Sandy and Simone go on a Blogger-Date
Mon, Mar 8 2010 09:58
| blogger meet up, how not to pick up a woman, bloggers I love
Saturday night was my long awaited blogger-friend date with Sandy B!
I had such a good time!
<--- Here is a slightly out of focus Blackberry photo to prove it.
If you read my post last weekend on Straight Girl Dating, you'll know that I was really looking forward to meeting her. By Saturday afternoon I was starting to get nervous and excited like I would for a real date with a boy. I'm not going to lie...I totally "got my pretty on" (as one of my gay boy friends would say) to go meet Sandy. I took extra care doing my hair, making sure my make-up looked good, carefully selecting what I was going to wear, I even flossed my teeth (TMI?). We were swapping Tweets all day about how I was going to "pop her blogger meet up cherry" so the pressure was on. Even though I'm a bit of a slut when it comes to meeting friends via the internet (I've met some of my favorite people this way) I was still a bit nervous. Would she like me in person? Once I met up with Sandy, I realized that all this nervousness was for nothing. Within a few minutes of hanging out, I already felt like I was talking to a girlfriend I had known for a long time. I didn't feel any of the awkward, creepy "Oh my god, we just met on the internet"-vibes (I hope the feeling was mutual! ha). Sandy is just one cool chick: very down to earth and has this very awesome positive, fun energy about her (just like her blog). She has great shoe taste and I give her total props for knowing how to rock a jump-suit!
So, where did we go and what did we do on our date you ask?
We both live on the West side of downtown Toronto (WESTSYYYDE!) so we met up on College Street to grab some martinis. If you're not from Toronto, the College St strip is known for its dozens of small italian eateries, chic lounges and small bars. We went to Bar Italia, where we met these very nice girls who just happened to be hosting a private party there that night and offered to pay for our two rounds of drinks & dessert! Sweet! (Thank you Universe, you've been so good to me lately). We hung out at the bar & listened to the live band while talking about magazines, blogging, babies, life...etc. It was so refreshing to talking to Sandy B because I feel like I don't have to go into long exlanations about why I feel the way I do about certain things in my life (career, babies, writing) she just "gets it". Very awesome!
(Also, I loved how she kept ordering us glasses of water, at one point saying "I think this is going to be a night of heavy drinking". Ah, a girl after my own heart)
So after Bar Italia, we headed down to The Drake Hotel to meet up with Sandy's husband & his friends.
At The Drake I made an interesting discovery:
If you know me in real life or you've been reading this blog for awhile you know that I have a rep for being a total WEIRDO/PERVERT MAGNET. You want to meet the least desirable guys at a club?! Send me into a bar and just wait. From what I discovered on Saturday it seems that Sandy B is ALSO a bit of a weirdo magnet (She's stunning & cool. Can you blame them?). Within a few seconds of hitting the Drake Underground dancefloor we had a whole slew of strange dudes lurking, putting their arms around us, trying to dance with us. Just when we thought we were safe they'd "approach" again. Ladies, you've all experienced this: the grabby, lurkers who just won't leave you alone. It gets old. FAST.
We ended up moving to a different area of the bar where unfortunately Sandy witnessed another Skinny Dip installment of:
"How Not to Pick up a Woman, Part #68644748565002324525"
We were walking through the front room when we passed two of the touchy culprits from earlier in the evening. One of them looks at us and yells out:
"Hey! There's THAT girl" (Huh? I'm not sure what he meant by this but, dude-we're standing right there and can hear you talking.)
Then, I see one of the dudes reach out his arm to touch Sandy. At that point it was like all the anger from being groped, grabbed, pinched, and rubbed up against in clubs against my will just boiled over (It's been 10+ years of this shit). I aggressively stuck out my arm, blocking his and yelled out:
"Don't TOUCH my friend!"
We started walking away when I turned around to see the guy and his friend GIVING ME THE MIDDLE FINGER.
(Excuse me?!)
So, I just FLIPPED THE BIRD right back. Then, buddy did a move that I like to call "The Passive Agressive Handshake". He stuck out his hand, shook mine and said in the most condescending, sarcastic way possible:
him: "You're a really nice Girl"
me: "You seem like a really fucking nice guy"
him: "FUCK YOU!"
(before walking away) me: "FUCK YOU TOO!"
Giving the finger to grown women & yelling out obscenities = HOT. Good luck getting laid jack-ass. And thank you for reminding me that the Singles scene in Toronto is a total LEPER COLONY full of socially inept individuals. Good job.
What's messed up is that I'm willing to bet money that these are the guys who sit around complaining how "All the girls in Toronto are total bitches".
(can you really blame us?)
As a note to the guys out there: I'm a nice person. Show me some actual social skills and I will reciprocate. A nice hello, a friendly (non-passive aggressive) handshake and some intelligent conversation goes a long way. Some witty convo skills and some sexy eye-contact IS the ultimate panty dropper (for me anyways). Treat others how you want to be treated. I'm just saying.
(And no, the line "YO, are you like Eastern European or WHAT?!" does not constitute witty banter. sorry dudes.)
Anyways, that was just an amusing blip in an otherwise awesome night out. Sandy and I stayed at The Drake until close, hanging out around the Sky Yard's fire-pit, drinking, talking, making new friends and dancing the night away to the hits of the 90's.
I can't wait to do it again! Second date??
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon hanging out with Ukelele Misfit, wandering around a bookstore and drinking coffee/tea: a perfect way to spend a (slightly hung-over) Sunday.
Another great part about this weekend: I think I've kicked my writers block. Listening to music, going for long walks, and writing in your journal are all great things, but really, the best cure for writers block is hanging out with people who inspire you.
Does anyone else have a great blogger meet-up story they would like to share?
|
Getting my Blo-jo back
Thu, Mar 4 2010 10:36
| self-portraits, writers block, tiny ocean, wine
The past week or so has been really good "life-wise" (My best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, I went to see my first live hockey game, I went to an awesome book launch...and it goes on..) but this week has not been so hot writing-wise. Usually the blog posts flow out of me pretty freely, but with the last few posts I've been struggling to get the words out. I feel like I'm suffering from a bit of writers block. The problem isn't that I don't have anything to say--its quite the opposite. I feel like I have so much to say, that I don't even know where to start. I spend my days walking to and from work, taking the subway, listening to my ipod, going over everything in my head that I want to write about but then when I get home I'll sit down at the computer, contemplate my blinking curser and...nothing. Right now, I feel like everything is just bubbling under the surface. I'm almost kind of afraid to write about some of the things that I have been thinking about because I feel like when I do, its all going to come out in a big, messy, outpouring of emotions...and maybe it will happen on a night like tonight when I've had had six glasses of wine (should I really be blogging right now? Ok, don't answer that). I'm just warning you guys ahead of time.
