Skinny Dip, Author at Skinny Dip

One of the things people have asked me most often over the years is: how do I get the confidence to start dating again? Let’s be real, breakups not only can leave your heart battered, they can also be a blow to your confidence and self-esteem. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, it may seem like I fearlessly go from one relationship or situationship to the next, but that’s far from reality. I rarely blog in real time, so often there’s months between a breakup and when I get the nerve to get back on the proverbial horse.

Getting your dating mojo back doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a journey. Here’s a few things that have helped me over the years.

Heal what needs healing.

Even if it’s been a while since your last relationship ended, there’s always emotional stuff that comes up. In my experience, taking the time to reflect, process and heal these sore spots before you start dating again is never a bad idea. This could involve journalling, making art, taking a personal development course, working with a life coach, talking to a licensed therapist (something I’m a huge proponent of!) or working with another kind of healing professional.

Do things that make you feel good in your body.

I have the tendency to get stuck in my head a lot, so taking time to reconnect with my body is something I try and prioritize (whether I’m dating or not). Confidence is all about how you feel. When I move my body, the endorphins flow and I focus less on how my body looks and more on the cool stuff it can do. Whether it’s running, doing a barre class, yoga, using your favourite sex toys or having an epic bedroom dancing session, find what kind of movement feels good to you & go for it.

Pamper yourself.

I’m also a big fan of getting a beauty treatment (or something done) after a breakup and before re-entering the dating scene. Note: you don’t need to change how you look to be a confident dater, but I find sometimes doing the smallest things (getting a haircut, a pedicure or heck, even a new tattoo or piercing) can give you an extra pep in your step.

For example, I recently had a couple of skin tags removed from the base of my neck. I’ve had them for a while and they’ve always bothered me. But it wasn’t until I was on a date recently and the guy actually tried to pull one off (“hey, you have some fluff on your neck. Let me get that!”) and I had to tell him that “uh, that’s actually attached to my body,” that I decided to have them removed for good. Not only does my neck feel ridiculously smooth now, I also (hope) I’ve helped prevent future awkward moments. Skin tugging = not sexy.

(Sidebar: I used to be very anti cosmetic surgery + treatments, but as I get closer to 40 I’ve become a lot less judgemental. I have several friends who’ve had facial surgeries and cosmetic treatments to reduce the signs of aging & they’re happy, bad-ass women who still very much look like themselves. Next time I’m in LA, I may even swing by Dr. Binder to get an anti-aging treatment of my own. At the end of the day, it’s your body. Do whatever you want for you, not for anyone else).

Update your wardrobe.

When you look good, you feel good. Go through your wardrobe. If it doesn’t fit or you don’t feel good in it, donate it. You don’t need a whole new wardrobe to re-enter the dating scene, but it helps if you have a few pieces that you feel comfortable in. Instead of always scrambling before a date, I like to have one or two go-to date outfits preplanned. For example, my go-to fall/winter look is a black dress, tights, ankle boots and a leather jacket. Done.

Take your time.

When I first re-entered the dating scene after ending a long term relationship (which involved venturing into the world of dating apps for the first time ever), I mistook “not terrible” for “good.” Figure out how you want to feel in your next relationship (for example, safe, supported, respected). If you don’t feel that way with someone, give yourself permission to walk away.

Be kind to yourself.

RuPaul always says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else!” And while I do think this is true to a certain extent, I think it fails to acknowledge that self-love is a process. Just because you’re still working on it, doesn’t mean that you’re not deserving of love & respect from the people you date. (I used to think that people treated me poorly because I didn’t love myself enough, but the reality is that some people are just crappy. That’s their problem, not yours. End of story.) You’re worthy of being treated with respect, just the way you are. When you remind yourself of this on a regular basis and cultivate a strong sense of self (regardless of where you are on your self-love journey), rejection doesn’t feel so bad.

When I first started this blog in 2009, I was 29. I knew I eventually wanted to write professionally and publish a book. I also had lot of emotional baggage I needed to write my way through. This blog served me well and provided a place for me to write about breakups I’d kinda-sorta-not-quite-healed-from, share bizarro dating stories, talk about sex and (hopefully) make you guys laugh as I journeyed into the world of comically strange products. I wrote openly about my mental health and experiences with heartbreak. I rode the wave of balls-to-the-wall personal blogging, until, well, things changed.

