And a Merry Pants Party To You Too!

Happy Christmas Eve Day!

For as long as I can remember I have always loved December 24th. I typically begin every Christmas Eve Day by meeting up with my best friend. We exchange gifts, then head downtown to have lunch and visit the beautiful Empress Hotel. Every year the landmark hotel hosts a city wide Christmas tree decorating competition where local businesses compete for charity. Part of our Christmas Eve Day tradition is to walk around the hotel coffee in hand and take photos of the best (and worst) trees. Since my BFF can’t be with me today, this post is for her.

As you guys know, since initiating myself into the world of online dating, I’ve been going on a lot of dates lately. A few weeks ago I was hanging out with a new guy. After a nice dinner, we decided to go grab some ice cream at a place near the Empress hotel. He’s relatively new to this city, so when I told him about the Christmas tree competition and the tradition I have with my best friend, he suggested we go to check it out.

I should probably mention that since I live in a town that is heavily occupied by the elderly, stoners and hippies, sometimes the trees get a little “interesting.” For example, the tree I saw last year that was inexplicably decorated in half-naked Ken dolls. When it comes to expressing holiday cheer in this town, I’ve come to expect the bizarre. However, this year I think the citizens of Victoria really out did themselves.

Behold, Exhibit A: Sponsored by a local medical clinic, this tree is decorated with a bag of (what we can only hope) is cranberry juice, bandages and fake hypodermic needles. And yes, that’s “cranberry juice” circulating through plastic tubes amongst blinking lights. Who thought this was a good idea? And what exactly were they smoking?

Exhibit B: At first I kind of liked this tree decorated by a local Medical Laboratory. The garlands made of letters from the Periodic Table of Elements give it a distinct Breaking Bad vibe. However, that was until I laid my eyes upon this. It’s like someone got Christmas and Halloween mixed up and decided to create a hybrid creature that is a terrifying blend of Elf, High School Science Teacher and Garth Algar’s hair. Garth Elf says he’s making  “Christmas Cheer” in those beakers but we all know it’s really Meth. How else do we explain the mullet and orange industrial strength gloves?

It’s Christmas. Not even Walter White would wish this thing upon his worst enemies.

Exhibit C: “Because nothing says Christmas like a pair of disembodied legs in Dad Jeans” As soon as I saw this tree I let out an audible “WTF.” I mean, what’s up with the legs? And the packages of ramen noodles pooled around the legs? Then my date pointed out the fine print. Apparently this is supposed to be a “Pantry”  (PANT TREE. Get it?) Well, that clears up a few things….not really.

I like how the decorators went rogue and decided to adorn the top of the tree with a empty juice box. Yes, this area of the world is known for our “star quality” apple juice but COME ON PEOPLE.

FYI. The lack of salmon featured in this “Pant Tree” seems like a huge oversight.

Exhibit D: Oh hey! Look, it’s more disembodied legs!

Since starting this whole online dating thing, I’ve decided to keep it under wraps that I’m a sex and relationship blogger – at least until I get to know the person better. I want them to get to know me first, before they meet my blog and make assumptions based on what they read. Aside from awkwardly blurting out on a coffee date “I used to ghost write erotic fiction. But don’t worry, it was pretty light, 50 Shades of Grey  kind of stuff. Oh you have no idea what 50 Shades of Grey is. Ok then. I should really stop talking!” I’ve actually been doing pretty good at hiding my online identity. That was until I came across this Christmas display and could no longer hold back my sex blogger sense of humour.

Throughout the evening my date had been nothing short of the perfect gentleman – he held open doors, paid for dinner and never once brought up anything inappropriate. However, when I doubled over in laughter I said to him “It’s OK, you can laugh too!” and he did. And we probably didn’t stop laughing for a good 10 minutes. See, “Lubricants” are good for easing tension…in more ways than one!

Of course this was hanging right below the Lubricant truck display:

( “Worry, Free, Warmth”)

Wishing you a very happy holiday full of belly laughs, goofy trees, love & joy!

xox

S.D

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