In the mean time until I get my Blogging Mojo back ("Blo-jo"? I heard it first on It's Unbeaweavable. BLO-JO. I still don't feel right saying it.) I thought I would post a photo (and pimp my jewellery line!). This is me- taken last Saturday night before a fun night out with friends. Here is what I'm wearing:
Goldie Necklace by Tiny Ocean (my latest addition to the line! Will be up on Etsy soon!)
Lace Top: Talula (by Aritzia)
Lips: M.A.C lip gelee in "Valentine's" with M.AC lip pencil in "Dervish"
Hair: I followed Emily from Cupcakes and Cashmere's tips on how to create "perfect beach waves" . Emily knows what she's talking about.
How do you conquer writers block?
You mean it really IS all Cuddling and no Sex?
Mon, Mar 1 2010 04:34
| sex, under the covers, cuddle party
I got so wrapped up in the lingering excitement of Canada's Gold Medal Hockey on Sunday night that I forgot to get excited about something else...
MY DATING COLUMN ON 20-SOMETHING.CA LAUNCHED!
My very first column is published and ready for you to read HERE.
This has been a long time in the making so I'm really happy that its finally up. I hope you enjoy it!
So, now that I have one column under my belt, I've been bugging my friends for ideas for my next article.The other day, my friend emailed me a link to CUDDLE PARTY.COM with a note saying "you should totally blog about this!". Have you heard of "Cuddle Parties"? Yeah, neither have I.
Someone I shared the link with described the concept perfectly as "The exact opposite of a Fight Club" . That pretty much sums it up. Cuddleparty.com says that they offer a "A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment. A laboratory where you can experiment with what makes you feel safe and feel good." From what I was able to gather from the website the parties involve a lot of hugging, "non-sexual touching", "puppy piling" and you get to wear your pajamas (in the daytime!!). I feel like this is just BEGGING, CRYING OUT to be under-cover blogged about. Oh to be a fly on that wall. As much as I enjoy wearing pajamas as much as possible (really hideously ridiculous ones, covered in giant polka dots or polar bears--in the privacy of my own home) I don't think I could make it through one of these parties. The whole touching strangers/having strangers touch me thing kind of terrifies me.
I was reading through the "Cuddlemonials" (I WISH I could make this stuff up) and here are a few of the key words/phrases people have used to describe the parties:"addictive", "freedom" "less inhibited" "intimacy" "fascinating people" "warm place" "giving and receiving comfortably" "people piling on top of each other". Oh yeah this sounds kind of familiar: throw in some guy in wide leg pants massaging your shoulders, some heavy bass and a couple tabs of MDMA and you have... a RAVE! (or the back Patio of The Barn on Church St. Wow, have I seen some things that I shouldn't have there--mostly of the "giving and receiving comfortably" variety. Yowza). Even at the height of my reckless partying days I always avoided the strange circles of massaging masses. Even while totally loaded, it always seemed kind of creepy to me. Any kind of "connecting" I did in those days was always behind closed doors and usually involved one (or two) preferably very hot people. I figure if touching strangers was too much even when wasted, its best not to attempt it sober.
If you're interested in leading a Cuddle Party, you can become a fascilitator. Yeah, that's something to add to the resume: "John really spearheaded the Corporate Merger...and he's also great at facilitating non-sexual touching". HIRED! And apparently things really don't get sexual at these events. In the FAQ's there is a whole section that discusses how to handle erections, should they "pop up" during the party. I have this image of a tie-dye wearing, new age-y facilitator quietly pulling aside the poor guy and saying "Its perfectly natural. Just imagine Betty White naked. That's what I do every time I need to kill the mood"
With that said, I can't help but wonder if these parties are the result of all that stuff I was talking about in my article: that in our accelerated, technology driven society we are becoming increasingly disconnected from each other to the point where people are so desperate for human connections that they are willing to give up prime Saturday afternoon brunching hours & $40 to hug strangers.
Luckily, I haven't reached that point yet. Sorry, this girl will not be attending the next G-rated orgy.
(And if I do, trust me you'll hear about it.)
What do guys think? Would you consider cuddling with strangers?
How far would you go for a great story/blog entry?
Someone I shared the link with described the concept perfectly as "The exact opposite of a Fight Club" . That pretty much sums it up. Cuddleparty.com says that they offer a "A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment. A laboratory where you can experiment with what makes you feel safe and feel good." From what I was able to gather from the website the parties involve a lot of hugging, "non-sexual touching", "puppy piling" and you get to wear your pajamas (in the daytime!!). I feel like this is just BEGGING, CRYING OUT to be under-cover blogged about. Oh to be a fly on that wall. As much as I enjoy wearing pajamas as much as possible (really hideously ridiculous ones, covered in giant polka dots or polar bears--in the privacy of my own home) I don't think I could make it through one of these parties. The whole touching strangers/having strangers touch me thing kind of terrifies me.
I was reading through the "Cuddlemonials" (I WISH I could make this stuff up) and here are a few of the key words/phrases people have used to describe the parties:"addictive", "freedom" "less inhibited" "intimacy" "fascinating people" "warm place" "giving and receiving comfortably" "people piling on top of each other". Oh yeah this sounds kind of familiar: throw in some guy in wide leg pants massaging your shoulders, some heavy bass and a couple tabs of MDMA and you have... a RAVE! (or the back Patio of The Barn on Church St. Wow, have I seen some things that I shouldn't have there--mostly of the "giving and receiving comfortably" variety. Yowza). Even at the height of my reckless partying days I always avoided the strange circles of massaging masses. Even while totally loaded, it always seemed kind of creepy to me. Any kind of "connecting" I did in those days was always behind closed doors and usually involved one (or two) preferably very hot people. I figure if touching strangers was too much even when wasted, its best not to attempt it sober.