The internet landscape changed (with Instagram taking the place of deeply personal blogging), but I changed too. I always tell people that I chose the blog name Skinny Dip because it’s good metaphor for sharing your life on line. When I started blogging, I wanted to strip away outer layers of myself; shed my figurative skin if you will, in hopes that I would eventually arrive at the most “me” version of myself. Ten years ago, I felt so full of angst and feelings that I couldn’t envision a time in the future when I wouldn’t have things to get off my chest in a very public way. But then I arrived at that point.

The stuff I needed to let go of got let go of. Sex blogging stopped feeling fun and I started to save my time, energy and juicy stories for my book. But then, even book writing became challenging.

The problem with shedding your skin is that eventually you reach a point where you hit actual flesh and bone. It’s raw. It’s tender. It’s uncomfortable. Self-preservation kicks in and you instinctually tell yourself to pull back.

This is basically the point I reached sometime in 2018. After nearly ten years of personal blogging and several years of working on a book project (and watching it shift & transform) I hit a wall. I was suffering from a vulnerability hangover that I had no cure for. So, I switched my focus to travel writing and went on a bazillion work trips. Okay, it was more like seventeen — nearly half of which were to Mexico — but still, it was a lot. I needed a break and travelling provided that.

While I’m super grateful to have travelled so much over the past two years and have no plan to abandon travel writing (or blogging) any time soon, eventually my “break” started to feel like I was running away. In my gut I know its time to slow down and get to work.

The idea of “time” is something that’s been on my mind obsessively for the past few months. How should I spend my time? Is it better to go with the flow? Am I better served by sitting still and doing the work? These are questions that have been on my mind obsessively since I turned 39 in September.

Looking ahead at 40 is such a weird feeling. On one hand, I’m much happier and in a better place mentally than I was at 29. I’ve also accomplished some major goals and had some amazing opportunities. On the other hand, there’s still so much that feels…in progress. Things that (society tells me) I should have checked off by now just aren’t. While my friends are closing on houses and renting out a gender reveal smoke cannon to honour their third kid (yes, that’s a thing), I’m here — still single, still living at the same spot, still working on a book that isn’t quite finished yet. I’m happy and healthy but all the external stuff that I just assumed I would have taken care of by now — the fat bank account, the home, the committed relationship with plenty of hot sex –are still works in progress.

It’s so easy to let my thoughts spiral into an anxiety-driven maelstrom start thinking of the what-ifs. What if things never work out? What if I fail? I’m neutral on children, but what if I never even get the chance to veto a gender reveal cannon because I end up ALONE, BROKE AND LIVING IN MY MOM’S BASEMENT FOREVER. While there’s literally no evidence that any of the above will happen, the FEAR takes me to some really dark places (literally. Hello, Mom’s basement?)

(I have a friend/colleague who’s in a similar situation and I was joking with her that maybe because we’ve spent our thirties sorting out our internal selves & living our lives on our own terms (with plenty of freedom), that we’ve preempted a 40-something mid-life crisis where we go out and randomly buy a speed boat to fill some kind of deep emotional void. Here’s to hoping!)

I know my writing has the greatest impact — both for myself and others — when I allow myself to be vulnerable. But guys, I’m kind of fucking scared to dig into that tender flesh. Every day I have moments where I think of just escaping (saying yes to a press trip, running off to visit a friend, etc) just so that I don’t have to sit down and feel the things I need to feel so I can write the things I know I have to write.

So, while I work my way through to the other side of this vulnerability hangover, I’m reclaiming this space for my writing. While I can’t promise a return to the no-holds-barred blogging days of yore (in fact, it likely won’t look anything like 2009 or even 2013), I do plan writing things that feel honest, true and (ahhh) vulnerable, while I work through all these feels.

Maybe people will read. Maybe they won’t. But if you’re interested in following this journey, you know exactly where to find me.

Although I’ve been known to rail against the (ahem) “aesthetic choices” of single men in Victoria and have questioned whether my hometown really is one of the best cities for dating, when it comes to actual date night spots, it’s actually pretty great thanks to an abundance of gorgeous scenery and a thriving indie food & beverage scene.

If you’re looking to impress your date and/or want somewhere cool to hang out that isn’t a coffee shop or the beach (please, stop asking me if I’d like to “grab a coffee and go for a walk on the beach” for the 500th time) here are some date night spots in Victoria, BC that have been tried and tested by yours truly.

1. Little Jumbo.

If you visit Victoria, there’s a 95% chance I will take you to Little Jumbo — a small tucked away bar and restaurant that has a locals-only vibe. There’s a couple of reasons for this. For starters, it’s cozy and romantic (but still casual enough for a spur of the moment drink or laid back night out with friends), the ever-rotating cocktail menu is phenomenal and the food is delicious. Come for a cocktail or beer, stay for the truffle fries and leg of lamb (incredible).

