received my first anonymous comment (see below)

“An interesting post. I’ve been reading your blog from the very beginning, but I’ve reserved comment until now.

Honestly, I think you have a certain talent, and your efforts have potential. Your themes are well-chosen, and you write with a type of candour that’s very appealing (let’s call it impulse, even unabashedness at times). Actually, it might be best to say that there’s a teasing element to the writing, a push to the precipice, then a quick withdrawal before too much is said without opportunity to retrieve.

Since your endeavour here is by its very nature open, I hope you don’t mind if I share some thoughts with you. First, there’s a level of aggression in your writing that could do with being tamed (not always, but sometimes). This post (the first “ex letter”) is good but your resentment clouds the more interesting things you allude to (e.g. how you felt when you were influenced to act contrary to your own tastes and interests, etc.). Your writing is much more successful when it tends toward the funny, or the perceptive, or, at times, the ironic.

Second, how about going topsy-turvy and revealing the shortcomings in your own character that have caused you to stumble? And I mean in relationships or family, not the triter facets of life. For example, it would be interesting to read of some of your experiences where the fault was not his but yours. Stories like these often seem more honest, more true to the notion of revelation.

Anyway, listen, I hope this wasn’t off-putting or ostensibly arrogant in any way. I think your work is great, and the whole Carrie Underwood meets the T-Dot thing works well. You’re obviously an interesting and engaging person, and I’m really looking forward to reading the rest of this project. If you have any questions or care to hear further insight, touch base via your blog”

I’m really glad that this person left this comment because I feel like they brought up some interesting points. I knew that by posting the first Ex-Boyfriend letter completely out of context, I was opening myself up to further feedback and questions. Namely WHY DID I DATE THIS GUY AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY DID I STICK AROUND? Here is a bit of background information in case you were wondering:

I think Stevie from Seattle said it best: “I was young and insecure”. I dated this guy 6 years ago, when I was 23. Up until I met him my dating rap sheet consisted of a variety of romantic disasters and experiences dating “Kermit types” (people I liked more than they liked me). This guy seemed so DIFFERENT. He was 12 years older than me, smart, nice, good job. Most importantly, he lavished me with attention and made it very clear from the beginning that he wanted us to be together. For someone who was not accustomed to this kind of attention, it was very, very flattering. It feels really good to be wanted and needed.

We all want to be loved/liked. With that said, being 23-24 was a very confusing time. I had just graduated university, and was taking my first foot steps in “the real world”. Although I had a pretty good idea of who I was as a person, I was completely confused about what I wanted to do with my life. Now, imagine someone comes along who is older, and seemingly wiser and decides you take you under their wing. One minute they are telling you how wonderful and beautiful you are and the next, they are telling you that in order to fit in with this real world you need to change things about yourself, that your interests and parts of your personality aren’t appropriate or suitable. It’s very, very confusing especially when you are young and confused about so much already. Although I had dated alot, I had very little actual relationship experience. I listened to him at first because I thought this was what people meant when they said you had to “compromise” in a relationship. I wanted him to continue to like me, so I started bending, changing or silencing little things about myself. But its a slippery slope: I kept bending and bending and bending until finally I realized I wasn’t really me anymore. I felt so utterly and completely lost during this period of my life. As much as he never stood up to his friends, I never stood up to him. When I realized what had happened I was mostly just mad at myself.

Just to clarify: I don’t think The Guy from Letter #1 is a bad person. We just were searching for different people. Both of us made the mistake of dating each other. I’m sure If I’d had the self-confidence and self-awareness I have now back then, things probably would have gone a lot differently. Instead, I ended up learning a lot from this experience:

1) ALWAYS BE YOURSELF. LIVE BOLDLY AND COLOURFULLY . The right person will like you just as is. Vice versa, if you find you’re always trying to change someone, you probably don’t love them for who they really are.

2) If something doesn’t feel right, its probably because it isn’t right. If something bothers you, SPEAK UP. I never stood up to that guy because I just didn’t want to “cause problems”, but in the end the only person who suffered was me. Now I say what’s on my mind. Just ask BF. He gets an earful every day. (He also does the same with me and I think that’s what keeps us together-4 years and counting)

After I broke up with Guy from Letter #1 a lot of awesome things happened: I started to do really well at my job, I built up a great social network, and most of all I really embraced who I am (bright colors, rap music, animal print & all). All of this lead me to meet the person I am with today (BF).

So, here are my comments for you Anonymous Commenter:

If you think I’m trying to assign Blame to the guys I dated, you’re obviously missing the point of this blog. Most of these situations are 100% my fault. Meaning, I CHOSE to date people who were totally wrong for me. I’ve obviously made some huge mistakes in my love life. But, haven’t we all? I think Julie Klausner says it best in her book:

“I wrote these stories strewn with romantic collateral damage because I think they’re funny now that I’ve stopped crying, and because I’ve learned things from them I hope will resonate with women [or men] who’ve snacked on similarly empty fare when it comes to guys [or girls]”

I’m writing about my mistakes, with a touch of humor because I’m ready to laugh about them and let them go. I’m hoping that other people who have made similar mistakes will read the blog, and do the same.

As for the “level of aggression” in my writing: I’m not trying to write a Pulitzer winner. I’m not even trying to be a journalist here. I’m just trying to write a PERSONAL BLOG that is true to my feelings and experiences. I’m not always happy, I’m not always funny, sometimes I’m straight up angry. I’m not interested in being “tamed”, especially in my own personal blog space. Read the letter again: I’ve been there, done that. This is me, ugly scars, anger, resentment and all. If any of this doesn’t work for you or you feel the content of the blog is too “trite” then maybe this just isn’t the blog for you. Maybe you’d enjoy reading something that is more journalistic in nature.

This blog is still relatively new. I haven’t fully determined the scope of subjects I’m willing to talk about yet. Currently, I’m writing a lot about my past romantic entanglements, because that is what I have to get off my chest right now. However, this blog has already changed a lot since I first started it and I’m sure it will continue to evolve, as I do as a person. If you’re still interested in reading, I hope that you stick around for the process!

With that said, I’m DYING to find out what I have in common with Carrie Underwood. I’m honestly drawing blanks. I’m not a blonde, I’m not into country music, I don’t have giant sparkling white teeth and I’m definitely not America’s Sweetheart.

Please enlighten me!! I’m dying of curiosity over here!!!



{PS. Today’s photo was taken last week in Santa Monica, CA. in front of a small liquor store/bodega. I love how in California some of the liquor stores also sell condoms. I think the Americans are on to something…}

How do you feel about your own personal blog space?



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