If you're interested in leading a Cuddle Party, you can become a fascilitator. Yeah, that's something to add to the resume: "John really spearheaded the Corporate Merger...and he's also great at facilitating non-sexual touching". HIRED! And apparently things really don't get sexual at these events. In the FAQ's there is a whole section that discusses how to handle erections, should they "pop up" during the party. I have this image of a tie-dye wearing, new age-y facilitator quietly pulling aside the poor guy and saying "Its perfectly natural. Just imagine Betty White naked. That's what I do every time I need to kill the mood"
With that said, I can't help but wonder if these parties are the result of all that stuff I was talking about in my article: that in our accelerated, technology driven society we are becoming increasingly disconnected from each other to the point where people are so desperate for human connections that they are willing to give up prime Saturday afternoon brunching hours & $40 to hug strangers.
Luckily, I haven't reached that point yet. Sorry, this girl will not be attending the next G-rated orgy.
(And if I do, trust me you'll hear about it.)
What do guys think? Would you consider cuddling with strangers?
How far would you go for a great story/blog entry?
Ugly Shoes, The Olympics & Straight Girl Dating
Fri, Feb 26 2010 12:07
| bloggers I love, olympics
Just when it was starting to almost feel like Spring was around the corner, Winter decided to show up in Toronto. IN MARCH. Why did I ever move from the West Coast?! Its been snowing pretty hard for the past few days. Yesterday, I decided to brave the elements and trek down the gym for a work-out. Because we've had a really mild winter this year, I'm totally not prepared for "real winter". I came to this realization when I was half-way to the gym, and noticed that my Uggs from last year (yes, I still wear Uggs. They're warm and they are usually my go-to snow walking shoe) were leaking like crazy. This didn't happen last year!! By the time I got to the gym my feet were a wet, cold, gross mess and I had another long, wet walk home to look forward to. I thought the point of sacrificing fashion & wearing funny-looking winter boots was that you wouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing?!! I should have bit the bullet, embraced my inner Canadian girl and bought the Sorel boots this year. Aren't these Buffalo plaid ones
On the way back from the gym I just cranked up the ipod so I wouldn't hear the weird squishing, shoe farting sound my feet were making inside my wet boots. To make myself feel better I stopped at Mexitaco on the way home for some take-out (SEE, I wasn't lying when I said my routine really is WORK.GYM.TACO.HOME.) More signs that you may be eating at your local Mexican restaurant more than you should be: They know your name and you're watching more HTV than MTV. Even though I don't understand most of the songs I have to say I kind of get a kick out of watching Latin music videos. They're so over the top dramatic: guys and girls crooning their hearts out, lovers torn apart, blood shed, issues of life and death (I saw two last night that featured car accidents. One lover lives, one lover dies)...real epic stuff.
After Tacos I came home, dried off, made myself a cocktail and climbed into bed with my lap top. I thought last night was going to be loner-central but, instead I spent a good portion of the evening chatting with the fabulous Sandy B! I have so much love for that girl. She's TOTALLY AWESOME. I can't wait for our first blogger friend date next weekend! Sandy made a good point last night: that "blogging is like a dating service for straight chicks". Oh yeah, so true. I've met so many gorgeous, awesome ladies through blogging. I don't think guys have fully caught on to this yet. So, if you're a single guy sitting at home, wondering where all the hot, smart, funny girls are... FYI. THEY'RE PROBABLY BLOGGING (and maybe about you*).
(*Also FYI. if you're over the age of 30 and still own furniture made of milkcrates: there's a reason why you're single.)
Something that has surprised me the past two weeks: I'm really, really into the Olympics. I'll admit that up until the Olympics started I was actually quite Anti-Olympics. I love Vancouver but, I feel like the money that was spent on the Games could have been used to address some of the city's problems. Vancouver has some serious issues with addiction, poverty and lack of affordable housing. Take a bus ride down East Hastings street and you'll see that there is a huge gap between the haves and the have-nots. And yes, there are tons of crackheads in this area, but there are also a lot of famillies, elderly and disabled people who are living below the poverty line without access to decent housing. That just isn't right. But, the cynic in me says: Even if they hadn't used the money to fund the Olympic games, would they have used it to solve some of these issues? Sadly, I don't think so. So, I feel kind of guilty about how much I have fallen in love with the Olympics. I've been watching as many events as I can and I get excited (and a bit homesick) every time I see the Vancouver scenery on TV. Despite its problems, I still love Vancouver. Its home. I'm proud of where I am from. I'm proud to be Canadian. And the real shocker: I think I am actually starting to like hockey.
GO CANADA!
PS. In case you were wondering: Quatchi is my favorite. Every time I see him I just want to hug him. He's a bit hairier than I usually go for but, what can I say... I am just a sucker for guys with tattoos and blue ear-muffs.
Anyways, thats it for my Saturday afternoon ramblings. Tonight I'm going HERE for drinks tonight with some friends.
Sunday: relaxing & photographing some new pieces for Tiny Ocean.
What are you up to this weekend?
Introducing Tiny Ocean!
Mon, Feb 22 2010 09:18
| tiny ocean
Yesterday I did something that I have wanted to do for a very long time: I launched my jewelry line on etsy!
I want all you to meet Tiny Ocean, my very own jewelry collection. You can visit my etsy site here or browse through the Gallery page on Skinny Dip.
The story behind Tiny Ocean: In May of 2009 I walked away from a job that made me very unhappy and was literally making me sick. After I quit I felt so relieved that I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I decided that all I really wanted to do was make things. I used to make a lot of art projects as a kid. I'd fill up sketch books with fashion illustrations of my "future designs" (at the time I totally wanted be the next Norma Kamali or Herve Leger. I also wanted to be a lawyer, a teen detective & the latest a movie star/pop sensation. 11 year olds dream big.). In university I'd still do creative things: I'd make paintings, I'd alter vintage clothing and I learned how to do my own home improvements. I loved doing all of these things and I had stopped doing almost all of them once I started working full time (which I think contributed to my general unhappiness--the lesson here: don't neglect your creative outlet(s)). When I came to this realization I was visiting my Mom in BC. She's an artist (who also makes jewelry) and has tons of jewelry supplies kicking around. I started making simple pearl bracelets and eventually graduated to making statement necklaces like the one above.
