Skinny Dip, Author at Skinny Dip

When I was a tween I couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t be completely obsessed with Madonna. In my teens and early twenties I never thought I’d outgrow collecting CDs. In my later twenties, I yearned to own all of my favourite TV series on DVD. Now that I’m a 30-something, I listen to most of my music digitally or on vinyl, stream the majority of my media and my interest in Madonna has long since waned. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that change is the one constant in life.

This is all to say that when I started blogging about sex toys in 2010, I couldn’t picture a point in the future where I wouldn’t find receiving free sex toys and writing about them on the internet to be anything less than thrilling (#LIVINGTHEDREAM), but eventually that changed too.

Sometime in 2015 I started to experience major Sex Blogger Burnout (SBB?).

I’ll always be forever grateful for the thoughtful companies that provided products for me to review and the opportunity to explore my sexuality in the process, somewhere along the line reviewing sex toys stopped being fun and instead felt more like an overwhelming, stressful, obligation. I never really bounced back from the burnout and don’t foresee that happening, ever. Hence, the title of “semi-retired” and the steady drop off of adult product reviews. To quote my friend Casey who kindly made today’s blog graphic, “I’ve got 99 problems and somehow they’ve all got something to do with blogging.”

So, how does one end up with a serious case of sex blogger burnout? It starts with a cluster of First World Problems and ends with you wanting to throw a garbage bag of used dildos into the ocean, Dexter style. Let me explain:

Backlog is a bitch.

Nothing kills creativity like a waist-high pile of sex toys that you don’t want to write about. When my burnout reached a crescendo in 2015, I caught myself having thoughts like, “If I schedule a couple of masturbation sessions on X day and write 3.2 reviews per day, then I might be able to get through the pile by X date. But if we’re being real, I’d rather lay by the pool and read a book.” When masturbation starts to feel like a chore, what’s the point?

Welcome to Cardboard Box Mountain. It’s scarier than Space Mountain, but much less fun.

You guys, until recently this is what my garage looked like. Adult products are often excessively over-packaged – something that never sat well with me from an environmental standpoint. As my desire to write reviews began to dissipate, so did my desire to dismantle the boxes. So, I just left them. Forever. As I courted a spot on the next season of Hoarders.

The storage issues are real.

This is the cabinet where I house 95% of my toys. It’s now getting very, very full and I am completely running out of storage space for new sex toys.

Also, as we’ve seen with the iRide (below), some of the toys don’t even fit in the cabinet (or anywhere really). This makes Joe the Intern stressed AF.

I don’t know what to do with the toys I don’t use.

Two of those cabinet drawers are full of toys that are by definition duds. Bad vibrations. Bad design. Just “meh.” I want to dispose of them ethically, but where? My neighborhood hosts a plastic & electronics recycling event every month and while I generally lack shame in most areas of my life, I’m not exactly dying to run into my neighbours while wielding giant bags full of used dildos.

Not every toy can get a Viking Funeral like the iRide or a military send-off like this dildo.

My charger situation has become my own private hell.

I used to meticulously organize all the chargers for my rechargeable toys, but now I just stuff them in a drawer and hope for the best. The “best” is a tangle of electrical cords reminiscent of a scene from the movie The Hurt Locker.

There’s only so many things I can say.

I feel like I’m in the blogging equivalent of the Portlandia sketch where the Pitchfork employees declare, “that’s it! We’ve said everything there is to say about music!” There’s only so many things I can say about a vibrator, so it’s time to move on.

I’m kind of over talking about my vagina on the internet.

While I’m still down to periodically review products that I think are really cool like The Womanizer and showcase badass companies like Unbound, lately I’ve been craving more privacy. What originally felt liberating now feels kind of uncomfortable – even if I’m not talking about my own body. Can I list off the top male sex machines? Sure. But, do I still want to have these kinds of conversations in an uber public forum? Not really. I’ve realized that I can still show my vulnerability and connect with people through my writing without discussing my genitals.

Other people do it better.

I’m Ok admitting this. There are lots of other awesome, bad-ass female sex bloggers, who are amazing at what they do. For example, my friend Marvelous Darling manages to seamlessly combine writing about sex toys, beauty products & mental health, while Hey Epiphora is the Queen of writing snarky, hilarious, well-informed sex toy reviews. I also love anything that JoEllen Notte and Elle Chase write. Internet, you’re in good hands.

