Lately, I’ve been having this problem where I wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning and can’t get back to sleep. I’ll get up to grab a glass of water and then I’ll lay in bed with a million different thoughts going through my mind. It’s like there’s a after-hours party happening in my brain and it sounds a little something like this:
“Shit. I have to remember to update my resume tomorrow. And re-size those PDFs. Oh and there’s those sex toys and body lotions that I need to review. Gosh, am I reviewing too many things? I don’t want to bore my readers. After all, I like to tell stories and mix things up. Oh god. I have no idea what I’m going to blog about next. Stories – right. I should probably start researching that story about whiskey that I need to start working on. What exactly is a decanter? Working for a book store would be fun. I think. I wonder if Abe’s books would hire me? I should probably sell those Marc Jacob shoes I never wear. Also, how do I draw a circle in Adobe Illustrator? Maybe I’ll go google that right now.”
I have a lot on my mind lately, but luckily, most of it is positive. As I was telling the guy I’ve been dating at dinner a few weeks ago, “Sometimes I just wish I could turn my brain off” because the lack of sleep is making me feel a bit on edge.
The middle of the night brain party happened again the other night. I woke up yesterday morning feeling pretty grumpy…. that is until something magical happened. I opened my eyes and saw this guy sitting on my dresser:
It’s a gift from my sister’s friend Anton who reads the blog. My mood instantly lifted, I decided his name was Joe and that he would be my new intern. I promptly went online and Facebooked Anton thanking him for sending Joe my way. To which he replied.
“Joe does good work, with no clothes on, without tiring, for no money. I knew he’s be the perfect addition to your team.”
He’s right. Not only do I not have money to hire anyone – clothed or otherwise – I also could use some help. Maybe if I had someone around here to monitor my caffeine intake I might sleep better at night.
So far, Joe has proven himself to be quite useful. When it comes to telecommunications, we’re a bit behind at Skinny Dip Headquarters. I don’t have speaker phone on my landline but as you can see, Joe remedied that problem immediately.
Joe will also be stepping in to help with some of my product reviews because as it turns out he’s really good at holding bottles of Aphrodisiac infused body wash. Pat Sajak has Vanna White. I have Joe.
He’s also not afraid to get a little dirty…or clean.
He’ll also be providing product feedback when appropriate…
This afternoon I gave Joe his first mission: to try and sort of the chargers that belong to my various vibrators. He said he really enjoyed the task because it reminded him of the time he spent disarming bombs in Iraq.
Joe is incredibly self-motivated and works well with very little direction. Yesterday he took it upon himself to dust my shoe collection – a job I never seem to have time for.
Working with Joe has been a pleasure so far. He’s a lone wolf. He keeps to himself, takes direction well and never talks back to his commanding officer. I’m a sucker for strong silent types. Even when he’s on a daunting mission, like re-organizing the thong section of my lingerie drawer, he maintains the same stoic expression he had the first time we met. Plus, his signature face scar tells me that he’s the kind of guy who would take one for his platoon.
Now, here are a few words from Joe:
Hi everyone! I’m Joe. I’m really excited to be working with Simone. I hope she’ll be able to teach me about blogging. I’d like to start my own blog one day so I can write about my heroic missions and blowing shit up. Maybe if it becomes really popular a company might send me a free pair of fatigues. I’m not ready to tell you what happened to the last pair. Simone keeps the heat turned on in the office but my loins still get a bit chilly. Unfortunately I won’t be able to help test Sex toys for her but I’m happy to help Simone hold up products for the camera because I’m strong like that. In return she gives me time off to pursue my creative endeavours. Well, that’s all I have to say. Peace out homies – Joe.
Don’t worry – it’s not all work and no play at Skinny Dip headquarters. I’ve also been giving Joe frequent breaks to work on his first novel which is about “a daring soldier named Joe who is part of a highly trained special mission force designed to defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.” Hmm, sound familiar?
We wish Joe the best of luck on his novel and welcome him to the Skinny Dip team!