I want all you to meet Tiny Ocean, my very own jewelry collection. You can visit my etsy site here or browse through the Gallery page on Skinny Dip.
The story behind Tiny Ocean: In May of 2009 I walked away from a job that made me very unhappy and was literally making me sick. After I quit I felt so relieved that I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I decided that all I really wanted to do was make things. I used to make a lot of art projects as a kid. I'd fill up sketch books with fashion illustrations of my "future designs" (at the time I totally wanted be the next Norma Kamali or Herve Leger. I also wanted to be a lawyer, a teen detective & the latest a movie star/pop sensation. 11 year olds dream big.). In university I'd still do creative things: I'd make paintings, I'd alter vintage clothing and I learned how to do my own home improvements. I loved doing all of these things and I had stopped doing almost all of them once I started working full time (which I think contributed to my general unhappiness--the lesson here: don't neglect your creative outlet(s)). When I came to this realization I was visiting my Mom in BC. She's an artist (who also makes jewelry) and has tons of jewelry supplies kicking around. I started making simple pearl bracelets and eventually graduated to making statement necklaces like the one above.
I grew on the West Coast and love the ocean. I've always loved pearls (especially the real kind) because I feel like when I'm wearing them, I'm carrying around a tiny piece of the ocean--hence the name, Tiny Ocean. Growing up where I did (Hippy Central) really made me appreciate vintage/recycled clothing, and also gave me a sense of environmental awareness (recycling is a BIG DEAL in BC. Like, if you don't do it you'll get shot. Ok, maybe not but I grew up with the mentality that throwing away a tin can in THE GARBAGE was really, really BAD). I also am a stickler for quality materials and the buy less but buy better philosophy. I wanted my jewelry to reflect all of this. Most of the pieces on etsy right now are a mix of new, vintage and recycled materials.
I also really like stories. Each Tiny Ocean piece is named after a different (awesome) woman in my life. I'll be posting a different piece each week on Skinny Dip, with a little background about the person who inspired it & the positive effect they've had on my life. For example, today's photo is of the "Jackie" necklace. Jackie is one of my friends from work (Hi Jackie!!). Jackie is young, fun and very stylish. Jackie always looks very fashion forward, pulled together & classy. She also looks great in gold, so I thought this necklace (a mix of classic pearls & edgy gold colored chains) would be perfect for her.
(*The last time Jackie and I hung out we drank these really sketchy blue vodka coolers that I found in the back of my fridge while I told her some of my dating disaster tales from my early 20's. She was laughing so hopefully she wasn't too traumatized. If she was, I'm hoping naming a necklace after her will make up for it!)
If you would like your very own unique namesake necklace, let me know--I also can do something custom just for you...or your mom, sister, girl friend, baby mama or whoever you think needs something pretty around their neck. Just ask! From now until the end of March I will be offering $10 off for Skinny Dip readers. To be eligible you just have to either join the Facebook Fan Page, or follow me on Twitter & then let me know before you place your order (either by commenting or emailing me).
Thank you everyone for checking out the shop and supporting me! xox
What's YOUR creative outlet?
Has my love for the Muppets caused me to me to make Bad Dating Choices?
Another thing that you probably don't know about me is that I am a big Muppets fan. Like, freakishly big. Since I was a kid I've probably seen "Muppets Take Manhattan" at least 55 times (did I mention I know all the songs by heart?). I still have my felt Kermit the Frog doll (a relic from my childhood) that up until a few years ago I still kept in my bedroom. Every time I see something green and fuzzy my heart kind of goes aflutter with nostalgia. I can't help it. Over the years I've learned to keep my love for the Muppets under wraps because let's face it--its NOT COOL. I've also learned that boys and Muppets don't mix. If you've slept with me in the past ten years there was probably this moment, like when you first came over to my house where I rushed inside my apartement "to tidy up" before I lead you to my bedroom. My house is usually pretty spotless so most likely I was in the bedroom grabbing the Kermit doll (and anything else potentially embrassing) and stashing it in the closet. I learned to never leave Kermit out in plain sight after I dated this one dude who used to like to pose Kermit in indecent positions. I'd leave the room, come back and find Kermit touching himself or humping my furniture, and the dude laughing hysterically. This guy was 35. (And people always asked me why we broke up...)
{The photo on the left was taken a few years ago after my friend & I stumbled across this shirt @ an outlet mall. She wouldn't let me buy it. Friends don't let friends buy hideous souvenir t-shirts}
Aside from my pervy ex who liked to do indulge in some Kermit Sutra, I've never really made much of a connection between my love for the Muppets and my love life. That was until last weekend when BF handed me a page from the Globe & Mail and said "YOU NEED TO READ THIS SIMONE".
The article was about Julie Klausner's new book "I Don’t Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux Sensitive Hipsters and Other Guys I’ve Dated". Klausner, a comedian and former writer for Saturday night live says that she spent most of her twenties "taking dating cues from Miss Piggy, chasing every would-be Kermit in my vicinity with porcine voracity.” In her book she says that she sees bits of Kermit in all of the men she dated. Men "who gave in to her pushy advances but ultimately preferred hanging out with friends and pursuing their own projects, just like Kermit did on The Muppet Show". When she watched "The Muppet Movie" as adult Klausner said that Kermit reminded her of the "vintage-eyeglass-frame-wearing guys … who pedal along avenues in between band practice and drinks with friends, sans attachment, oblivious to the impending hazards of reality and adulthood"All of this sounds strangely...familiar.
In my twenties, did I date "Kermits"?
OH, HELL YES.
In my early twenties I was starstruck. I deliberately went after guys who had this "star quality": beautiful boys with big personalities who loved being the center of attention (this explains why I dated a lot [wannabe] struggling actors, musicians and models]. I thought I was fabulous and therefore deserved to be with someone equally as fabulous & glamorous. However, I eventually realized that there was only room for one under the spotlight.
Most of these guys were more interested in playing their guitars, hanging out with their friends, snowboarding or having movie marathons with their gay neighbour (don't ask) than they were in dating me. But did that stop me? NO!
Their apparent "resistance" just made me try harder. In true Miss Piggy style I THREW myself at these guys. You might even say I was "aggressive". I seduced guys in their dorm rooms. I pushed boys into the Men's room at Element Bar for impromptu make out sesssions. I lured a guy I was attracted away from the party we were attending, to a dark corner just to show him what kind of underwear I was wearing. For all my efforts & aggressive hook-up strategies none of these entaglements ever really ammounted to much. Often the guys went running in the opposite direction.
