It’s been over a year since I wrote an instalment of When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong. Has it really been that long? It seems like just yesterday I was snickering at my laptop as a I wrote a description of the Sukit Draft Fleshlight. I review sex toys often which means I stumble across some pretty weird stuff on a regular basis. I’ve just been stock-piling all of these photos and links to share with you in one big creepy post.
It’s that time of year again when I start thinking about the Holidays and shopping for the people I love. I don’t really have anything on my own Christmas wish-list. I pretty much have everything I need (however, if Santa wants to bring me at home laser hair removal device I wouldn’t object) ‘Tis the Season to make fun of stuff, so here are a few things that I hope don’t find their way under my tree or yours (or anyone’s for that matter). I present:
When Sex Toys Go Hilariously Wrong: Holiday Edition.
I feel like Barry the Beaver almost belongs in a category all of his own, like one called “When Hipsters Make Sex Toys.” Barry the Beaver was created by design nerd Jeremy Fish to be your new “vibrating vinyl friend.” One turn of his tree stump base and he starts vibrating throughout his cute little tubular body. Oh, and did you notice his strategically placed vibrating beaver tail?! I think what’s most disturbing about Barry isn’t that he’s a beaver – I’m no longer surprised by sex toys shaped like animals. It’s that he’s a beaver wearing tightie whities.
2.California Exotics COLT Power Stroker.
Wow, so this seems a little violent. The Colt Power Stroker is a masturbation sleeve “designed for male pleasure”. Grenade. Pleasure. Not seeing the connection. It “blows my mind” (see what I did there?) why any guy would want to put his penis inside something that closely resembles an explosive device – especially when the box says “EXPLODE!” in big bold letters across the front. Why tempt fate?
3. Man Eaters.
Years ago I had this friend with benefits. We’d occasionally hook up, but most of the time we would spend hours on MSN Messenger talking about sex. In my defence, it was the early 2000’s and MSN was the cyber sex platform du jour. Anyways, one night we started discussing blow jobs. He described to me his worst blow job experience: “It was horrible. She used her TEETH!” Now enter the Man Eaters – a male sex toy described as “a unique product with revolutionary design.” To use the Man Easters you just place your johnson in the alien’s gaping, toothy red maw & rev ‘er up!
Seriously, what’s with all these terrifying toys for men? Guys, do you secretly desire to be pleasured by something that looks like it’s out of Little Shop of Horrors?! The way I see it, the Man Eaters is basically my former booty call’s worst nightmare all wrapped up in Toys R’ Us style packaging – teeth and all. Considering he and I are no longer on speaking terms, someone should really send him this for Christmas.
Why yes, that’s a vibrator shaped like a hot pink banana. Who am I kidding?! This is awesome! Or should I say utterly “appealing”
I’m all about using lube in the bedroom and this one by innovative sex toy company Fun Factory is probably quite awesome – IF it didn’t have the worst possible name EVER. But don’t worry, as the packaging explains it’s “For Lovers” (not haters?) Seriously though, if I was over at a guy’s house and noticed he had a can of something labeled “Bodyfluid” in his bathroom I’d grab my panties and run for the hills. Two questions: Does it come with a free box of Kleenex? And, is this product associated with my local internet cafe?
“I love how the muscled chicken lifting weights on the packaging of this penis spray makes me feel super masculine” – said no man ever. Containing purified water, Aloe extract and a bunch of other ingredients, this “intimate male lotion” is designed to freshen things up downstairs before you get down. Oh hey, I know something else that does that. It’s called a shower.
7. Pipedream’s Christmas Tuggie
I’m at an age where I’ve come to really appreciate practical gifts. In fact, if someone gifted me a pair of socks for Christmas I’d actually be pretty excited….just not THIS sock. There is nothing OK (or practical!) about the Christmas Tuggie. Unless you’re looking to make someone laugh out loud and throw up in their mouth at the same time, then yes, the Tuggie is just what you’re looking for.
It’s true – I enjoyed reviewing the Reflections Candy Cane vibrator, however it at least looked like something you might actually find in a store that sells adult products. The Sweet Candy Cane Dildo isn’t even trying. This toy looks like something you’d find in the holiday aisle of Michaels or next to a bunch of fake poinsettias at Dollerama. This thing would look great on my front lawn…far, far away from my vagina.
9. Santa Vibe
“Christmas isn’t the only thing that’s coming!” har, har. Sorry I had to throw that in there. I’m not really sure what to say about this one. I mean, it really doesn’t get much worse than a vibrator shaped like Santa. I like how Santa’s brows are furrowed. It’s like even he knows this product is a bad idea.
10. Barack Obama vibrator aka “The Obamerator.”
Oh wait! It does get worse than the Santa Vibrator. Readers, meet the “Obamarator” – a sex toy designed in the likeness of Barack Obama himself. One quick turn of his podium and you’re good to go! For the record, even though I am Canadian I’m a huge Obama fan and was super excited when he got reelected. I take it some people were excited in a different way because they made not one, but two sex toys in honour of the President. Along with the Obamarator you can also purchase a Head of State Dildo (in democratic blue of course!)
For Michelle’s sake I’ll spare you the jokes about “stimulus packages” and “pulling the troops out of Vagistan.” What I’m wondering is who would buy this? Republicans looking to hate fuck themselves?
The only thing that would be more shudder inducing to unwrap on Christmas morning would be this painting featuring Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin nude and engaged in a “cock fight” – literally. Luckily your chances of receiving this on Christmas morning are slim to none, as the painting permanently resides at a Sex Museum in Russia.
The inclusion of hanging sausages (or dynamite?) in the background of the painting is no accident. Leave it to my people to dream up something so utterly bizarre (and kind of awesome).
See Santa, compared to all of these things that home laser hair removal device doesn’t seem like such a weird request after all. Am I right?