It no longer feels authentic.

This is the biggest one for me. Cardboard box mountains and Viking burials aside, writing about sex toys all the time just doesn’t feel like me anymore. While I have no qualms sharing products that I think are legitimately interesting & am always available to answer questions via email, I’d rather spend my time writing about dating, modern romance and the things I am passionate about like music and the art I’m into and my on-going obsession with California.

I have one more sex toy review scheduled (a toy that’s been on my bucket list for awhile!) and then we’ll see what happens!

Hey, remember when I wrote about dildos all the time? If you’ve been reading for a while, you may have noticed that there’s been a steady drop off of sex toy reviews over the past year. That’s because (following a bout of sex blogger burnout – it’s a thing, really) I made a promise to myself that I’d only review products that are really unique/amazing and/or totally absurd. Well friends, I have a toy that meets all three criteria. Meet the Womanizer W500: an amazing clitoral stimulator that just happens to have the worst name ever. The lovely folks over at Lovehoney sent me one for review and I’m actually super excited to share my findings with you.

Before I get started on the review, let’s take a moment to address the obvious:

The name is bad. Really, really bad. When I hear the word “womanizer” I think of some middle-aged white man who enjoys stepping out on his wife/girlfriend with Becky from accounting and Rhonda from marketing, while also furiously swiping on Tinder during bathroom breaks. We’ve all met this guy – maybe we’ve even been groped by him in the copy room – he’s a total dick and doesn’t deserve to have an orgasm machine named after him.

The design is a weird mix of Jersey Shore meets Golden Girls. There’s skulls. There’s leopard print. There’s lace. Any of these options look like they could be found in the nightstands of Snooki or Blanche (I like the think Rose favours the rose motif like I do. It’s weirdly feminine in a “I’m a 50+ year old from South Florida” so, just my style.) Each Womanizer comes encrusted with a Swarovski crystal – something I never needed or wanted from a vibrator and still don’t.

Ridiculous name and packaging aside, there’s a lot to love about the Womanizer. First of all, to quote Wayne’s World, “it certainly does suck.” Yes, the Womanizer uses suction – not just vibrations – to get you off. The Womanizer sucks and flutters your clitoris resulting in very quick, very powerful orgasms.

The Womanizer fits in your hand is made of 100% body safe materials with a silicone head that you can remove & clean after play. Press the crystal button to turn on/off and use the controls below to cycle through the different intensity settings. It’s also rechargeable – always a plus.

Already in it’s second iteration, the Womanizer has developed cult like popularity. Oh Joy Sex Toy’s Erica Moen describes it, as a “tiny clit blowjob machine” and says “it forces your clit to get a raging erection without the usual arousal lead up, it’s the closest I’ve ever empathized with having a spontaneous teenage boner.” (awesome image below via Oh Joy Sex Toy.)

And she’s right. This toy feels like nothing else I’ve ever tried. Because of this, it also takes a bit of getting used to. Unlike other clitoral stimulators, you have to place the head so that it surrounds your clitoris. I found this toy worked best for me while I was laying on my back, but you might have to play around a bit until you find exactly the right position (FYI, Elle Chase and Sunny Megatron did an awesome video review where they address this exact issue. It’s a must-watch if you’re considering this toy.)

Once you get used to it though, whoa. This toy delivers.

Even on the lowest setting, this toy is able to make me orgasm in about 30 seconds.

In fact, if you’re looking for a lengthly build up to your orgasm, don’t look to this toy. The Womanizer is more of a wham, bam, thank you ma’am kind of deal – at least it was for me. And boy, is it delightful.

The end verdict: I love the Womanizer. I’ve found myself reaching for it often over the past six months and it’s since become one of my go-to toys. The quality is excellent and it feels fucking fantastic.

However, here’s a few things to consider:

If you don’t like a lot of direct clitoral stimulation, this might not be the best toy for you. If you think this might be an issue, I would suggest reading Jo Ellen’s post about her experience with the Womanizer. I personally enjoy direct clitoral stimulation and usually crank my toys to their highest settings, but I actually prefer the Womanizer on it’s lower to mid-range settings. I find the higher settings are just too intense for me.

