Stop, Hammertime

Hey dudes, Joe the Intern here. Simone asked me whether I’d like to blog again and I jumped at the chance. I think her exact words were, “Joe, stop bugging me. I’m trying to finish Breaking Bad!” So, here I am. If you’ve been following Simone’s Instagram you may have noticed that I have a friend visiting from out of town. His name is Hammer – “Hamm” for short – and he’s from America.

Hamm is my “brother from another mother.” Growing up in the same foster home, we’d spend all day, everyday together – we were inseparable! I’d work on my danger fighting techniques while Hammer practiced his raps and dance moves. Eventually I went off to fight danger and protect the world from evil forces, while Hammer decided to focus on his music career.

Hammer spent the next ten years aboard a Carnival Cruise boat singing in the lounge for wooden pennies, until THAT BAD THING THAT WE ALL KNOW ABOUT HAPPENED. Thanks to a very sturdy raft and his signature too legit to quit work ethic, Hammer eventually found himself in an antique store in rural Iowa, where Simone’s friend Kelly discovered him. Kelly is super nice and has pretty hair. She brought Hammer home with her and within a few days he was packed in a giant box full of American tampons, ready to immigrate to Canada.

It took him a while to get here (what with the time difference between “Hammertime” and Pacific Standard time), but once he did I was thrilled. I never thought I would see Hamm again, so you can imagine my excitement when he arrived on Simone’s doorstep! Even after all these years, he still remembered our secret handshake.

Since Hammer has been in Canada, I’ve been showing him the ropes around Skinny Dip HQ. He’s been a great help around the office. It’s sure nice to have an extra pair of hands to help me with all the heavy lifting around here!

I don’t really sleep much – partly because I don’t have any eye-lids but mostly because of my NIGHT TERRORS that started after I LOST MY PANTS BECAUSE OF THAT BAD THING THAT HAPPENED THAT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. Whenever I wake up screaming, it’s really nice to know there’s someone in the sleeping bag next to mine ready to hold my hand. Hammer is also really good at talking me down whenever I’m going through the occasional bout of “battle madness” – like last week, when he caught me trying to beat up a Mr. Potato Head and I was like, “THE ENEMY IS APPROACHING! GOLD HAWK DOWN! I REPEAT GOLD HAWK DOWN! I’M GOING TO BURN THIS WHOLE PLACE TO THE GROUND- SUCKERS! NO! NO! NOT THE PANTS!”, he pulled me aside, gave me a glass of milk and made me listen to some super mellow Reggae instead.

Usually I like to spend my leisure time catching up on all the latest TED talks, however lately I’ve been watching a lot of New Girl episodes. I like to think of Hamm as the Winston to my Schmidt. We might get into some shenanigans, but we’ve always got each other’s back. I guess that makes Simone the Nick of our group….or maybe Jess since she also wears glasses sometimes.

Hamm and I balance each other out. Whereas I was (until recently) “pants-challenged”, Hammer has the most awesome pants EVER. I really admire his fashion sense and ability to grow a rat-tail. He also has a great smile.

Hammer is glad he no longer has to steal scraps of food off of the plates of drunk cruise passengers and I’m just really glad to have my friend back. Since he’s been in Canada, Hammer and I have had ample “Bro” time together. It’s been great.

Spending time with Hamm has made me remember something: From the delicious frothiness of my daily Orange Julius, to a gorgeous sunset – everything is better when shared with a friend.

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY HAMM!

  • http://awesomelyunprepared.com/ KezUnprepared

    Haha I love the New Girl comparison! These guys need a sitcom!

    • skinny_dip

      I agree…they’re just begging to be in show business 😉

  • http://www.greatestescapist.com/ Kate @ GreatestEscapist.com

    The image of two action figures (action…?) carrying a vibrator is genius & absurd & hysterical & YES.

    • skinny_dip

      I’m glad you appreciate it…because really, what fun would life be without absurd photos of sex toys?

  • http://www.thebrazenbible.com/ Jessica Manuszak (TMFP)

    OH MY GOD. They ARE Schmidt and Winston!

    • skinny_dip

      I know right?! Joe loves working out….Hammer enjoys puzzles. It’s kind of uncanny.