Dear twenty year old Joshua,
Right about now you are walking the streets of Downtown Albany, probably drunk, trying to live it up in your final year of college. And while I can’t argue that you have come more into your own this year than at any other point in your life so far, we really need to sit down and have a chat about how you could go from making this one of the best years of your life, to being an all-time, legendary year that drunk college students for generations will want to emulate. Are you ready for this? You might want to sit down for a few moments.
1. For Christ sake, take those damn jeans off and get it together!
Seriously dude. You dress like an absolute clown. Your jeans are five sizes too big. They are shredded at the bottom. And your t-shirts could fit at least two of you inside. You are in shape for someone who drinks a thirty pack a week, you go the gym, and you have a nice body, so for crying out loud, take a woman to the mall with you, charge a few pairs of skinny jeans before the Brooklyn hipsters steal your thunder one day, and invest in looking like you don’t need your mommy to come to Albany to help lay out your clothes.
2. Keep your mouth shut when you hook up with someone.
I know you are insecure. I know sometimes you wonder if the whole world secretly thinks you rarely ever get to see the Golden Palace of the Himalayas as you strut your wanna-be macho self around the city. But on those rare occasions where for some absurd reason a girl actually wants to take off those over-sized, baggy shredded jeans of yours, don’t start telling every single friend you know that you gave a girl really mediocre sex last night. You may get fake props, but women will find out and tell all their female friends to blacklist you from the, “I’ll go home with any guy after five drinks,” community.
3. Cough up the extra few bucks.
I know you are poor. I know you think you are so insanely cool for buying 30 packs of Keystone Light and “The Beast”, a.k.a., Milwaukee’s Best every week. But the internal damage you have done to yourself from all those beers no longer allows me to eat oversized Pastrami sandwiches without popping several Tum’s, downing Pepto Bismal, and listening to Mumford and Sons to calm my nerves. Be a baller and cough up the extra ten bucks for something classy, like Bud Light.
4. Have the foresight to invent the world’s corniest shot.
It will taste like crap. It won’t make sense. And it will make you feel so lame when you are my age. But one day, at least once during every party you attend, some lame guy will take out a bottle, yell, “FIREBALL SHOTS!” and make everyone at the party take at least one. You won’t have a choice. You’ll just have to suck up this lame excuse for a whisky that tastes like a combination of whisky, Big Red gum, and dying souls. This trend seemingly will not go away, so while you still can, figure out the recipe that is currently in the works and get rich. We will toast to our success one day with a Jagar Bomb.
5. Be more confident in the bedroom.
I don’t know if anyone ever told you this, but you have the world’s biggest hands. Apparently you never new just how lucky you were until years later. So stop being such a sissy worrier in the bedroom. Sometimes when you drink 25 beers in a night, your junk stops working. That doesn’t mean you have to carry that fear to the next time, seven months later, when it only took you 8 beers to work up the courage to get a girl in bed. Have confidence and show why you wear such big gloves in ways that will be remembered forever.
About Joshua –
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What would you tell your younger self?