My favorite example of a "Kermit guy" is this guy I dated in 3rd year university. He was tall, thin, & attractive in an emo-boy Topher Grace kind of way. He was an "aspiring poet". He always seemed kind of pre-occupied which I mistook as a sign that he was in deep intellectual thought --really I think he was just distracted and probably not that into me. We'd been dating for about 3 months. I really wanted him to like me as much as I liked him. For his birthday I decided to cook him an amazing birthday dinner. I made all of my favorite Eastern European home cooking dishes: stuffed Hungarian peppers, perogies, fried Kolbassa, Latkas, saurkraut. I bought a new dress & new scandalous lingerie. I thought surely that all of this would impress him and he'd see just how awesome I really was.
What happened when he came over was pretty much the opposite: He picked at his food, staring distractedly at the TV. When I saw that dinner wasn't going to happen, I stradled him and initiated a make-out session. Mid-makeout session I asked him coyly if he wanted to see a private show of my new lingerie purchases. His response was "You shouldn't squander all of your money on such silly stuff Simone". He pushed me off. Before I could muster up a reply his phone rang. A few seconds later he said:
"Zack has tickets to the new Star Wars. He's been waiting in line for 13 hours. Gotta go"
(HUH?)
A few minutes later he was out the door. I was left feeling like an idiot in a brand new dress, some pretty fucking hot lingerie and enough food to feed a former Soviet Union Satellite country.*
{*The evening was a waste but the food wasn't. A few nights later I took it over to a friend's house where we got stoned and ate all the leftovers}
Ok, so this guy was a bit of a doofus. But overall, the guys I dated during this period aren't to be blamed here. At the time I was all about MOI MOI MOI. I wanted so desperately to love and be loved that I ignored a lot of the signals these guys were giving me. Instead, I projected all my crazy hopes and expectations for the relationship on to them. If I had only listened to what they were really telling me and paid attention to their actions, I might have seen that they just didn't like me enough.
Knowing what I know now, I think Miss Piggy had it all wrong. I think if she (like me) had taken a step back she would have seen she was just pursuing the wrong kind of dude. She's a strong woman (hello karate chops!) with killer fashion sense (she rocks purple satin gloves like nobody's business!). That's a whole lotta woman for any guy to handle, let alone a frog. I can't help but wonder, if she had held out longer she might have found someone who could handle all of her fabulosity (Rolf? The Swedish Chef maybe?). I DID. He's more of a Fozzy Bear type: loveable, loyal to a fault and tells lots of corny jokes (and some good dirty ones. I like those best). And even when I'm at my most Miss Piggiest: demanding, dramatic, over the top, he loves me just as is. That's all anyone can ask for right? WOCKA WOCKA.
Does any of this sound familiar?
{The photo on the left was taken a few years ago after my friend & I stumbled across this shirt @ an outlet mall. She wouldn't let me buy it. Friends don't let friends buy hideous souvenir t-shirts}
Aside from my pervy ex who liked to do indulge in some Kermit Sutra, I've never really made much of a connection between my love for the Muppets and my love life. That was until last weekend when BF handed me a page from the Globe & Mail and said "YOU NEED TO READ THIS SIMONE".
The article was about Julie Klausner's new book "I Don’t Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux Sensitive Hipsters and Other Guys I’ve Dated". Klausner, a comedian and former writer for Saturday night live says that she spent most of her twenties "taking dating cues from Miss Piggy, chasing every would-be Kermit in my vicinity with porcine voracity.” In her book she says that she sees bits of Kermit in all of the men she dated. Men "who gave in to her pushy advances but ultimately preferred hanging out with friends and pursuing their own projects, just like Kermit did on The Muppet Show". When she watched "The Muppet Movie" as adult Klausner said that Kermit reminded her of the "vintage-eyeglass-frame-wearing guys … who pedal along avenues in between band practice and drinks with friends, sans attachment, oblivious to the impending hazards of reality and adulthood"All of this sounds strangely...familiar.
In my twenties, did I date "Kermits"?
OH, HELL YES.
In my early twenties I was starstruck. I deliberately went after guys who had this "star quality": beautiful boys with big personalities who loved being the center of attention (this explains why I dated a lot [wannabe] struggling actors, musicians and models]. I thought I was fabulous and therefore deserved to be with someone equally as fabulous & glamorous. However, I eventually realized that there was only room for one under the spotlight.
Most of these guys were more interested in playing their guitars, hanging out with their friends, snowboarding or having movie marathons with their gay neighbour (don't ask) than they were in dating me. But did that stop me? NO!
Their apparent "resistance" just made me try harder. In true Miss Piggy style I THREW myself at these guys. You might even say I was "aggressive". I seduced guys in their dorm rooms. I pushed boys into the Men's room at Element Bar for impromptu make out sesssions. I lured a guy I was attracted away from the party we were attending, to a dark corner just to show him what kind of underwear I was wearing. For all my efforts & aggressive hook-up strategies none of these entaglements ever really ammounted to much. Often the guys went running in the opposite direction.
My favorite example of a "Kermit guy" is this guy I dated in 3rd year university. He was tall, thin, & attractive in an emo-boy Topher Grace kind of way. He was an "aspiring poet". He always seemed kind of pre-occupied which I mistook as a sign that he was in deep intellectual thought --really I think he was just distracted and probably not that into me. We'd been dating for about 3 months. I really wanted him to like me as much as I liked him. For his birthday I decided to cook him an amazing birthday dinner. I made all of my favorite Eastern European home cooking dishes: stuffed Hungarian peppers, perogies, fried Kolbassa, Latkas, saurkraut. I bought a new dress & new scandalous lingerie. I thought surely that all of this would impress him and he'd see just how awesome I really was.
What happened when he came over was pretty much the opposite: He picked at his food, staring distractedly at the TV. When I saw that dinner wasn't going to happen, I stradled him and initiated a make-out session. Mid-makeout session I asked him coyly if he wanted to see a private show of my new lingerie purchases. His response was "You shouldn't squander all of your money on such silly stuff Simone". He pushed me off. Before I could muster up a reply his phone rang. A few seconds later he said:
"Zack has tickets to the new Star Wars. He's been waiting in line for 13 hours. Gotta go"
(HUH?)