2. Stage Wine Bar.

This is another of my go-to date spots. Whether its the first date or the 50th, you can’t go wrong with Stage Wine Bar. The high ceilings, exposed brick and candlelit tables give the place an urban, casually romantic feel. Naturally, they have a huge selection of wines, with glasses starting at around $6 (something thats becoming a rarity in Victoria, unfortunately). Plus — acoustics wise, it’s a lot quieter than the Fernwood Inn (the pub located across the street).

3. Clive’s Classic Lounge.

At first glance, this place looks like your stereotypical, slightly old-school hotel bar. However, inside you’ll find a selection of world-class, award winning cocktails. A local favourite, this is the perfect spot for a cozy drink with a date or a small group of friends. Oh, and they have a happy hour.

4. Ferris’ Oyster Bar.

A local Victorian institution, Ferris’ has a great menu (OYSTERS!) and a cute garden patio that’s perfect for casual (but nice) date night. If you want to get a bit more fancy, upstairs they have their “Upstairs” seafood & oyster bar (which is one of my favourite places to go for a special occasion) and their sister restaurant Pero Negro, which serves delicious tapas.

5. Bodega & Poco

Both of these bars/tapas joints are small, stylish and located in Trounce Alley — separated by another Victoria institution The Tapas Bar. While the Tapas Bar is great, it can get a bit noisy inside if you’re not able to secure a place on the patio. From what I understand, they’re all owned by the same company but each menu offers something slightly unique. Try one or hop between all three.

6. The Drake.

Looking for somewhere a bit more casual? Love craft beer? Head to the Drake. This lively spot features West coast craft beers and casual eats in historic Market Square. Also, compared to some of the other options on this list, it’s super affordable — making it a perfect first date spot, for when you want something nicer than a dive bar but still want to keep things fun and casual. FYI, they also serve cider and a handful of gluten free food options.

7. Chorizo and Co.

This is what happens when two guys who used to manage your favourite bar decide to open their own bar; completely revamping the previous iteration of Chorizo and Co. I love this little spot on Fort street. The cocktails and wine list are awesome, as is the small plates menu (perfect for impromptu date-night nosh). It’s also located a few blocks off the usual beaten path, giving the place a sense of intimacy. Like Stage, it’s stylish and low-key romantic. However, because C & C is still relatively new, you’re less likely to run into everyone you know there.

At some point I’ll put together a full post of my favourite “romantic restaurants” in the city (because people are always asking me for recs!), but in the meantime here are a few that are sure to be hits:

Where are some of your favourite date night spots in your city?

Somewhere over the course of 2018, I evolved from being a sex and relationship writer to also writing about travel. I travelled more than I ever could have imagined over the past year (guys, I was not planning on taking 20+ flights). Over the course of a month and a half, I went to New York City –> Puerto Vallarta –> New York City –> St Lucia –> New York City –> Home –> San Francisco –> Home. As much as I enjoyed all this travel, by the time Christmas rolled around I was exhausted. Travelling that much in such a short time took a toll on my body in unexpected ways — both internally and externally.

My skin was dehydrated (I looked and felt haggard), my hands were parched (dry, cracking knuckles are not a good look) and my usually rock hard nails were splitting and breaking off at a shocking rate (the product of lugging & pulling suitcases through airports). I was also exhausted and wanted nothing more than to curl up at home with a book.

(THESE ARE THE THINGS INSTAGRAM DOESN’T SHOW YOU)

Luckily, the Universe conspired and hooked me up with some helpful products to help get me back to feeling like myself.

So, if you’re feeling worn out, beaten down or just want to add a little something-something to your daily routine, here are a few things that worked for me (PS. all products are clean, natural and CANADIAN which makes me so, so happy!)

Sproos Collagen

Did you know that our body stops producing collagen after the age of 25? Neither did I. Collagen is the body’s most abundant protein – it’s found in our skin, muscles, bones, blood vessels, digestive systems and tendons. Sadly, our body’s natural ability to produce collagen wanes with age, which can lead to chronic health issues like joint pain, digestive issues, low mood and dull, dry skin. It was actually another travel writer I met in St Lucia that suggested I add a collagen supplement to my diet.

While the folks at Sproos sent me a bunch of different flavoured collagen supplements to try, it’s actually the grass fed collagen powder that I prefer. Because it’s unflavoured, I can just add it in to my usual morning smoothie. After taking it for awhile, I noticed that my skin seemed healthier and less dry.

