Today’s post was brought to you by Adam & Eve. All opinions, rants and raves are my own.
After writing this blog for almost 3 years I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of people have some pretty weird (and often hilarious) ideas about what being a sex and relationship blogger is all about.
I’ll never forget the first time I met my friend Val in Toronto. We’d known each other for several months online via Twitter and our blogs before we met in person. When we discovered we were both going to be attending the same party, we decided it would be fun to meet up for a drink beforehand. After a few minutes of getting to know each other over drinks on the Drake patio, she said something like:
“You’re so sweet and normal looking”
Slightly taken aback, I laughed and said:
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. You’re just not quite what I expected. I thought you’d be bigger”
“Curvier. I don’t know. I guess that’s the impression I got from your blog”
(I’m actually quite petite. When I told my boyfriend at the time about the size comment he said, “People assume that you’ll be bigger because you write big. It’s a good thing” Yes! I’ll take it! )
Val is a lovely person so we I ended up having a good laugh about this and have been friends ever since. However, this wouldn’t be the last time I heard someone say the words, “You seem so normal” upon meeting me for the first time. Since that experience, I’ve learned that a lot of people have pre-conceived notions about what someone who writes about sex and relationships should be like.
Here’s a few of my favorites:
1. We should look a certain way: I remember reading in BUST magazine an interview with a female sex blogger in who said one of the comments she’s received from people is “You don’t look hot enough to write about sex.” What do people think a sex blogger should look like?! People who write about sex come in all different shapes and sizes: curvy, flat chested, male, female and all different variations in between. There’s no one “norm” when it comes to human sexuality so why would there be when it comes to the people who write about it?
2. We sleep with everyone: I remember reading on City Girl’s blog about how her friend had overheard some women gossiping about her blog and one of them commented that because she writes about sex, she must have “slept with a 1000 guys” – a statement so far off from the truth, it’s comical. I think there is a reigning assumption that women who write about sex must be promiscuous by default. In my case, this also couldn’t be further from the truth. Although I definitely had my share of wild sexual escapades in my early 20’s, I just came out of a relationship where I was with the same person for 6 years and I now live with my mother. You do the math. Most of the sex I have these days is with myself.
3. We want to sleep with you too: Oh man. This is the one that bothers me the most as it directly ties in with #3. The most blatant example of this is an email I received from a reader a few years ago. In his message he mentioned that he also hangs out in a certain neighborhood of Toronto that I’ve mentioned in blog posts before and that if he ever saw me in the area he’d ask me if I’d like to go have sex with him “because it seems like I’m into that kind of thing.” Right. Because openly discussing sex means I have no standards whatsoever. SO CREEPY.
4. We’re all really kinky: Some of us are. Some of us aren’t. YES I own sex toys. NO I am not renovating my garage to turn it into my very own sex dungeon (shoe storage facility maybe, dungeon no) . The more I read stuff written by other sex bloggers, the more I realize how un-kinky I really am. Sometimes it makes me feel weird because I feel like I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. This is probably why (with the exception of a few blogs) I tend to gravitate more towards personal and lifestyle blogs that aren’t necessarily about sex & dating. If you’re into whips and chains and being tied up, that’s cool. I’ll try almost anything once but kink has just never been my thing (or maybe I just haven’t discovered the kind of kink I am into.) If that makes me “vanilla” so be it.
5. We don’t live ordinary lives: Last year I tweeted something along the lines of “Six Feet Under Marathon + Good food + snuggling on the couch = The Perfect Weekend” and some guy responded, “Wow that sounds like a pretty boring weekend…FOR YOU” which makes me wonder, what do people think I do on my weekends?! Honestly, I like my downtime. I enjoy hanging out with my cat and reading books. Sure, I have a fondness for bright colors and animal print but my life isn’t exactly a non-stop LMFAO video.
6. We’re all relationship/dating/sex experts: Maybe some of us are, but I’m certainly not and I find it humorous when people actually assume I am. About six months after I started writing this blog, I started to get emails from readers asking for advice. I once got an email from a reader confessing that he was unhappy in his marriage, was considering cheating on his wife and wanted to know what I thought he should do – an email that made me stare at my computer screen and say “Omg, I’m SO not equipped to deal with this” I don’t know how to fix your marriage, or whether you should call her, or what brand of butt plug you should use or the best place to meet hot guys. I’ll try my best to help you out but really it’s like the blind leading the blind here. I thought this was painfully obvious?
7. We’re always looking for “inspiration” and want you to tell us about all of your disturbing sex exploits: People seem to be very comfortable telling me stuff. A little too comfortable at times. Don’t get me wrong – I love a good story as much as the next person. For example, if you have a story about how you hooked up with _________ (insert name of D-List Hollywood actor) and he tried to pee on you in the shower, I want to know about it because I’m just nosy like that. However, some things are better kept to yourself. Like that time you hired a Russian hooker with your friends and then all took turns with her while everyone watched. No offense, but I don’t really need to know about that.
I can’t tell you how many times I have met guys who have said to me:
“Oh my god. Do I have a story for you! You’re totally going to want to blog about this!”
Then, they proceed to ear rape me with a nightmare inducing story that I’ll spend the next 4 days trying to block out of my mind forever and ever. This is exactly what happened last summer when I went out with a large group of friends for dinner. Amongst our group was a guy – we’ll call him “Steve” – that I had never met before. After dinner we all decided to head over to a local candy store to grab some of their homemade ice-cream that they are famous for. While standing next to a giant display of Pez dispensers, Steve says to me:
“So, I hear you blog about sex. Boy, do I have a story for you. You’re probably going to want to blog about this!”
(annnnnd here we go again!)
He then launches into an extremely graphic story about about the first time he had sex with a girl while she was on her period.
IN A CANDY STORE.
WITH CHILDREN AND PARENTS WITHIN EARSHOT.
IT WAS THE WORST THING EVER.
8. We want to talk about sex all the time: Although I’ll happily ramble on about vibrators ad nauseam, I could just as easily spend hours talking about music, books, fashion or even social justice issues. It’s so easy when you write about sex to come off as one sided and scare people off in the process. I’m a storyteller by nature. As I told my BiSC roomie Grace before me met, I write about sex & relationships because it’s easy for me and I have fun doing it. If I was really good at styling my own outfits or cooking my own food, I’d have a blog focused on those things but I don’t.
9. We’re going to blog about you: Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but there is a lot I don’t write about. There’s something to be said about keeping certain things to yourself and that means respecting the privacy of people I get involved with. With that said, if you do something completely ridiculous like tell people that we slept together when it never happened or try and pick me up in the camping aisle of Walmart – I’m sorry, but I’m totally going to write about you.
When people make these kinds of wacky assumptions, I just try and laugh it off, taking pleasure in the fact that they don’t know my deep dark secret: my life is actually kind of boring.
Do you feel like people assume certain things about you based on your blog or profession?