A few minutes later he was out the door. I was left feeling like an idiot in a brand new dress, some pretty fucking hot lingerie and enough food to feed a former Soviet Union Satellite country.*
{*The evening was a waste but the food wasn't. A few nights later I took it over to a friend's house where we got stoned and ate all the leftovers}
Ok, so this guy was a bit of a doofus. But overall, the guys I dated during this period aren't to be blamed here. At the time I was all about MOI MOI MOI. I wanted so desperately to love and be loved that I ignored a lot of the signals these guys were giving me. Instead, I projected all my crazy hopes and expectations for the relationship on to them. If I had only listened to what they were really telling me and paid attention to their actions, I might have seen that they just didn't like me enough.
Knowing what I know now, I think Miss Piggy had it all wrong. I think if she (like me) had taken a step back she would have seen she was just pursuing the wrong kind of dude. She's a strong woman (hello karate chops!) with killer fashion sense (she rocks purple satin gloves like nobody's business!). That's a whole lotta woman for any guy to handle, let alone a frog. I can't help but wonder, if she had held out longer she might have found someone who could handle all of her fabulosity (Rolf? The Swedish Chef maybe?). I DID. He's more of a Fozzy Bear type: loveable, loyal to a fault and tells lots of corny jokes (and some good dirty ones. I like those best). And even when I'm at my most Miss Piggiest: demanding, dramatic, over the top, he loves me just as is. That's all anyone can ask for right? WOCKA WOCKA.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Stalking, Made Easy.
Tue, Feb 16 2010 09:35
I realized yesterday that I don't really write much about what I do on a day to day basis. I think I forget that some people who read this actually don't know me in real life. For example, until my last post I don't think I ever mentioned where I work. So, here is Part 1 of "What I do when I'm not writing (or working)".
#1. I do NERDY computer things.
Lately, I've been spending a lot of time working on the design and coding for this site. Here is a photo of me (or at least the back of my head) working on Skinny Dip. This is my preferred blogging set up: MacBook Air + secondary screen + Mac cordless mouse. And, yes, that's a wooden stapler to my right & an iphone (Low Tech and High Tech, side by side). It's definitely Mac product Central Chez Skinny Dip. Unfortunately the iphone isn't mine (yet)- its BF's-but when I finally upgrade my phone (soon) I will get one of my own. On the big screen I have Adobe Illustrator open. I use this program to make graphics for the blog.
There are still lots of improvements to make on Skinny Dip & I'm working on them. One of the things I did as a New Years present to my blog was I added some social media features.
#1. I do NERDY computer things.
Lately, I've been spending a lot of time working on the design and coding for this site. Here is a photo of me (or at least the back of my head) working on Skinny Dip. This is my preferred blogging set up: MacBook Air + secondary screen + Mac cordless mouse. And, yes, that's a wooden stapler to my right & an iphone (Low Tech and High Tech, side by side). It's definitely Mac product Central Chez Skinny Dip. Unfortunately the iphone isn't mine (yet)- its BF's-but when I finally upgrade my phone (soon) I will get one of my own. On the big screen I have Adobe Illustrator open. I use this program to make graphics for the blog.
There are still lots of improvements to make on Skinny Dip & I'm working on them. One of the things I did as a New Years present to my blog was I added some social media features.
Here are some new and fun ways that you can stalk interact with me:
1. Twitter! I've finally overcome my fear of Tweeting. I resisted at first, kind of hated it (& wondered, what's the point?!) but, now I am hooked. If you read this blog & have Twitter, let me know so that I can follow you and vice-versa.
2. Facebook Fan Page! I'm so happy that people actually joined. I put it up thinking it would play out like that scene in 200 Cigarettes, where Martha Plimpton's character plans this massive party and then the only person who shows up her weird ex-boyfriend. So thank you for joining and for supporting me. Because of you, I don't feel like a total loser.
4.Blog Networked! You can now also follow me on 20sb, the BUST Girl Wide Web & BlogHer. Is anyone else on BlogHer? Do you like it?
I've resisted joining Four Square (even though I know its like the thing now) for these reasons: 1) It kind of creeps me out. Do you really need to know my. every. move? b) My life basically looks like this: coffee shop. work. gym. Portuguese deli near my house. home. repeat. c) I eat out way more than I would like to admit. You might get grossed out. It would be like reading Liz Lemon's food diary. Do you guys really need to know how often I go to Mexitaco or the Donut Shop across the street? I'm guessing probably not. (And the answer is: I go to Mexitaco so often that I think I'm starting to understand the plot lines of the Telenovelas they play on the giant flat screen TV. I can't help it. I'm really addicted to their pork & pinneapple Pastor tacos)
What social media do you use and love?
My Week of Amazing Luck
Fri, Feb 12 2010 11:37
Last week I felt full of angst and self doubt. I was sending out resumes, writing emails, trying to "put myself out there" and getting nothing but silence in return. Everything felt stagnant, like life had come to a standstill. I know I am being a bit over-dramatic but I desperately wanted something, ANYTHING to happen. As it turns out, I just had to wait a few days because this week has been fantastic.
Here are some of the cool things that have happened so far:
1. I won a copy of Sade's new "Soldier of Love" CD from the slice.ca Valentine's giveaway. Ok, so maybe this isn't that big a deal to anyone else but, I NEVER WIN THINGS! And, I love Sade (She's on my list of artists I still need to see live, along with Prince and The Roots). I have a lot of bills to pay this month so I have been holding off from buying the album. It was almost like they read my mind! My copy should be in my mailbox in a few days!
2. I GOT A JOB!!! This is a big deal. If you weren't aware already, I quit my job at the end of May and have been looking ever since. To pay the bills I've been working at a boutique In Yorkville (aka: I sell $300 jeans and $800 handbags to Toronto's over-privileged). I had doubts at first about whether working there was the right thing for me but I'm glad I stuck with it. If I hadn't, I never would have met some of the awesome girls I work with. My new job involves doing Event Planning for a major university here in the city (hint, its my alma mater!). Event Planning & PR is something I really want to get into so I'm excited about the opportunities this position may lead to in the future. (PS. I'll still will be working at the store a few days a week. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the girls... or my discount)
3. I met with my editor, and it looks like my Dating Column for 20-something.ca is finally going to launch sometime in the next month. (I just need to create some art work on illustrator for the column header). The column is going to have a similar vibe to Skinny Dip, but will hopefully reach an even larger audience. I will let you guys know as soon as my first article is up on the site so that you can check it out.