It’s not the quietest of toys. It doesn’t sound like a chainsaw, but it’s also not whisper quiet.

Would I recommend this toy? Definitely. After trying a heck of a lot of toys over the past 6 years, the Womanizer really does offer a unique experience. As long as you like the idea of having your clit directly stimulated, enjoy quick, powerful orgasms & are willing to play around with the positioning of the toy, I think you’ll love this one two.

My first review of 2017: two enthusiastic thumbs up!

Thank you to Lovehoney & Womanizer for providing this toy for review. I received the product free of charge in exchange for my honest opinion. All views are my own because that’s how I roll.

Years ago, I had this pervy boss who’d always say that his life philosophy was “work hard, play hard.” While this dude was definitely a super creep, his motto actually describes my 2016 quite well. While it goes without saying that 2016 was a flaming dumpster fire for the world as a whole, it was a good year for me personally. I spent a lot of time hunched over my laptop writing, but I also managed to find time to have fun – even if a lot of the time it was in small, quiet ways. I was intentional about my leisure time and spent more time travelling, seeing live music and chilling by the pool than partying my face off (thank god.) Also, for the first year since I started Skinny Dip, a lot of my favourite moments from the year played out on Instagram in lieu of the blog.

For the record though, here are my favourite posts from 2016:

2016, let’s recap some of the most memorable moments we spent together.

In January, I kicked off the month by investing lots of money in books and art work. This would be an on-going trend for the year. I also acquired my very first real human intern, Kaitlyn and she wrote about what to expect from your first boudoir shoot. I shared how drinking a smoothie every morning has changed my life and wrote a post about body acceptance where shared bathing suit photos (Ahhh!)

In honour of Valentine’s Day, in February I shared some of my favourite things to wear, watch, listen to and read and reviewed some lingerie that seriously made me want to stay in bed all day. I went to Vancouver for a weekend where I met the lovely Valorie (!!!) and met up with my best friend & her husband. I also wrote a post about how revisiting the past is one of my bad habits.

I kicked March off with an awesome psychic reading. I did a fun photo shoot feature with Folkalpoint magazine and shared some tips on how to style your bedroom when it’s also your office.

In April, I met a new writer friend, Danila and wrote a review of her book Too Much on the Inside where I reminisced about my time in Toronto. In April I finally booked my first solo trip to Los Angeles. But my excitement for the trip was made bitter sweet with the passing of Prince, which, let’s face it guys, hit me really hard.

May was all about Los Angeles! I went to see Gavin Turek (twice), saw Big Freedia in concert and watched Purple Rain on the big screen for the first time. I explored Downtown LA, hung out in Hollywood, walked the streets of Silverlake and fell deeper in love with Echo Park. I also spent a few days in Venice and Santa Monica soaking up the beach vibes. I went on a Latin American food tour of East L.A where I ate delicious things and visited a tortilla factory. I spent lots of days lounging by various pools and hanging out on the roof tops of West Hollywood. I hung out with Almie, Dorota, Jennifer and Kendra. I ate as many of LA’s best tacos as possible. It was truly magical and while I was there for almost 3 weeks, it still didn’t feel like enough time in the city!

Still processing Prince’s passing, in June I wrote about the 10 dating lessons we can learn from Purple Rain and shared what happens when your life becomes an Alanis Morissette song (two of my favourite posts of the year.) I also delved deep into the world of decor books. The highlight of June? Seeing Lauryn Hill live in Vancouver (!!!) – another bucket list concert crossed off the list.

In July I shared some of my favourite books, music & podcasts. I saw Gregory Porter live at Jazz Fest with my Mom, had a wonderful visit with my friend Trevor (aka one of my favourite people) and spent a lot of time poolside, because #summer.

In August I wrote about how I’ve cut back on drinking and started buying art instead and shared my experience watching feminist porn (I liked it!) One of the highlights of the month was going to the Queer Film Festival in Vancouver with my sister where we watched a screening of Strike a Pose and met Jose Xtravaganza, one of Madonna’s original back-up dancers, who was super nice & sweet.