Sibu Sea Buckthorn (Omega 7 supplements)

I’m a big fan of treating dry skin from the inside out, so I was excited when the team at Sibu offered to send me a selection of their Sea Berry Therapy products to try. Sea buckthorn is a superfood found abundantly in the Himalayas that has been proven for centuries to aid in general health and anti-aging. The ancient Greeks would actually feed it to their horses, noticing their animals’ hides becoming more glossy and lustrous (thanks to the rich concentration of omega-7). Hey, if it’s good enough for ancient Greek horses, it’s good enough for me!

While I tried the Omega 7 support capsules and Sea-Berry seed skin oil, it was actually the Omega 7 Pure liquid supplement that I enjoyed the most. Omega-7 Pure is 100% pureed Sea Berries (Sea Buckthorn), and nothing else…no water, no preservatives, no artificial anything. It tastes like a super thick, fragrant yet sour juice (think: extra tart cranberry). It’s not the easiest to drink, but I found one shot a day gave me a boost and helped rehabilitate my dehydrated skin. So, maybe those ancient Greeks were onto something?

1’Luxe Hand and Body Lotions

Created by Sina Zere and Brandon O’Neill, the 1’Lux Beauty collection is made up of clean, chic body and lip care products that are all zero-tox and designed for harsh Canadian winters (think: ultra moisturizing).

I was very generously gifted the entire 1’Luxe line. So far the products I’ve tried and fallen in love with include the Velvet Mitts Hand and Nail Cream and The Velvet Drops Botanical Body Lotion. Super moisturizing without feeling greasy, I’m not sure what else to say about these two except they actually work. They both smell amazing (like almonds and a hint of vanilla) and the hand cream has made my troublesome iguana hands look & feel more human.

Earth Luxe Quiet Night In Kit

As I mentioned above, over the holidays I was all about staying in and having quiet time (TBH, this is kind of my default mode as of late). I’ve made a conscious effort to make my bedroom feel as peaceful and spa-like as possible, and this Earth Luxe Quiet Night In Kit definitely helps.

While I’m not entirely sure if the salt lamp is actually doing anything, it looks cool and I *feel* like the air is fresher in my bedroom after I’ve left it on for a while. Also, the candle and handmade soap smell so incredible that I haven’t had the heart to actually use them. Instead, I keep them tucked away in my lingerie drawer where I periodically remove them (so I can press them up to my nose and inhale deeply because I’m a giant weirdo)

Saje Wellness Pocket Farmacy

This pocket pack of essential oil blends from the folks at Saje wellness is a godsend! As someone with anxiety, I enjoy this collection when I’m on the road and while at home. Gross airplane got you feeling icky, roll on some immune blend. Gluten making you feel gross? The Eater’s Digest (love the name) can help. Feeling restless before a flight or because you ended up in a janky AirBnB situation? I recommend using the Stress Release blend to help you sleep. You get the point! This adorable collection is chock full of useful essential oils and is perfect for people like me who are *just* dipping their toes into using oils.

What products do you use to recover after travelling and/or stressful life moments?

Disclaimer: I received all of the products above free of charge in exchange for my honest review.

A few years ago, I wrote a post about all the things I regretted buying in 2016 (& the things I didn’t) and it ended up being one of my most popular posts at the time. I’m always curious about other people’s spending habits, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to be transparent about mine.

Here’s what I regret spending money on last year.

This bathing suit.

I ordered this BCA Romance One-Piece from Nordstrom before my first trip to Mexico. It’s adorable, right? Well, it runs small. Very small. I ordered a size up as per customer reviews, but it still ended up being on the small side. I brought it to Mexico anyways because it was too late to return it & I figured I’d just rock it. I wore it once and have the photo to prove it. While it looks okay in the photo, all the cut-outs and stringy bits made me feel like a tied ham baking under the sun. ALSO, I’ve learned that one-pieces aren’t the most practical when you’re at a resort drinking a lot (water or alcohol) and making regular trips to the facilities — unless you love the feeling of peeling off a wet bathing suit every half hour… which I don’t. Lesson here: don’t order a pricey bathing suit online unless you’ve tried it on first.

(Or you can buy cheap bathing suit online here)

A weird stick on strapless bra that I bought from an Instagram ad.

It was late at night. The ad for the mysterious but alluring adhesive push-up bra had appeared on my Instagram feed at least 100 times that week. I’ll admit, part of me wanted to order it just to see if it was actually real. Spoiler alert: stick on bras are very real and they feel awful on — at least to me. It felt like my lingerie had been attached to my body with one of those sticky hand toys that I remember from the toy cupboard at the dentist (I had a neon yellow one). I’ve since learned that I feel way more comfortable and sexy just going bra-less if the outfit requires it. If I want some extra coverage, I use silicone nipple covers.