PS. I still need a catchy name for the column and I am taking suggestions! Comment or email me!
4. Last night I went to the "Stories from our Black Books" book launch (invite above) with my friend & regular partner in crime, Melissa. At the party my streak of amazing luck continued!
First of all, I WON THE DOOR PRIZE! Apparently, I DO win things.
Best part of winning a prize: right after they called out my name, these two lovely ladies came over to say hello....it was SANDY B (one of my favorite bloggers!) and her sister!!! SandyB also lives in Toronto and last night was the first time we met. Meeting one of your fave bloggers in person = SO EXCITING. Its almost like meeting a celebrity, but kind of better. I usually like bloggers even MORE in person. I can't say the same about most of the celebs I have met. FYI. SandyB was awesome in person. The party was super loud & crowded so I didn't get to talk to her as much as I would have liked but I'm hoping we'll get to hang out again very soon!
I'm really glad I went to this launch. I'm really inspired by what they have done with this book. The first collection of "Black Book" stories have already been turned into play (set to open Off Broadway in the near future) and they are now working on a TV series. Since the universe has been so good to me this week I'm just going to put it out there: I'd eventually like to do the same thing with the some of the stories from SkinnyDip: turn them into a book (and maybe more!)
Right now this is still a dream but, I'm saying it out loud because if this week has taught me anything its this: If you put good intentions out into the universe and believe in what you're doing, good things WILL come back to you.
Melissa and I spent the rest of the night with some (dangerously) good martinis, celebrating and toasting the future.
So, I just confessed my BIG DREAM. What's yours?
Best part of winning a prize: right after they called out my name, these two lovely ladies came over to say hello....it was SANDY B (one of my favorite bloggers!) and her sister!!! SandyB also lives in Toronto and last night was the first time we met. Meeting one of your fave bloggers in person = SO EXCITING. Its almost like meeting a celebrity, but kind of better. I usually like bloggers even MORE in person. I can't say the same about most of the celebs I have met. FYI. SandyB was awesome in person. The party was super loud & crowded so I didn't get to talk to her as much as I would have liked but I'm hoping we'll get to hang out again very soon!
I'm really glad I went to this launch. I'm really inspired by what they have done with this book. The first collection of "Black Book" stories have already been turned into play (set to open Off Broadway in the near future) and they are now working on a TV series. Since the universe has been so good to me this week I'm just going to put it out there: I'd eventually like to do the same thing with the some of the stories from SkinnyDip: turn them into a book (and maybe more!)
Right now this is still a dream but, I'm saying it out loud because if this week has taught me anything its this: If you put good intentions out into the universe and believe in what you're doing, good things WILL come back to you.
Melissa and I spent the rest of the night with some (dangerously) good martinis, celebrating and toasting the future.
So, I just confessed my BIG DREAM. What's yours?
Men's Underwear 101
Tue, Feb 9 2010 05:33
...BECAUSE THE MALE READERS ASKED FOR IT AND BECAUSE ITS TIME TO POST SOME PHOTOS OF SCANTILY CLAD MEN FOR A CHANGE.This is a little story from early 2003, when I decided it would be a "good idea" to start sleeping with my upstairs neighbor (Just one of the many "good ideas" I had in my early twenties). It was the first night we were together and were half naked, making out on top of his bed. He'd already removed my shirt. My hands were around his hips and I was getting ready to remove his pants. I undid the fly, and eased the pants off... That's when I saw THE UNDERWEAR. Basically the underwear consisted of one thick elastic waistband, with two small strips of fabric--one on the front and one in the back (LIKE THIS). One piece of fabric less, and you would have a jock-strap.
Apparently this style is called a "Tanga for Men", (or more popularly referred to as a "banana hammock"). I was in shock. My mouth visably dropped open. The underwear did not fit the personality of the man-- brooding, quiet, reclusive, Math major*
*The people who make bizarre undergarment choices are never the ones you'd expect.
So here it is, Skinny Dip's Guide to Men's Undergarments: the good, the bad and the totally unforgiveable.
A male reader asked me "What DO Women want?" (underwear wise). I can't speak for all women, I can only speak for myself. The men's underwear I enjoy meet the following criteria:
Clean, Neutral Colors, Simple, Flattering
I'm a big fan of the classic Calvin Klein style boxer brief. Maybe its because the first guy I slept with as an "adult" (meaning, not in high school) wore these. He seemed so much older, sophisticated and sexy at the time. I loved the boxer brief then and still do. I like how they show off a guy's body without verging on the potential scary "tighty whitey" territory that comes along with wearing briefs. However, I've heard from my boyfriend and a few other sources that apparently some guys don't find them very comfortable. Some even describe them as "constricting". If you are going to wear boxer briefs stick to neutral colors: black, gray, white etc. Please no purple. I've seen it. Its not pretty.
Regular boxers are cool too. In my experience guys who wear boxers are generally laid back, playful and kind of michevious (just the way I like 'em!). You can play around with colors a bit more with the classic boxer (within reason). Patterns like small plaids, thin stripes, paisley etc are totally OK. Cartoons, illustrations of naked women, and beer logos..not so much.
Wear any of these items and you will probably traumatize the women you date. Or you will end up being written about by someone like me.
Does anyone disagree with me? Do you have anything to add to the list?
PS. Today's photo is from a recent Calvin Klein ad campaign that apparently never made it to print. Is it just me or does it look like he's concealing a can of shaving cream under there?
The terrible underwear ended up working in his favor. They were so HIDEOUS that I ripped them off as quickly as possible, telling myself "I'll just pretend I didn't see that". Afraid to discover what else was in this guy's underwear arsenal, the few other times we slept together I'd either remove pants right away or we'd do it in the dark. When I broke things off with him I vowed to myself: NEVER AGAIN. Neighbors and Men's "Tangas" were added to my list of dealbreakers.
So here it is, Skinny Dip's Guide to Men's Undergarments: the good, the bad and the totally unforgiveable.