September was my birthday month and I turned 36! I wrote about the 10 guys that I’d like to meet. I created the perfect reading nook in my bedroom/office and celebrated my birthday in style with a trip to Nanaimo for a spa day with my best friend, followed by cocktails with friends. I went to the Rifflandia music festival and shared some of the things I’d tell my 20-year old self.

October was all about staying busy to distract myself from the “fall bummers” (or seasonal depression as the rest of the world calls it.) I confronted the ghosts of boyfriends past, hung out at the Vintage Fair and tried the Unbound Box. My biggest accomplishment: creating this “Katy Purry” costume from scratch.

November. Ugh. I shared some of my tips for surviving the Trumpocalypse, but let’s be real – for most of us this month was a major bummer.

Which brings us to December! I didn’t really blog much this month, choosing instead to focus on work deadlines and holiday prep, but I did manage to make it over to Vancouver for a show. I stayed at The Burrard – a retro hotel after my own heart. I saw Andra Day live (she’s a goddess!) and then bumped into her while makeup shopping the next day. She was lovely & gracious. We talked about music, the Trumpocalypse and she gave me a big hug. It felt, well, very magical. I fell in love with the movie Moonlight and saw it twice in the theatre. I finished off the year with a quiet Christmas with my family & a decadent dinner at the Fairmont Empress.

What was your favourite (good) memory from 2016?

Anyone who’s ever shopped with me knows that I’m a sucker for a great gift store. The more quirky, handmade goods, the better. The Secret Agent learned this when we travelled to California last year, and I dragged him into every cute looking gift store from Venice to Palm Springs.

Usually I buy my gifts in brick and mortar stores, so my curiosity was peaked when UncommonGoods contacted me about their products. UncommonGoods is an online store that carries creatively designed products from emerging designers, seasoned artists and artisans working collaboratively in a low income countries. The result is an online community chock full of fun, quirky and beautiful made products that each come with their own story. A quick peruse of the site and I found everything from unique Home Decor and Personalized Wedding Gifts to gorgeous handmade jewelry.

UncommonGoods is also a socially responsible company that sells sustainable, ethical and cruelty free products – something that’s very important to me. They founded the Better to Give Program in 2001, which allows you to select a non-profit organization to receive a $1 donation at checkout. They’re also a founding member of B Corporation, an organization created to help customers understand the social and environmental impact of their purchases. You can read more about their story here.

If you’re still looking for the perfect last minute gift, here are some of my favorite gifts for women (or men!) from the store.

For the friend who’s always instagramming tacos.

Mismatched Taco and Hot Sauce Earrings: Does your BFF hashtag everything with #tacosarelife? Do you want to let them know that you think you guys go together like Carne Asada and a bottle of Tapatio hot sauce? These adorable taco & hot sauce earrings should do the trick.
Break the Bank Piñata: Help your taco-obsessed buddy save up for more tacos with this handy piñata piggy bank. Because #financialresponsibility and stuff.
Tacosaurus Knee High Socks: If you have someone in your life who writes or reads a lot…or maybe just really, really loves tacos (me!), these cozy socks are perfect for keeping warm.
DIY Tamale Kit: Fun story: I love tacos (duh) and I love Tamales. One of the things I miss most about Toronto is the Nicaraguan restaurant near my old house that made amazing jumbo sized Tamales. I’d eat them at least once a week. Sadly though, it’s next to impossible to find a good tamale in my hometown. Enter the Tamale making kit! This is perfect for your friend who loves Latin American comfort food or is a total foodie (or both!)

For the woman who loves reading in bed and a night of cocktails in equal measure.

Bedside Essentials Pocket: I love to read and binge watch shows to my heart’s content, but I hate it when I misplace my remote, headphones or e-reader. This elegant grey felt much helps keep all of your bedside or couch-cuddling essentials handy. Slide the sturdy flap between your mattress and foundation or under your couch cushion, and the soft, open pocket holds everything from books to remote controls.
Pineapple Tumbler: Perfect for the hostess with the mostess, this gold pineapple shaped tumbler screams tropical inspired glamour.
Simple Sun Studs: I adore these gorgeous gold earrings. They’re incredibly minimal, but I can’t help but think of the Great Gatsby whenever I see them.
Simple Sun Necklace: Annnnnd….there’s a necklace too! Both of these pieces are perfect for anyone who loves a touch of understated glamour.