Fast-fashion for everyday clothes.

While stores like H&M, Forever 21 and Marshall’s are a godsend when it comes to finding super cute pieces for vacation and press trips to the Caribbean, I didn’t have much luck buying everyday stuff at fast-fashion retailers in 2018. Everything I purchased either didn’t match other things in my closet (red satin bomber jacket with floral pattern, I’m looking at you!) OR had quality issues (I am very hard on my clothes & I can’t explain why). I’ve realized when it comes to my everyday wardrobe, I’m happier when I spend a little bit more and just stick to really simple basics.

Professional memberships that I never use.

Media Bistro is a great resource…if you use it. Last year I forked out the money for a membership and literally used the site twice. I also didn’t renew a few other professional memberships because I’m simply not making use of them at this time.

Struggle tours.

Someday I’ll share the story of that time I went to see Nelly perform in 2018 (yes, you read that correctly), but for now let’s just say that’s money and an hour of my life I’ll never get back.

Now for the things I don’t regret! Considering I took over 25+ flights in 2018, it’s no surprise that many of my favorite purchases are travel related.

Here’s what I don’t regret spending money on in 2018:

Sturdy luggage.

Over the course of the year I managed to annihilate three separate suitcases (1 soft duffel bag and two hard-shell suitcases), all of which had to be replaced by the airline. Finally, I bit the bullet and splurged on a Travelpro soft side suitcase. It’s not anywhere as cute as my beloved leopard print hard shell (RIP!) but it’s super sturdy and comes with a lifetime warranty….which, clearly I’ll need.

Rolling Laptop Case/Under seat carry-on bag.

I have shoulder and back issues. I also work at local coffee shops and travel frequently with my laptop. Enter: the rolling lap top case that fits neatly under the seat of an airplane (did I mention I *hate* overhead compartment drama?!) Although I *wish* I could spring for this model by Tumi (I mean, it’s called The Simone and has pink lining), I just can’t justify the purchase at this point. Instead, I chose this anti-theft rolling bag by Travelon, which is similar in design and comes with a 5 year warranty, which I’ll need (because if this post has taught you anything, it’s that I will subconsciously find a way to destroy it).

Automatic withdrawals to my savings account.

This isn’t really a “purchase,” but I’m so glad I set up automatic withdrawals to my savings account in 2018. I used to struggle with saving, but now I don’t even have to think about it. Even if you’re only putting aside $5-$10 a week, you’d be amazed at how quickly it adds up. There’s a couple of different apps that can do this for you, but I use Mylo. I like it because it also gives you the option of rounding up your purchases & depositing the extra change in your savings account. I wish I’d started this YEARS ago, because it’s made me so much more zen about my savings efforts.

PS. If you want to sign up, feel free to use my referral link.

(Full disclosure: I’ll get a small bonus, which I promise I’ll put towards buying tiny things for Joe the Intern and other critical necessities.)

Levi 501’s.

After wearing stretch-denim almost exclusively for the past decade, I bought my first pair of non-stretch Levi 501’s this past year and don’t regret it at all. This is the first pair of Levi’s I’ve worn since high school. While the stiffness of the denim takes a while to get used to, they also have a structured, retro feel that I really like. I’ve worn these jeans at least a couple of times a week for a year and they’re yet to show any wear.

TDLR: They seem to be “Simone proof” and I’ve yet to destroy them.

A pair of high-end leggings for travel.

Technically, these were a gift from my Mom….a really, really great gift. Although I buy a lot of my workout wear from Marshall’s, I’m so glad I finally invested in two pairs of plain black leggings from Lululemon for traveling. I’ve always shrugged off Lulu, but 2018 turned me into a true believer. With other athletic leggings, I often experience chafing and sweating if I sit in them for too long (ie. at my desk or on a plane). However, these high-waist leggings hug me in all the right places. Perfect fit + amazingly comfortable fabric + less sweating = great for long days & nights of flying.

Travel and experiences.

Nelly concert aside, I rarely regret spending money on travel and experiences. While most of my travel in 2018 was work related, I did take some trips on my own, took a handful of tours (stay tuned for an upcoming post about NYC), went to a Broadway show and saw as many concerts as I could. Even if these experiences didn’t always go as expected, I still took something away from each of them. I can’t say the same about that adhesive bra (except maybe that I should never, ever order anything from Instagram late at night). The lesson here:

Experiences > Things.

How to Find The Confidence To Date Again