Guys, We Need to Talk About Your Online Dating Photos

OK1

After a weird December and calling it quits with my younger man friend, I decided to get back on the ol’ online dating horse and give OkCupid yet another shot. Since reentering the world of online dating, I’ve been on a few dates with nice people, been matched with someone I dated 15 years ago and had one guy ask me if I’d be interested in “sexually dominating him.” (When I politely delcined he got really offended and sent me a message that said “INTERESTING THAT YOU DON’T RESPOND TO ANY OF MY OTHER MESSAGES BUT RESPOND TO THIS ONE SO YOU CAN REJECT ME.”) So, in other words – just your average month on the beat.

No matter how long I stay away from online dating; the one thing that never changes are the photos. Oh, the photos. I can write a hundred of articles about the do’s and don’ts of online dating photos, and yet, truly terrible online dating photos prevail. I’m sure some of you are actually decent dudes (and that us ladies post our share of equally terrible pics), however you’re shooting yourself in the foot with all of these bizarre photos.

So, in an effort to remedy this problem, Joe the Intern and his friends have teamed up to provide 6 more photos that you need to delete from your online dating profileFYI, these are all modelled after actual photos I came across on OK Cupid, February 26th, between 7:42pm-9:05pm. 

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating PhotosHere’s something I like to call “Ok Cupid: Dead or Alive Edition.” Recently, I was matched with a guy whose only photo showed him sprawled limply over a bank of rocks, with a vacant, heavy lidded expression; his beer dangling limply from his hand. The photo was taken on the beach near where I grew up – an area I know well. The photo literally looks like he fell off a cliff and impaled himself on the rocky shore below. When I showed the photo to my friend, she leaned in then jolted back in surprise. “Is he OK, Simone?” she asked. FYI, this is not what you want women to say when they look through your online dating profile.

I get it – we live on the West Coast. The soulful, hanging out on the beach photo is about as ubiquitous as seasonal allergies – everyone and their dog has one or two. However, if you want to make these beach shots work in your favour, they can’t be awkward or look like something that a CSI team should be investigating.

Below, Trump has helped recreate another photo I stumbled across. The male subject in question was sprawled out on the beach, with his arm placed inexplicably behind his head in a way that looked like he had dislocated his elbow. His face was scrunched up in discomfort, while his armpit hair played centre stage. Once again, I have no idea why the person decided to include this photo, but there it was in all of it’s painfully uncomfortable glory. Awkwardness is contagious: if you look awkward, we feel awkward too.  So, if you’re going to include a “chill beach pic” make sure you actually look, well, chill and that you have good posture. (photo credit)

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating Photos

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating Photos

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating PhotosOnce again, most women are attracted to guys who look alive. We don’t want to see photos of you sleeping (?) on the couch, passed out on the floor or floating face down in a pool of water. You may think these shots are funny and whimsical, but to us, you just come across as lazy and not much fun. Along with some simple head shots, we like to see photos of you doing stuff that you’re into. Whether that’s brewing your own beer, hiking the Grand Canyon or playing hockey – almost anything is better than a photo that looks like a potential crime scene or something your friends took when they thought you were too drunk to notice. (photo credit)

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating PhotosSo, this photo is still happening. If you want to be taken seriously, keep in mind that no good can come from the shirt grab photo. Joe the Intern’s army buddy wants you to know that it looks just as ridiculous when you do it. (photo credit)

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating PhotosHey, you know what else I’m sick of seeing on OkCupid? Dead animals! To that dude who posted a photo of himself clasping the horns of a dead and bloodied elk – yes, I’m talking to you (and no, we won’t be going for coffee anytime soon.) You know what I find totally sexy? Photos of guys being nice to animals, not standing over their bloody carcasses. But you know, maybe that’s just me.

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating Photos

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating Photos

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating PhotosARMPIT HAIR. There’s entirely too much of it online. Yes, we all have arm-pit hair. However, if you’re trying to make a good first impression online, you might want to avoid posting photos where it’s prominently displayed. Sure maybe some women like this (maybe? possibly? I don’t know?) however, personally I’d prefer to not see your armpits in intimate detail until we actually know each other. What would be better: A nice photo of your face, sans armpit foliage. (photo credit)

Dating in Victoria BC:  Bad Online Dating PhotosThe other day I got matched with a family – at least that’s what can be assumed by the profile photo. The photo featured a man, a woman, two kids and a German Shepard. I assume that it’s the man’s profile, however considering he describes himself as “an easy going guy who loves long walks in the park” it could be the German Shepard. Who the heck knows. If these kinds of details are unclear, you’re doing it wrong. (photo credit)

So, to sum up:

-Alive is better than dead.

-A nice photo of your face > everything.

-Put your arms down.

The End.

{All photos taken by me, unless otherwise noted.}

What’s your online dating photo pet peeve?

  • Micah @ Unabashedly Me

    Nailed it. As usual. I’m so with you on the dead animals and the shirt grab. And really all of these.

    • skinny_dip

      Thanks Micah! And yes, both of those need to stop ASAP. Well, these all do.

  • trishca

    I loved this post! So many bad photos.

    • skinny_dip

      Thanks! xo

  • Hilarious! Is that an MC Hammer doll incorporated into this post? It makes the post even better.

    • skinny_dip

      Why, yes! It is an MC Hammer doll.

  • Abby

    Omg Trump. At first I thought it was a John Boehner doll – I was like, whoa, who made those?! You seem to be more lenient on the athletic front than I am – while you do point out you MUST SEE THE FACE, I can’t even deal with the helmet or (shudder) spandex. Living in northern California, however, this is a cross I must bear.

    Love your new hires.

    All of this said – go Ok Cupid go! It is pulling its weight on the Dateable Guy Delivery front. Someone (cough, cough) just needs to work through some of her own commitment issues…

    Miss you!

    • skinny_dip

      I know, right? Here’s another good question: WHO MAKES A DONALD TRUMP DOLL?! I feel obligated to tell you that when you press a button on his back, he gives a series of pep talks & says “you’re fired” (I wish I was kidding.)

      Totally with you on the helmet front…..and OMG, spandex. Biking is really big here & a few months ago I showed up to meet a guy & he was in full bike regalia. I had to stop myself from bursting out laughing.

      Although I make fun of OKCupid, it’s the best online dating site I’ve tried thus far (which is why I keep coming back.)

      I miss you too!!! Wish we could catch up in person over a cocktail at the Empress. xoxoxox