For that special lady friend who enjoys meaningful, handmade items.

Rough Diamond Solitaire Ring: If I was to buy myself a diamond ring, it would look something like this. I adore the combination of organic, imperfect lines and a sparkling stone.
Serotonin Necklace: This modern sterling silver pendant is a sophisticated interpretation of our “happiness” molecule, serotonin. As someone who is serotonin deficient, this pendant seems extra special to me and serves as the perfect reminder to be kind to myself when it comes to my mental health. Run your fingers over the braille whenever you need reassurance that everything is going to be OK.
“She Believed She Could” Sterling Silver Ring. I love, love, love jewelry that comes with extra meaning. This handcrafted silver ring that’s engraved with the words “she believed she could, so she did” is a wearable reminder to chase your dreams.
Floral Batik Kimono Robe. I love me a good robe. Wrap yourself in a bouquet of lush lilacs, blushing hydrangeas, and fuchsia orchids with this gorgeous abstracted robe handmade by artisans in Indonesia.

For the quirky home decor junkie.

Handwoven Friendship Basket: Hand-woven by craftswomen using traditional techniques, these cathedral-shaped “friendship” baskets are the signature vessel of Rwanda and add a beautiful, unique touch to any room. While you’re at it, check out some of the other gorgeous handmade baskets available.
Neon State Art: Let your love for a beloved state shine with this neon wall art. The iconic silhouettes of your choice of New York, Florida, or California are rendered in radiant neon tubing accented with an illuminated heart. I’m biased to the California one, natch.
Hand Embroidered State Pillow: I saw these vintage inspired embroidered State pillows at a store in Santa Monica and have been obsessed ever since.
Black Cat Pillow: a cat lady at heart, I couldn’t resist this pillow that looks just like my Matilda. The pillow is knit from 100% baby alpaca wool by a self-managed collective of women in Bolivia. Production of these pillows provides a living wage that helps bring health care and education to their families.

Which gift is your favourite?

*This post was sponsored by UncommonGoods. All views are my own because that’s how I roll. Thanks for supporting the branded posts that support this blog.

As you know there’s a holiday tradition that fills mailboxes, mantels, refrigerators and walls in homes everywhere; it’s the annual holiday card. I admit, I love a good holiday card. It’s the chance for people to show pictures of their families and offer a few life updates. (Now that I’m in my thirties, at least 50% of the cards I receive feature the gorgeous, smiling faces of my friend’s children. Usually there’s a Santa suit or three in the mix.)

While I love receiving these kinds of cards from my friends, I always feel weird sending my own life updates and I’ve never made a personalized photo card. I’ll usually just pick out a few cards from a local shop that I think look cool (case & point: last year I sent Almie a Nick Cage themed card) and include a quick note of love & appreciation before I pop them in the mail. Don’t get me wrong, my life as a single 30-something is actually quite awesome, but I’m afraid that an official “this is what I did in the past 12 months” update might come off as boastful or just silly.

Do my friends with children really want to hear about the 2.5 weeks I spent galavanting around Los Angeles, shopping, going to shows and eating every taco in my path? Will my lifestyle just come off as selfish and indulgent? Do they want to see photos of Joe and Hammer in tiny ugly Christmas sweaters*?

I think a lot of these feelings come down to the fact that once you reach a certain age and are single and/or childless, society subtlety (or not so subtlety) suggests that your life isn’t as valuable as the lives of people who are partnered and have children. This needs to stop.

(* if the answer is “no” to the tiny Christmas sweaters, we should probably end this friendship right here right now.)

Match noticed and they think singles updates matter too! This year they’ve created a unique set of holiday card templates just for singles so they too can join in this tradition and spread extra holiday cheer.

Here at Skinny Dip, the staff and I have made our own Singles Greetings cards. Mine is all about food, naturally. You can see Joe and Hammer’s below.

Want to make your own card? You can do it here!

May your holidays be amazingly delicious and devoid of rap beefs.

Simone

This post was sponsored by Match.com. Thanks for supporting the brands that support this blog.

Confessions of a Semi-Retired Sex Blogger