What I’ve learned from Jersey Shore

Personal Confession time:

I’m hopelessly addicted to MTV Reality Shows. It started with The Hills (I blame my sister for that). Then I got hooked on The City. When I found myself one night home alone, watching 16 and Pregnant I knew I had a problem. I feel like watching MTV shows is a bit like shaving your legs–once you start, you can’t stop.

My latest addiction is the wonderful-horrible train wreck, Jersey Shore. I finished watching Season One last night. I realize these are 9 hours of my life that I will never get back. In my defense, over the past few weeks I’ve learned a lot from these kids. I feel its my responsibility to share my new found knowledge with my readers…

Lessons from the Cast of Jersey Shore:

1.“Smooshed” and “Pounding Out” are euphemisms for Sex. Who knew. I can’t believe I almost made it to 30 without hearing either of these. Now lets use the new vocabularly in a sentence:

“Yeah, we Smooshed. But you know me, I want to Pound Out every girl in Seaside”

Ladies, it doesn’t get much more romantic than this.

2. Mike D aka “The Situation”: This guy is a walking Deal Breaker List. The fact that he loves to continually refer to himself in the third person makes him not only a douchebag but, a wildly entertaining douchebag. He’s cocky, juvenile and seems to suffer from delusions of grandeur (in other words he’s perfect for Reality TV). But don’t piss him off. If you do, you might get “excluded from Ravioli Night AND Chicken Cutlet night”. Oh Mike D, you wouldn’t. Or if you REALLY piss him off he may go to the fridge, put together a concoction of mayonaise, parmasan cheese and pickle juice and put it under your bed. Hey, I remember doing something like this….when I was 5.

I would LOVE to meet “The Situation” at a bar just so that I could refer to MYSELF in the third person and say something like this:

“Skinny Dip is rejecting the Situation. How does the Situation feel about THIS Situation?”

3. Ronnie actually seems like a nice guy– you know, when he’s not punching people or knocking over patio furniture.

4. JWoww also seems like a pretty decent girl–when she’s also not punching people.

5. Snooki is full of surprises. One minute she has problems operating a telephone, the next she is doing back-flips across the dancefloor. Total Reality tv GOLD.

6. Thanks to Pauly D. I now know that if you buy Hair Gel in bulk, you too can acheive a ‘do that is “Wind Proof, Water Proof and even Motorcycle Proof”. If I wanted hair that defied the logics of gravity, I would talk to this dude. I wouldn’t however go to him for a Geography lesson. I can’t help but wonder if all those styling products aren’t slowly poisoning his brain. Evidence of this is when his Israeli Stalker/Date asks him if he “wants to go eat Kosher food” and he replies “Yo, I can’t do that. I don’t have a Passport!”.

7. If there was a Jersey Shore Drinking Game (which I’m sure there already is) I think it would go something like this:

Take one shot every time “The Situation” refers to himself in the third person
Take two shots every time someone else refers to “The Situation” in the third person
Take three shots every time anyone says something confusing like “Yo, The Situation with the Situation is like yo, this is THE SITUATION” and you’re no longer sure what the hell they are talking about.

I guarantee that we’d all be wasted before the commercial break.

8. “Gorillas” –more new lingo I can add to my vocabulary. “Gorillas” ( or “Juice Heads”) are big buff guys who are “Tanned. Jacked. On Steroids and Multiple Growth Hormones”. These guys would immediately have a place on my LIST, however for the ladies of Jersey Shore, this is all “a turn on”. Understandable. Because who DOESN’T love a guy with ‘Roid Rage, Shrunken Testicles and chronic nose bleeds.

9. I’m really glad I saw this show AFTER I visited my friend in New Jersey. If I had seen it prior to going to stay with her I would have been scared….very, very scared. I am pleased to report that during our adventures in Jersey, we did not encounter anyone resembling the Shore people. The closest we came was probably the guy who hit on us in Old Navy with what was probably intended as “The Shortest and Most Efficient Line Ever”:

“MMM CUTE BOFF YA”.

Someone needs to get THAT guy a show.

10. Watching the Jersey Shore kids with their fake tans & sparkly Ed Hardy outfits get in drunken brawls is so much more entertaining (and endearing) than watching Audrina & Kristin duke it out in yet another staged cat fight while wearing Philip Lim and ridiculously high Louboutins . Sorry ladies, I used to like your drama but Jersey is where its at now.

So, who’s up for Season Two?!


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