A male reader asked me "What DO Women want?" (underwear wise). I can't speak for all women, I can only speak for myself. The men's underwear I enjoy meet the following criteria:
Clean, Neutral Colors, Simple, Flattering
I'm a big fan of the classic Calvin Klein style boxer brief. Maybe its because the first guy I slept with as an "adult" (meaning, not in high school) wore these. He seemed so much older, sophisticated and sexy at the time. I loved the boxer brief then and still do. I like how they show off a guy's body without verging on the potential scary "tighty whitey" territory that comes along with wearing briefs. However, I've heard from my boyfriend and a few other sources that apparently some guys don't find them very comfortable. Some even describe them as "constricting". If you are going to wear boxer briefs stick to neutral colors: black, gray, white etc. Please no purple. I've seen it. Its not pretty.
Regular boxers are cool too. In my experience guys who wear boxers are generally laid back, playful and kind of michevious (just the way I like 'em!). You can play around with colors a bit more with the classic boxer (within reason). Patterns like small plaids, thin stripes, paisley etc are totally OK. Cartoons, illustrations of naked women, and beer logos..not so much.
*the most ridiculous pair of boxers I have ever seen belonged to a guy I dated years ago. The boxers featured a giant smiley face right over the crotch area (two eyes and a smile). When he "took it out", the smiley face suddenly had a very large "nose". He had this super-proud look on his face. I was laughing hysterically.This is what I call "unintentional birth control". I was laughing so hard we never ended up doing anything.
Things that should ALWAYS be off the menu (these are pretty obvious)
-Tighty Whiteys...or Saggy Whiteys. PS. You need to watch THIS.
-Tighty Blueys (Tighty Whitey's scary baby blue cousin)
-Anything torn, yellowed or (god forbid) stained. This should be obvious but sadly for some people it isn't.
-Any underwear that is "less than fresh". No one wants to go down there for a little over the shorts action only to discover the cloth protecting your junk smells like a weird mix of Gorgonzola and vinegar. We change our underwear everyday, so should you.
-Anything promoting a super-hero or action figure (I dated a guy who had GI-Joe briefs. I couldn't decide whether this was creepy or strangely hot. I eventually settled on CREEPY)
-Tighty Whiteys...or Saggy Whiteys. PS. You need to watch THIS.
-Tighty Blueys (Tighty Whitey's scary baby blue cousin)
-Anything torn, yellowed or (god forbid) stained. This should be obvious but sadly for some people it isn't.
-Any underwear that is "less than fresh". No one wants to go down there for a little over the shorts action only to discover the cloth protecting your junk smells like a weird mix of Gorgonzola and vinegar. We change our underwear everyday, so should you.
-Anything promoting a super-hero or action figure (I dated a guy who had GI-Joe briefs. I couldn't decide whether this was creepy or strangely hot. I eventually settled on CREEPY)
-THIS is also creepy.
-Racing Stripes and/or Flame Motifs or anything that could be mistaken for a Speedo.
-Really crazy colors & patterns ie. Hot Pink or Animal Print
-Really crazy colors & patterns ie. Hot Pink or Animal Print
-The "Tanga" (sorry Upstairs Neighbor)
-THONGS.
-Anything that looks like THIS , THIS or THIS, (unless you're jumping out of a cake at a Bachlorette party)
-THONGS.
-Anything that looks like THIS , THIS or THIS, (unless you're jumping out of a cake at a Bachlorette party)
Wear any of these items and you will probably traumatize the women you date. Or you will end up being written about by someone like me.
Does anyone disagree with me? Do you have anything to add to the list?
PS. Today's photo is from a recent Calvin Klein ad campaign that apparently never made it to print. Is it just me or does it look like he's concealing a can of shaving cream under there?
Sunday Morning Surprises
Sun, Feb 7 2010 10:41
| lingerie, exes, bloggers I love
This morning I woke up to an email from an EX. Like, THE EX. The one I wrote about here and here. When I saw his message my stomach did that weird sick feeling flip flop thing. We haven't spoken since we said goodbye. He's the kind of ex boyfriend you never hear from and hope to never hear from. I always figured if I did hear from him I would find out he's in jail or getting deported or is in re-hab or he's desperate to find a kidney and I'm his last resort...or something equally as sketchy. He's just that kind of guy. Thankfully email is probably the only way he'd ever be able to get a hold of me. As far as I know he is still living in the foreign country he moved to after we parted ways. Although, a few years ago I thought I saw him at the Yonge & Bloor Subway station and I nearly had a heart attack. My palms started to sweat, my heart started racing, my stomach flip flopped. Just as I was trying to figure out what I should do next (run? duck into Starbucks and hide behind the milk & sugar station? Face the music?) I realized that it wasn't him. It was just a doppelganger.
Its been years since I had feelings for this guy. I'd never in a million years want to date him again. But, I think because he hurt me so much, I still get this fight or flight reaction.
Does anyone else have an ex like this?
So, here is the anti-climatic conclusion to the story: I opened the email and it was a link to an online store selling Viagra. No message, nothing. The funny thing was that most of the recipients were either other ex-girlfriends or girls he hooked up with (either before, after or while he was with me). I think we can conclude from this the following: either a) this is meant as some kind of cryptic message to the girls he used to sleep with ("I'm Baaaack!"-anyone who rides Toronto Public Transit will probably get that reference) or this is the work of a spammer with a sense of humor. (I'm going with the latter). My heart attack subsided and I had a bit of a giggle.
(It makes me wonder though--why does he still have all our emails in his address book?! UPDATE YOUR ADDRESS BOOKS PEOPLE. Avoid future embarrassment. That's all I can say.)
Another more exciting discovery I made this week: LINGERIE BLOGS. I love lingerie, pretty lacy things and anything lingerie inspired --if you've noticed the header of this blog you might have already guessed this. I read a whole slew of fashion blogs but I never thought to see if there were any Lingerie blogs out there (but of course there are!). One that I discovered this week is Confessions of a Lingerie Addict. If you like pretty underwear like I do, this is a great blog. This week the Lingerie Addict is holding a Valentines Day giveaway where you can win a set of Hanky Panky Thongs ($99). I'm just mentioning it in case you're like me & love indulging in pretty lingerie.
I hope everyone is having a nice weekend!
