Hello & welcome to another episode of Ask Simone where I attempt to answer your questions about sex, dating, relationships & other life stuff. Today’s question comes from K. in the USA.
Ok since you write and are so wise about dating things – I have a question – though the answer is pretty obvious. I met a guy earlier this month (friend of a friend of a friend) and we hit it off the night we met. Really awesome conversation mixed with some old school dancing. Fast forward two weeks later and we go out on our first date. The conversation was awesome again, great back and forth no awkward pauses. We even got dessert. He paid. and offered to walk to me my car. We did the whole “thank you for coming” “thank you for dinner” hug conversation. Then I start backing away to my car…and then I’m like what the hell am I doing. So I walk toward him again, hug it out and then we stop look at each other and smooch. It was total PG stuff because we were in public. So, clearly he didn’t have to pay, walk me to my car or kiss me.
Then last week I texted him, “hey stranger want to grab drinks tomorrow?” He was booked but said “maybe sometime next week could work” Awesome. I bounced the ball back in his court by asking him to let me know what works for him….annnnnd its been crickets ever since. I understand it’s a busy time for him, he’s leaving his current job to go back for his masters and he’s moving. So maybe he’s just busy. Simone, girl, I’m starting to feel like the girl from He’s Just Not That Into You. It’s pathetic.
Oh, K. Thank you for saying that I am wise even though I don’t really think it’s true! Like you, I’m just trying to figure out all this dating stuff. First of all, let me just say that having read the book and watched the movie (don’t judge me), you are nothing like the ladies in He’s Just Not That Into You because most of those chicks were crazy. You’re not a crazy. I’ve met you in person I know that you are a smart, sassy, gorgeous woman.
I understand how this situation can be confusing. I’ve been there. Many, many times. It’s so rare that I actually meet someone I’m attracted to. When it happens, I tend to get really excited and I sometimes let extreme optimism get the best of me. There’s nothing wrong with being optimistic, it’s just that sometimes when you want something to work out, you miss certain signals – or at least I do. For example, when I was dating Fitness Guy I wanted things to work out so badly that I think I ignored a bunch of signs that he just wasn’t that into me. It took (literally) being left on the side of the road for it to sink in that the dude wasn’t in it for the long haul. Although I’m getting better at reading people’s signals, it’s a process.
Because of this, I thought it would be fun and helpful to get a male’s perspective on your situation. Luckily I was able to track down my colleague John Drake for a comment. John and I are both Sex Files columnists at Sun Media. As a fellow writer, motorcycle enthusiast and single-man-about-town, I thought John would be the perfect person to ask about this. Here are his thoughts on your situation:
“I’ve been there, it can definitely be frustrating. I’m sure they got along well and perhaps they hit it off but I’m guessing if he hasn’t taken the time to even respond to a text that he didn’t feel sparks flying.
It’s not like he’s being coy or ambiguous – not responding at all is a pretty clear message. Generally if a guy is into you, you don’t have to ask yourself if he’s into you…
Maybe he’ll message in a week saying his grandma died or his dog was in a coma but if I were her I’d move on.“
Although it’s probably not what you want to hear, I agree with John. Unless something super serious has happened to this guy, I’d let this one go for now. When I’m interested in someone, I want to hang out with them and make plans as soon as possible – even if I’m super busy. For example, years ago I was seeing this one guy. We’d text often and it was always very flirtatious (bordering on obscene). It was during one of these marathon texting conversations that I asked him, “Where are you right now?” and he replied, “At my grandpa’s funeral” Ok, so clearly this revelation signals BIGGER ISSUES (like, why was even thinking of sexy times with me at a funeral?!) but it goes to show that if a guy wants to contact you he will (even if it’s wildly inappropriate)
As I was reading John’s response, Joe the Intern took a break from his afternoon push-ups to come over and ask whether he’d be able to contribute his opinion to this post. Since Joe is also single (Yes, ladies. You read that right!) I figured one more opinion couldn’t hurt.
Thanks for sharing Joe! These kinds of situations are hard and I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I’ve gone out with people like The Chef that I had so much fun with, but there just wasn’t the right spark (and the situation ended in hurt feelings.) I’ve also dated people who clearly weren’t as into me as I was into them. Unfortunately you can’t know what people are thinking or control their behaviour, all you can do is control your reaction to it. Taking a page from Joe the Intern, remember that you are awesome. If someone doesn’t appreciate that from the get-go, then they were never the right person to begin with. In other words, don’t waste the pretty.
I hope that helps!
Did I miss anything? What advice would you give K.?
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